Gwynn Raimondi, MA

Reclaiming our power, strength, & daring

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Without the ‘dark’ I would never understand how light the ‘light’ really is. And while I don’t care for the dark, I do appreciate what it does for the light. ~Craig D. Lounsbrough

Change is supremely inconvenient, uncomfortable and naturally scary. Yet we only move through life through the process of change, reinvention and renewal, and so bravery is our quintessential rebel for pushing us past our own limiting beliefs and behaviours. Bravery is feeling the fear, immersing yourself into it and through it so you can come out the other side. ~Christine Evangelou, Rocks Into Roses: Life Lessons and Inspiration for Personal Growth

A story only matters, I suspect, to the extent that the people in the story change. ~Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane

Within each of us is strength, power, and daring.  Our own.  That of our ancestors.  Within each of us is resilience, love, hope.  Within each of us is a knowing, a trusting, a believing.  It is there.  We may not feel it.  We may not be able to admit it is there, we may not be able to see it, but it is there all the same.

The work of reclamation is to unearth and reclaim these parts of our Self that we have buried, pushed down, ignored, or truly did not believe existed.  It requires us to reclaim our bodies as ours, our strengths and skills and talents, our inner power and knowing, our courage, bravery, and daring to break patterns and cycles, to become the people we want to be.

Reclaiming those parts of our Self we thought lost, or worse that they never existed, is work that can only be done after the work of releasing and creating space, and allowing for the time of renewal to integrate the openness into our being.  Once that space exists and is truly a part of us, we can begin to see those parts of us we couldn’t before.  Those parts of us that we were told were vile, were ugly, or simply weren’t there in the first place.

Reclamation is the time of deeply and viscerally realizing that what we were told is “too much” about us is actually our strength, our power.  Of realizing all the ways we were told we are “not enough” is actually where our courage, our bravery, our daring lives.  Of realizing all the shame we carry isn’t ours, that we were never meant to have it living within our being.

Then, once we have all these realizations and can feel them in our bodies and at the core of our being, the work of reclamation becomes relatively easy.

I’ve described all these stages of this work in a linear fashion, first one then the next then the next.  And while it is true that in many ways one stage does need to proceed the next it is also true that we are constantly doing all these stages of this work simultaneously.

I envision the path of this work to be like a three dimensional spiral.  We travel along it, around and around, up and then down, revisiting the same narratives, the same wounds, but at different layers and from different perspectives each time.  The work is perhaps never actually “complete” and yet with each layer we find our ways closer to the person we truly want to be, the person we truly are, and finding more and more freedom from the leash of our own trauma and the trauma of living in our current western culture.

I talk more about these ideas in the 6-minute video here.

This essay is the fourth and final of a four part series I have written exploring our narratives of too much, not enough, and the shame we carry and how we can release them and reclaim our own strength, power, and daring.  I hope you have found it helpful and informative.

This essay series is also to introduce the themes we will be exploring in the fall online women’s circle Becoming Unleashed.  We begin October 1 and space is limited to six women.  You can learn more here.

In case you missed the previous essays, you can find them at the links below:

The Impacts of Inter-generational & Cultural Relational Traumas

Releasing our stories of too much, not enough, & shame

The Goo: A time of Renewal, Restructuring, Re-evolving

Reclaiming our power, strength, & daring (this essay)

 

On Safeness, Stabilization, & Self Care :: Self Regulation as Self Care

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When we self-regulate well, we are better able to control the trajectory of our emotional lives and resulting actions based on our values and sense of purpose.

~ Amy Leigh Mercree, A Little Bit of Meditation: An Introduction to Mindfulness

Self regulation is, quite simply, the ability to regulate our Self.  This includes our ability to soothe and regulate our nervous systems and our emotional states.

Regulating is not stuffing down, ignoring, or dissociating.

Regulation allows us to stay present, to tolerate uncomfortable feelings (sensations and emotions) and situations.

Regulation is about learning how to titrate our emotions, to recognize when we are at the very early stages of moving into overwhelm, and utilizing tools to help calm and soothe ourselves in ways that are not harmful either immediately or in the long term.

Knowing how to self-regulate is a vital tool to have when we are in a crisis situation, and to utilize long after the crisis is over so the trauma or pain of the even doesn’t get stuck in us.

Being able to self-regulate and self-soothe is part of our ability to be resilient to chaotic and traumatic events in our lives.

Most of us who had chaotic childhoods didn’t learn how to self-regulate in a way that would be beneficial for us long term.  Most of us learned how to dissociate and are pretty darn good at it.  Most of us learned how to stuff down our feelings (again, bodily sensations and emotions) and to not experience them or allow them to be expressed.  For most of us, our caregivers didn’t model self-regulation in any truly beneficial ways.

Because we all carry so many generations of trauma within us, I believe it is safe to say that most of our ancestors didn’t know how to self-soothe either, at least not once became “civilized”.

Our inability to self-regulate, our not learning it as children, is not our fault.  However, I deeply believe it is our responsibility to our Self and to our loved ones to learn how to do so.

When we learn to self-regulate, we are offering nurturing and care to our Self.  We are showing love to our Self.  We are showing our Self that we matter and that we don’t have to go into overwhelm.

Self-regulation also helps with our relationships.  It allows us to become present in the moment, as well as learn to tolerate uncomfortable conversations and situations with those we care most about.  It helps prevent us from “flying off the handle” or “losing our shit.”  It is a tool that helps to experience our feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them and losing connection to our frontal lobes.

We can self-regulate in a variety of ways.  All of the Nervous System Soothing Exercises I offer in your weekly love letter are one way to learn how to self-soothe and self-regulate.  Being in nature is another.  Moving our bodies.  Creative expression (painting, writing, sculpting, coloring, drawing in sand, etc).  For some people having a glass of wine or a cup of herbal tea.  Seeing our therapists regularly.  Playing or listening to music or singing or humming.  Cleaning (one of my personal favorites!).  Physical contact with another person, sexually or non-sexually (also known as co-regulation).  Weekly body work of some type (massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, etc). These are just a few ways, there are many, many more.

I recommend that we all have multiple ways to self-soothe and self-regulate ourselves.  I also suggest we have daily (or semi-daily) practices or rituals that help to calm ourselves and dissipate the stress we experience throughout the day so that it doesn’t build up and turn into overwhelm.

It is vital to our own care that we find these ways to calm our nervous systems, and to learn to not be in a constant state of overwhelm – it is vital for our physical health, for our mental health, and for our relational health.

This work is not always easy or glamorous or fun.  In fact I would argue it is mostly hard, messy, and often daunting.

And.

As with learning anything new, any new way of caring for ourselves and being in the world, the more we practice, the better we get at it and the less hard, messy and daunting it becomes.

I talk more about all of this in the 9-minute video below.

This essay series is also to introduce the themes we will be exploring in the spring program Trauma Informed Embodiment™ : Basics. We begin May 1.  You can learn more here.

This essay is the first in a three part series I have written exploring the ideas of safeness, stabilization, and self-care..  I hope you find it helpful and informative. To read the other essays in this series, click the links below:

Definitions

Self Regulation & Self Care (this essay)

Shifting from Overwhelm to Safeness & Stabilization 

On Safeness, Stabilization, & Self Care :: Definitions

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Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.

~Fred Rogers

Welcome to my new educational essay series On Safeness, Stabilization, & Self Care.  Over the next three weeks I’ll be talking about these ideas, what they are, why they are important, and how they relate to our trauma processing work.

I believe it is important to start with defining what exactly I am talking about, so this is where we start.  These are my own definitions (formed and influenced by my education, my clinical work, and my life), and while there are other therapists who would agree with these definitions and who use this same language, others may not.  I don’t believe there is only one way to define these ideas, however so that you can understand what I mean when I use these terms, I’m sharing these definitions.

Safeness

Safeness is not the same as safety.  Safety is an outer state, more of an absolute state (we are either physically safe or we are not), whereas safeness is an inner state of being and feeling.  Safeness is a way of feeling (sensations & emotions) and sensing internally.

There are three aspects to our sense of safeness: safeness in our environment, in our self/body, in relationship with the person(s) who is (are) in the room with us.

Having a sense of safeness in our environment means that we can feel calm and at ease in the space we are in.  It is knowing we aren’t likely to fall through some hidden hole in the floor, that the roof over us will protect us from the elements, etc.  It is an inner knowing that we are okay in the physical space we are in and that no harm will come to us..

Our sense of safeness within our Self (including in our body) is about trusting our Self (including our body).  It means that if something dangerous should crop up, our bodies know what to do and how to respond.  It is trusting that “gut feeling” and trusting that we will not only hear it but also honor it.  It means trusting that we will make the right (conscious intentional or automatic depending on the circumstances) decision for that moment.  It is also about feeling good within our own skin.

The idea of our sense of safeness in relationship can be a bit trickier, in part because for many of us the idea of a “safe relationship” is confusing.  We may think that to be in a safe relationship means that the other person will never ever cause us emotional harm.  Here’s a thing though, we are all human.  Which means the people we are in relationship are human, with their own traumas, their own conditioning, and their own unconscious motivations.  Which means, other people, given enough time, will cause us some emotional pain.

Where the idea of safeness in relationship comes in, is when this time the other does cause us emotional pain occurs, that we, together, can come through it.  That we can work it out.  That we repair.  And through the repair process the relationship is then made stronger, and our sense of safeness in the relationship grows.  Our sense of safeness in relationship also means that boundaries are respected, that we are able to say no and have that no honored, that we can share ourselves and not be punished for who we are in some way.

(Please note that I specifically named emotional pain and not physical or psychological.  If someone is causing you physical or psychological harm, that will never be a relationship where you can grow a sense of safeness, and when you have the resources I would encourage you leave that relationship and find your ways to processing the pain caused.)

Stabilization

Stabilization is when we feel steady and secure in our emotions.  It means we are not flooded or overwhelmed by feelings of sadness or anger.  This does not mean we never feel sadness or anger; it means that they don’t overwhelm us.  For many of us living with trauma in our bodies and minds this differentiation may feel impossible.

I’m here to tell you it is possible. More on that in the coming weeks.

Stabilization is also not living in that state of overwhelm, it is feeling a sense of calm, much of the time, and sometimes even when things outside of our control happen. It is in the not having big reactive responses, and instead being able to respond to outer chaos intentionally and thoughtfully.

Again, this doesn’t mean we never feel angry or sad or frustrated or misunderstood… it means that we recognize those feelings (physical sensations and emotions) and do not act out mindlessly or thoughtlessly from those feelings.

Ultimately stabilization is about having a really great relationship with our frontal lobe (where logic and empathy live) and having all the parts of our brain working together instead of our amygdala always being in charge and running rampant.

Self Care

In a nutshell, this is caring for our Self, for our Self.  What I mean by this, is that many of us have received the message that we need to fill our own cup so we can be of service to others.  I don’t consider that self-care.  That is caring for our self for others.  To me, that is not true self care.

True self care is when we nourish our self in some way (from drinking enough water during the day to seeing our therapist each week to getting enough sleep to finding ways to calm and soothe our nervous systems) because we want to care for our Self, because we believe that we are deserving.

This can be a pretty big leap.  I think many of us have (and I include myself in this in the past) grudgingly done “self-care” so that we can be better parents/partners/workers; so that we have the energy and resources to be of service to others.

There is nothing wrong with being of service to others.  And. There is nothing wrong with taking care of our Self for the sole reason of caring for our self.

What does any of this have to do with trauma, grief, or embodiment?

Fostering a sense of safeness and stabilization are the “first phase” of any trauma processing work. This is work that needs to be done before you dive into the deeper processing work.  Once we have developed a sense of safeness and feel emotionally stable, we then have the inner resources to truly do the deep, challenging, and messy work of trauma processing and in depth embodiment work.

Coming to the idea that we are an interconnected (to others) yet autonomous Self, and that we are deserving of care because we exist not because of how we care for others, is revolutionary and also a part of our trauma processing work.  Even the idea of claiming our autonomous Self, which includes our body, mind, and spirit, as ours, is pretty revolutionary, and is also part of our trauma processing work.

I talk more about all of this in the 8 minute video below.

This essay series is also to introduce the themes we will be exploring in the spring program Trauma Informed Embodiment™ : Basics. We begin May 1.  You can learn more here.

This essay is the first in a three part series I have written exploring the ideas of safeness, stabilization, and self-care..  I hope you find it helpful and informative.

Definitions (this essay)

Self Regulation as Self Care

Shifting from Overwhelm to Safeness & Stabilization

 

Sacred in the Everyday

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I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is to be a Sacred being. What does it mean to connect with the Sacred and Divine, both within and outside? What does it look like to touch the Holy that lives inside as well as outside of this body? There was a quote on a tea bag for my daughter the other day that said “Your soul is your highest self.” And while I nodded to this truth I also wondered, what the heck does that even mean?  Then on another day my tea gave me this wisdom: “The voice of your soul is breath.” This truth I felt deep within.

And when we put these two little tea quotes together, they are telling us that our soul speaks to us through our breath, and that we can know where our “highest self” is by checking in with our breath. Following this train of thought our highest self speaks to us through our breath, our breathing (or lack of breathing). And then, we can connect to our soul, our Divine, our Sacred, by connecting to our breath. And the deeper we can connect to our breath the deeper we can connect with the Divine.

Simply following a train of logic. Yet still I am left  in this place of, okay, so what does that mean?

I begin every program and workshop with focusing on our breath. It has been a part of my own journey to mindfully and consciously be aware of and connect to my breath for several years, and I truly believe, have believed, this is where our work begins. This exercise has always been for me and my work, a way to guide others to connect more with their body, to find a way to ground and center and be fully present. It is where we can start, easily without needing any thing but our self.

To date, I have not brought the Sacred or Divine into this breath worth, not consciously at least.

Yet these little tea bags are telling me that perhaps I have been inviting and connecting to the Divine in this work all along, without realizing. That perhaps connecting to the body is a way to find connection with the Divine. That the Divine lives within us as well as outside of us and it can talk to us through our own breath and body and being.

In the (Un)Becoming Circle we are about to dive into some of the deep work of healing our Feminine wounds, our mother wounds. Part of this healing is finding connection with the Divine, the Sacred, the Holy; connecting to the Divine Feminine within us and outside of us. And as I told the women in today’s video, this work scares the shit out of me.

The idea of connecting to something that is both greater than the Self and also part of the Self is intense. For some the idea that the Divine is within is where they find resistance. For others it is the idea of the Divine outside of the self that is bothersome. We each were raised with stories of what is Sacred and Holy and what the Divine is or isn’t. More importantly, many of us were raised with stories of how we are unworthy of receiving the Divine within, that it is separate and we do not deserve to be touched by it.

These stories of unworthiness run deep. Deep in our bones, our psyches, our souls. In my work I guide others to dig into those stories, to find their value, to recognize and acknowledge that their own value and beauty. I start tackling these stories of unworthiness by guiding others, and myself, to connect to their breath, to start to fully breath. To stop holding their breath, and to let it out so that fresh breath can come in. To allow the breath to completely fill every part of the body.

The beauty of breath work is that you can do it anytime, anywhere. Connecting to your breath when you are feeling anxious or depressed or just not quite right, is something you can do right now. Or in ten minutes. Or while you are making dinner. Or right before you start to scream at the kids to get their damn shoes on (because you’ve only asked them to do it a dozen times already). Or even right after you have screamed at them so you can take the time to repair as needed.

Breath work can happen at any time.

And if we follow the logic up above, guided by quotes on tea bags, we can also connect to our soul, to the Divine at anytime.

Anytime. Not only at church. Or in the middle of the forest. Or by the edge of the ocean. But right now, sitting at this screen. We can each take in and release a breath, connecting to our body, to our Self, and holycrow, to the Divine too.

sacred self boardAbout a week ago I created the intuitive collage board for my Sacred Self program. When I sit down to create these collages, I just clear my head of all other thoughts except the program or project I want to focus on. Creating these boards helps me to find the core of what the program is to be about, helps to birth the program into the world, to make it something of substance instead of just something that is swirling around in my head. I sit down with magazines and scissors and thumb tacks and tear out and cut the images and phrases that speak most to me while I am thinking of the work to be done. I always feel a bit of a thrill as the images come together and the phrases start to take shape and the feel of the workshop or retreat is birthed into this world, on this bulletin board in front of me. Until recently I have never considered this to be the Divine speaking through me, but perhaps it is.

Perhaps there is more of the Divine and Sacred in the everyday than we realize. My daughter has been asking me about mermaids a lot lately. She’s at that age now where she tells me she wants to know The Truth and I see her fantastical world of fairies and dragons and Santa Claus starting to slip away. She asked me if mermaids were real. And I told her that no, they are not real. She responded with: “But the ocean is vast and deep and we haven’t explored most of it. So mermaids could very well be real and live in the parts of the ocean we haven’t explored yet.” I can’t argue with her logic.

Perhaps my daughter’s mother needs to remember it is okay to have faith in the unknown. Perhaps all of us could take a lesson in not needing everything to be cold facts and figures and to allow for a little magic, a little fairy dust, to enter back into our psyches. Perhaps we can open ourselves to the unknown and not shut it out because of fear.

Perhaps, everything is Sacred and part of the Divine. The budding flower. The falling leaf. The sunrise and sunset.

Maybe even those things we can’t see, like fairies hiding in the trees.  Like mermaids living in the ocean depths.

 

 

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Damn Oxygen Masks

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When people talk about the importance of self care, the analogy of the airplane oxygen mask is almost always mentioned. You know the one, you have to put your mask on first before you will be able to help anyone else. There are variations on this theme, the idea that you can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours is empty; flowers can’t grow in barren soil; etc.

The not-so-subtle message behind these analogies is the only reason to fill your own cup, or put on your own damn oxygen mask, is so you will be able to take care of others. This message both frustrates and infuriates me.

It is true that we absolutely can’t take care of others well if we don’t take care of ourselves. Parents of young children or adult children with aging parents or caregivers of any kind understand this. You can only run on fumes for so long before you crash. This is truth.

AND, I would love us to change the message of self-care from one of doing it so we can serve others, to one of doing it because we are worthy and deserve to be cared for, ourselves.

It is a not-so-subtle difference in the message. If you are only taking care of yourself in order to care for others, you don’t need to feel worthy. In fact you be quite the martyr, only giving in to care for yourself when others insist, with the intention of only doing it so you can keep on running yourself ragged caring for others. You can stay stuck in this story of not-deserving, not-good-enough, unworthiness your whole life in fact, while still dabbling in bits of self-care, only as necessary. You could even claim that you do care for yourself! Win-win, right?

I don’t think so. And I bet you don’t really either.

What if you change your story about your worth, your value, your deservedness? What if you shifted your thinking to knowing you are good-enough, at all you do. Not perfect, good-enough. What if you let good-enough, be enough?

What would happen?

How could the rest of your life shift if you took that bubble bath, or walk, or enjoyed that quiet cup of tea or glass of wine, because you wanted to? Because you deserved to have that time to you?

How would others start to treat you if you treated yourself with respect? If you acted as if you deserve nourishing and respect and to be honored?

What if you realized you were a sacred being?

What would happen?

 

Want to read more? Subscribe to my weekly love letter right here. I sent it out every Saturday night and I’m be thrilled if you wanted to read it. xoxo