I’ve been feeling annoyed lately. Like really annoyed. Hell, let’s just name it: I’m angry. Pissed off even. And yes frustrated, disgusted and annoyed too.
Mostly I’m angry though.
I’ve been doing my thing, my work, guiding people to connect to their own embodied wisdom; to shedding their shoulds; to connecting deeply to their whole Self, the Light and the Shadow. I talk about the ebb and flow of this work and how sometimes we are deep in it and sometimes we aren’t. I discuss the importance of rest and replenishing and nourishing and allowing our Self to be.
I talk a lot. I do my best to model this way of being by doing my best to live it myself. Which means sometimes I’m deep in the work and sometimes I’m not, and sometimes I’m deep in my practices and sometimes I’m not and regardless of where I am in my journey or what I am or am not doing, I try to be gentle with me and to allow the space for me to be right where I am.
I’m not perfect. I fail all the time. Well, maybe not all the time, and enough to remember why I have my practices and so I pick them up again and they drop off and so it goes.
I’ve become acutely aware lately of pithy quotes and fluffy positive thinking and this idea that our thoughts create our world and if we only think the right thoughts then all the things will perfect and great.
And it’s pissing me off. And it’s time I publicly call bullshit.
First of all let’s break (ha! I first typed “breathe”!) down this idea of thinking the right thoughts. What the hell are the “right” thoughts? If I have the “right” thoughts that does mean I can magically prevent a loved one from dying? Myself from having cancer? A hurricane from devasting the lives and homes of people I know and love (and even the ones I don’t)? If I think the right thoughts does that mean that life stops and nothing bad will ever happen to me? Will I never trip and break a bone or get in a car accident or catch the flu?
Because if thinking the “right thoughts” means all that, then please, will someone tell me what the Right Thoughts are? What are the exact words I need to be thinking? What is the exact mantra I need to have on repeat on my mp3 player and posted on post-its all over my house?
I’m sure there are plenty who will jump in and tell me what some of my “Right Thoughts” could be. And I also bet they won’t own that and allow themselves to be held accountable for what happens when I do every thing that lets me think the “right thoughts” and then still something bad happens.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for gratitude. I’m all for appreciating all that we have. I’m all for seeking and seeing beauty in the world. As long as we don’t shut our eyes to the Shadow, the darkness, to the really shitty parts of being human and living life.
As long as we don’t blame people (and not thinking the right thoughts) for things like cancer and accidents and layoffs and hurricanes, then yes, let’s all do look to the light – BUT let’s not forget for one moment that there is Shadow right behind us and sometimes we need to turn around and have a dance or three with it.
As long as we allow ourselves and others to grieve, to sink into despair, to speak out about how hard life/parenting/partnering/living/being can be.
Also long as we don’t offer “at leasts” and “look on the bright sides” and “silver linings” and the one I hate the most “well if this shitty thing didn’t happen then you wouldn’t have the fabulous life you have today!”
As long as we don’t try to fucking constantly fix it. And by it I mean the dark, the Shadow, the shitty parts of our Self and life.
As long as we can allow ourselves and others to be right where we are, whether that’s in our deepest Shadows or our brightest lights.
Then yes, I’m all for practicing gratitude, seeking beauty, appreciating what we have and who we are.
…
Something has shifted in me. Perhaps it’s connecting to the women who came before me and all their (righteous) anger that lives in my bones and muscles and womb. Maybe it’s that I’m going out into the world more, expanding my circles and seeing more and more of this Positive Fluffy Thinking because of it. Perhaps it’s because three different people have mentioned the Law of Attraction to me in the last 48 hours and now my head just wants to explode.
Bad things happen to good people.
Your thoughts do not control reality.
Focusing only on the positive and ignoring and stuffing down the negative only causes imbalance and dis-ease within. It’s makes us ill, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
I invite you to step into your anger. To open your throat to your roars.
I invite you to sink into your grief. To open your self to body-wracking wails.
I invite you to stumble into your sadness. To open your being to your most guttural moans and howls.
I invite you to dance with your Shadow. To wrestle with her. To play with her. To fight with her.
I invite you to acknowledge and accept your darkest self. To allow this part of you to be. She is not all of you. And she is part of you. I invite you to open your arms to her, and to weep together for all that could have been, all that was lost and all that will never be.
I invite you to be fully and imperfectly human. To connect with all your parts and pieces. To love them all: your Light and Shadow. To allow your Self to be exactly where you are, right now.
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This is exactly what I need to allow myself to do. I’m so tired of pretending that all is well and that I can handle it all with grace. I need to dance with my shadow. I need to allow myself to really feel. Put the thinking aside. My emotional and logical self are in constant battle right now. I’m so angry. I’m furiously angry and I need to own it. Really own it. Sorry I have missed Awakening Our Womanline. I just know it’s some powerful stuff. <3
Yes, yes, yes!!! I am so frustrated with these ideas of how we have to be grateful for everything, be 100% calm all the time, always roll with the flow. It feels like shaming and being told our (very human, normal) experience is somehow wrong. And that is part of my own rage – the being told to stuff down, the being told to smile and take it. Anger, rage, are particular emotions we women aren’t “supposed” to have, which only makes the rage boil more as far as I’m concerned. xoxo.
(And you haven’t missed Awakening. I pushed the start date to April, and I have partial scholarships available… just sayin’ 😉 xoxo )
When anger arises in me, it almost always has to do with not wanting to accept things as they are, not having peace with what is happening in my life that is unacceptable or unpleasant. Anger, for me, serves the purpose of creating separation between me and whatever I find unacceptable. But by insulating myself from that painful reality, I am also moving further into separation, which makes me feel even worse. So this dance with shadow can be seductive, in the very same way bingeing on comfort food after an upsetting encounter can be. Both draw us in making us think we are hiding out, keeping ourselves safe. But really, we are moving farther into separation and potential feelings of guilt and shame. Is there another way to deal with the inevitable suffering and disappointments of life? It seems to me that this is the important inquiry you are opening up for us in your article.
So an exploratory expansion to your articulate article might be to ask ourselves what part of the “shadow” is self-made by believing a story that things that hare happening are not “meant to be” the way they are. Might there be a big difference between pollyanna thinking and cultivating peacefulness and acceptance with what is? The words used in both approaches may be very similar, positive and upbeat, but the way those words are used can, in my life experience, be very, very different. When the words go deep and penetrate the superficial level of awareness, I have found them profoundly nourishing. But when they don’t penetrate, they remain cliche and may even contribute to the feeling of separation. They actually expose the painful gap between gap the pollyanna world we think should be and the less desirable world that actually is. In pollyanna thinking, I’d agree, we remain on the superficial surface, distracting ourselves from actually finding genuine understanding, peace and acceptance with what is happening and with ourselves.
So what is keeping us from allowing positive words to nourish us more deeply? What makes us use positive images as weapons against ourselves, reminders that we are not enough and don’t have enough? Eckhart Tolle speaks to this by referring to the suffering we create whenever we are in our minds either thinking about the future or the past, because these are stories, projections, not what is happening right here, right now. He suggests the only peace is to be fully present to what is, and I would add oresence to ours lves with deeper compassion for our pain. Byron Katie’s work is also instructive in this way, at least for me, in asking ourselves about our beliefs, “Is it really true? What if it were not true?” We cannot prevent all suffering in our lives, so clinging to any standard that says life should always be great is what creates an additional and unnecessary layer of suffering. And if I am hearing you right, at least som eof your anger may come from this place. We’ve all been duped by our overly commericalized world into thinking life should be shiny and great. We as a society have been taught to be uncomfortable with anything difficult such as death of a loved one, failure, addiction, aging. But I think opening our hearts to more compassion, acceptance, connection and love is the answer for all the suffering that we can do absolutely nothing about. It just is and we can make it through better together than apart. And in this, connecting as you do in your blog, and daring to be vulnerable and raw, is truly what I beleive it is all about. So I thank you for doing just that for all of us who need more real and less fantasy, more connection and less hiding.
Laurie,
Yes, yes, YES!!
A couple of things I would like to add: Anger can be uniting and unifying. It can break us out of oppression and isolation. Anger, that deep righteous anger that crops up when our boundaries have been violated one too many times or we become keenly aware of an injustice in the world. That is the anger I was specifically thinking of when writing this post.
And with that said, I would also argue that being angry because life just isn’t going as we planned/would have liked/hoped is also valid and acceptable. Getting stuck there is another conversation, and I believe it is the stuckness that causes more issues of isolation than anything else. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel anger. We don’t need to state that anger is a “negative” emotion or give it the label of “Shadow.” It is. Being angry is a way of being and it is okay to be that way.
Hell, it’s even okay to be stuck in anger. I personally would not want to be stuck in anger, and yet, it is okay to be there.
In the end, I believe we are saying similar things: learning to accept ourselves and our lives and the events that happen as just what they are–part of life, the ebb and flow, everything its season; to be mindful and aware and curious; to not let shame slip in and to just, for the love of all things holy, allow ourselves to be and to love ourselves regardless of where we’re at.
Thank you for continuing this conversation and helping me clarify my own thoughts even more! xoxo