As a child you received messages from your family to keep your mouth shut and remain invisible. You also learned to become invisible in order to protect yourself. You no longer need to be invisible to survive. If people do not notice you, they may not abuse you, but they also will not love you or attend to your needs. Make yourself and your needs known. ~Beverly Engel, The Right to Innocence

I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don’t want. ~Stanley Kubrick

To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. ~Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. ~Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

Be you, love you. All ways, always. ~Alexandra Elle

There is a truth, that often in life we settle.  We settle for things that don’t fill our souls, that don’t make us feel alive, that don’t spark in us a sense of joy or wonder or peace.  We settle for things that are mediocre, okay, fine (we guess).  And sometimes, even worse, we settle for things that make us unhappy, that break our hearts in a thousand different ways, that make us sacrifice our own values, wants, our very Self.

We may do this for any number of reasons, and I know for me in the past I have often done it because it was just easier.

It was easier to settle for less than to actually admit I was settling for less and doing something about it.

Hindsight is almost always 20/20.  We can look back at choices, at relationships, at events, and see all the things we did “wrong”.  We can see clearly how we would have, could have, should have, done things differently from the perspective of being on the other side of it all.  

With this hindsight and clarity we have the opportunity to do one of three things: spiral into shame or regret; nothing; or learn and grow. 

I have been looking back over the twenty plus years I spent with my ex-husband.  There was a time when looking back on it all filled me with regret or overwhelming grief or deep seated rage.  I could only see all the bad choices.  I could only see all the ways I sold myself short, I sold myself out.  I could only see the harm that came from that relationship.

With time, I’ve been able to see the good times too.  And the truth that without those twenty plus years with him, I would not be the woman I am today.  And for better or worse, I really like the woman I am and the woman I am becoming now.

And with all that I can also say that while I no longer regret in any way that relationship or our twenty plus years together,  and actually in many ways am grateful and glad for it, I can also very clearly see how we never should have been together in the first place.

Both and.  

Looking back at the beginning of that relationship, I rushed.  I didn’t slow down and take the time to determine what I actually wanted.  I mean, I knew what I wanted: I wanted to get married and have babies and have that fairytale romance with my soulmate that everyone was envious of.

The first two things, totally doable.  That last one though… tricky.  Because I didn’t know what I actually meant.  I didn’t actually know what I wanted out of an intimate relationship beyond the exterior appearance.  I never stopped to think about how I wanted to feel within the relationship.  I never slowed down enough to consider if I could be fully myself with this person, if I would feel at home within myself and within the relationship at once; if he would grow and shift and change with me or we would grow, shift, and change in the same general direction.  

My clock was ticking, I wanted babies, he wanted babies eventually and bam, that was was good enough; he was it.  I stopped looking, not only for other partners, but I also stopped looking within to determine if I was happy, if I was fulfilled, if my own wants and desires were being met, if I was still connected to me as our relationship grew.

It wasn’t just in that relationship that I stopped looking or questioning.  I also fell into a career that in many ways I loved, but in so many other ways was soul crushing.  I rarely questioned my career choice, I stayed with that job because it was easier than trying to figure out what I wanted to do when I grew up.  Until it wasn’t anymore. 

There have also been friendships over the years that I stayed in because it was easier.  Because I was lonely.  Because I would tell myself that they didn’t really mean this thing or that no one is perfect.  And while no one is perfect, it is also true that I settled for people in my life who’s values and life choices were in direct opposition to mine, and at the end of the day it simply wasn’t good for my own mental health.  So I settled until I couldn’t anymore.

When we look back we can see all the ways we settled, because frankly it was just easier.  We were doing the best we could at the time to get through our days relatively unscathed.

And there often comes a point in our lives when we do awaken a bit, when we suddenly (or very slowly) stop, look around, and see how unhappy we actually are.  We feel how unsatisfied and unfulfilled we are.  We notice all the overwhelm, all the frustration, all the non-right in our lives, within ourselves.  

In those moments we see all was don’t want. And sometimes we then want to take a torch to it all, to break all the relationships, to throw out all the things, be they people or stuff or jobs.

But the problem is that while it is very clear what we don’t want, we still perhaps aren’t clear on what we do actually want.  What we actually desire.  What would actually fulfill us.

We know what we don’t want, but we have no clarity around what we do want.

This is not to say that there aren’t times when we do need to burn it all down; to make swift and dramatic change in our relationships and surroundings.  It is absolutely true that this is sometimes a necessary part of our own shifting and growth and frankly discovering of what we do want.

And it is also true, that perhaps slowing down and truly examining the not-wants and then taking the time to discover our true wants and to consciously choose what to keep in our lives and what to set free may sometimes be better for us in the long run.  Not always. But sometimes.  

I am in a space of unearthing my own wants, my own desires, and even some of my needs.  I am in a space of learning that pleasure has so many forms, and that acknowledging and embracing my true wants in my life is a form of intense and radical self care.  That pleasure, enjoyment, satisfaction, are not selfish or wrong or unnecessary, but in fact are loving, right, and absolutely necessary and important parts of thriving in this life.

To be in a space of not settling, or learning not to settle, has it’s own ups and downs.  This is an unknown space, an in-between space. These liminal spaces are often full of discomfort, sometimes fear, and a lot of two steps forward, two steps back cha-cha movements before we are able to make that third step forward and then only two, or maybe only one, back, making progress with our own shifting and transformation.

It is also a space of noticing, of learning, of curiosity, of discovery.  It is a time of not only discovering what I actually want – in my relationships, work, life – but also learning to speak up and have those wants and desires met.  Learning to become vulnerable and open in the asking, instead of demanding.  Learning to allow for the reality that the response from others may be a “no” for any number of reasons, and that those reasons often have nothing to actually do with me.  

This is all new territory.  Exciting and terrifying.  And a truth is, that it has taken a lot of work, intentional mindful work, to get here.  Work that wasn’t fun or easy by any means, experiences that shook me to my core and also put me in the crucible of change and transformation whether I wanted it or not.

I believe it is true that most of us, in parts of our lives, settle because it’s simply the path of least resistance.  That we continue to settle until, for whatever reasons, we can’t anymore.   When we come to this crossroads, I hope that we all have people, or meet people, who are willing to go on this wild ride of discovery and transformation with us, people who want to push outside their own comfort zones, who also want to explore and examine all life has to offer.  

We don’t need to carpe diem every day.  Sometimes what we want is quiet and peaceful and still.  It is important to recognize this too.  To allow for the both and, the multitudes of our own Self.  

/../

In Embodied Writing :: Pleasure Edition we will spend some time unearthing our own wants and desires and looking at how to shift in our own ways from settling into a way of being that is more fulfilling.   We begin in two weeks, on June 10.  To learn more click here. 

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