Gwynn Raimondi, MA

Trauma, collective liberation, & doing our work

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Over and over we are told we don’t know our own body. We don’t know our own mind. We don’t know our own boundaries or wishes or consent.

And, because we are told so often and from such an early age, we believe them.

And in the believing we allow others to have control over us. Over our body. Over our voice. Over our being. Our lives. ~ Gwynn Raimondi

The flip side to us not being connected to our own boundaries, to our own consent, and that is that we do not recognize the boundaries and consent of others.  We don’t accept that No means No if that No isn’t something we want to hear.  We touch people, no matter how lovingly, without their consent.  We disregard others wishes and wants because we think we know better.

This happens almost daily in my home.  I am still constantly unlearning and relearning power dynamics, consent and boundaries thanks to my two children, constantly being reminded of the responsibility of being the one “in power” and how to not be oppressive or authoritarian.  Some days I am open to all the lessons they have for me and honestly, other days  I am not.  Some days I can patiently talk with them about their Noes and why I need it to be a yes (getting shoes on to get out the door to an appointment) and other days I just really want them to stop and blindly obey me because I’m tired and overwhelmed and have been running on empty for days (thinking about those great times in the past when my then-preteen told the then-toddler he can’t have something of hers and he screams in that screech-scream that both made my ears bleed and head feel like it was going to explode and I just wanted her to give him whatever the thing is to Make. It. Stop.).

It happens when I ask either of them if they want a thing, and they say no, and I then continue to ask approximately five hundred million times if they are sure they don’t want the thing, questioning over and over their No.

It happens when I take a bit of food off the younger’s plate, a plate he has abandoned at the table, and he sees me and reminds me I didn’t ask if I could eat his food.

It happens when we’re trying to get out the door.

It happens when I’m trying to get the house cleaned up.

It happens when one of them says they don’t want to do their homework that day.

And while it happens a million times over the week with my kids, it happens with adults too.

Truth is, I’m much better at not violating other adults consent.  I tend to automatically respect their Noes and because of my own history I am perhaps extra sensitive about physically touching others grown-ups without their explicit consent. I’m also better about not questioning the whys behind their Noes, unless there is a philosophical conversation happening where my curiosity would be well received. Doesn’t mean it never happens, only that it happens less than with my kids.

My kids? 

Well, I am better now than I was a few years ago at respecting their autonomy, their Noes, their boundaries and consent. Even so I am still far from perfect.

So I have the privilege of receiving daily lessons on all the ways we are trained to give up our autonomy, our authority over our own bodies, our consent over our own lives.

And let me tell you, this training and conditioning runs deep.

Because this training and conditioning runs deep it isn’t going to be dismantled and dislodged in a day or a week or even a year.  It will take a couple generations to unravel and dislodge and heal the collective relational trauma we all carry within us and all are complicit in out in the world.

And.

This is exactly why we need to begin our work now.  It is exactly why when we realize we have violated another person’s boundaries or consent or autonomy or authority over their own damn bodies and lives we need to make amends as best we can, learn the lesson as best we can, and do different the next time. We must start this work now, or it will not be dismantled in the next generation or two, if ever. 

If we don’t start our own work now, we are complicit in the delaying of liberation for all people, for another generation.

If we don’t start our own work now, we are complicit in our own oppression as well as the oppression of other peoples.

If we don’t start our own work now, we are complicit in allowing the status quo just keep on keeping on.

If we don’t start our own work now, we are part of the problem and not part of the solution.

Each of us need to do our parts in tearing down the oppressive culture that we live in.

Even if it is uncomfortable.

Even if it shows us the ways we have wronged others along the way and we need to go back and be accountable for our actions.

Even if it means being in a space of unknown and in-between and mistakes and stumbling and trying to figure it all out.

Because the moment we actually start doing our work is the exact moment we start to do our part in tearing all this shit down.  It is the exact moment we begin to become part of the solution and become less a part of the problem.

I look at my kids and I think about all the things I do wrong every single day.  All the ways I am unintentionally complicit and compliant to our oppressive culture.  All the ways I pass down the conditioning and training. I won’t lie, it often feels overwhelming and the uphill battle of it all can feel like all too much for me to even attempt to make a tiny chip in.

Then I have a conversation with another woman who reminds me that I have broken the cycle of abuse.

Then I have a conversation with a different woman about how I am teaching my daughter about the powerful women of color, trans women, differently able bodied women, in the world and how until they are free and safe, none of us are.

Then I have a conversation with yet another woman about how I encourage my kids to have and feel and express their emotions in healthy ways.

And in those conversations I am reminded that I am making a difference.  And while it won’t mean the world will be changed tomorrow, it does mean I am guiding two young humans to being in the world differently than I was raised to be and to having their own ripple effect in changing it all.

Parenting and auntie-ing and uncle-ing and grandparenting -all caregiving- is important and vital work.  It is how we have a long lasting impact.  It is how we help create a world we want for these young humans who are temporarily in our care. And of course the way we do this work, is through also doing our own work of unearthing and unraveling and dismantling, so we can teach them not only through our words, but also through our actions. 

Our inner work is vital, and our work with the children in our lives is a vital step in making change within the next generation, there is also the greater work we need to be doing out in the world.

This greater work can look like any of a million things.  It could be donating money to organizations that promote social justice.  It could be volunteering time for a specific cause you believe in.  It could be calling your representatives and/or attending town hall meetings.  It could be speaking up when that racist relative says something oppressive or degrading at the family feast.  It could be speaking up when you see a woman in a hijab being harassed. 

It could be any of those things and so many more things.

All of this work, both inner and outer, in my opinion, in many ways, boils down to boundaries and consent.  Honoring our own boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others.  Defending our own boundaries and defending the boundaries of others.  Respecting our own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others.

Inner work and outer work.

Both at the same time.

Because until we are connected to our own boundaries, until we respect them and defend them, until we know them, I’m not sure we can know or respect the boundaries of others.

This isn’t our fault.

We are trained and conditioned to disregard our own boundaries and to disregard the boundaries of others.

We are told our Noes don’t really mean No.  And since our No doesn’t really mean No then their No doesn’t really mean No either.

We are told our body is not our own.  And since our body is not our own, then their body is not their own either.

We are told and taught and trained in a million ways that we do not have autonomy or authority over our bodies, minds or lives.  And since we don’t, they don’t either.

They can be just about anyone.  That is, anyone who is not CIS, white, heterosexual, likely Christian, upper middle class (or more), able-bodied and always male.

No, it is not our fault that we received and internalized this training.  It is not our fault this conditioning got deep under out skin into our very being.  It is not our fault.

We didn’t ask for this training.  We did not consent to this conditioning.

And.

As I said for literally years, while it is not our fault, it is absolutely and unequivocally our responsibility.

It is our responsibility to stop passing on this training.

It is our responsibility to stop passing on this conditioning.

It is our responsibility to unearth and unravel and dismantle and dislodge it from our bodies and minds and ways of being in the world.

It is our responsibility to learn to feel and know and respect and honor and defend our own boundaries and the boundaries of others.


No, it’s not fair.  And as I tell my kids, forget fairness and instead ask if it is just.

Because fairness is a fairy tale.  But justice… justice is something we can all believe in and fight for and make reality.

Inner work and outer work.  We need both.

To stop passing on harm.

To stop passing on abuse.

To stop being complicit and compliant to a dominant culture and its systems that don’t actually care about us.

To create a world that operates from a place of love not fear; liberation, not authoritarianism, connection and intimacy, not disconnection and isolation.

It is not easy work. And it is necessary.

So let’s do it.

/../

This essay was originally published in my weeklyish newsletter in August 2017. It has been edited for publication here. To receive my most recent essays you can subscribe here.

We’ll be exploring boundaries and consent, our own and others, in my new six month Trauma Informed Embodiment™ for Relationship six month group program. To learn more, you can go here.

Legislation of sexuality & pleasure

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No woman can call herself free who does not control her own body. ~Margaret Sanger
No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor.
~Betty Friedan
A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.
~Marilyn Monroe
Pleasure is the point. Feeling good is not frivolous, it is freedom. ~Adrienne Maree Brown, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good

It has been an intense few weeks/months for people with a uterus here in the United States. Alabama and Missouri most recently passing abortion bans and Louisana about to sign theirs into law. Recently Georgia and Ohio also passed bans. In the past few years the following states have passed heavy restrictions on abortion: Arkansas (2013, vetoed by Governor), Iowa (2018), Kentucky (2019), Mississippi (2019), and North Dakota (2013).

There are lawsuits pending as to the legality of these laws in Arkansas (struck down in Federal court), Iowa (struck down by State court), North Dakota (struck down by Federal court), and Kentucky (temporarily blocked by Federal court).

Florida, Maryland, Minnesota, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia, have introduced bills to ban abortions.

Wyoming (2013) and Pennsylvania (2018) tried to introduce laws, however they died in committee. *

The attack on women and femmes is generations old. Having the right to our own bodies has been a battle since feudal times, at the least, and really since long before that in some parts of the world.

The attack on our bodily autonomy isn’t only about our rights to abortion. It is also our rights to our own sexuality, to pleasure, to our very humanity. 
The idea that women aren’t supposed to experience pleasure is perhaps older than the story of Eve. Our pleasure is a sin at worst, and unnecessary at best. We are taught this from such a young age. And it’s not just the pleasure of sex and sexuality that we are taught to avoid, it is any type of pleasure.

As women we are raised to be of service to others. To care for others. To work ourselves to the bone in order to please others. 

The idea of our own pleasure, of caring for ourselves, is not part of our upbringing. It is not part of our cultural training.

As women we are supposed to sacrifice. 
As women we are supposed to serve and care for others.
As women we are supposed to only ever think of others.
As women we aren’t allowed to have emotions beyond happiness. And if we have them, we are certainly not supposed to express them.

Rage doesn’t become us.
Anger doesn’t become us.
Grief doesn’t become us.

We are not supposed to be human. We are not supposed to explore the whole of our humanity. We are not supposed to know what it means to rest. To feel good in our own skin. To experience pleasure, on any level.

To take back our bodies, our lives, as our own, is an act of rebellion in our current culture. To speak up and out defending our own boundaries. Learning to come home into our bodies. Allowing ourselves to rest. Experiencing pleasure on any level, from cozy sheets, to art on our walls that makes us smile, to eating foods we enjoy, and yes, to sexual satisfaction and gratification. 

Because as they try to take our reproductive rights, we can fight back. 

Yes, in the public and political realm. That is absolutely necessary.

But also in the privacy of our own intimate lives. 

By taking naps.
By saying no.
By creating from our souls in the ways that feel good to us.
By learning to tolerate and then enjoy our own sexuality.

The personal is political and the political is personal. It is vital, I believe, that we create change not only in the outer world, but also in our inner worlds. In fact I would argue that in order for there to be lasting change in our outer world, in our culture, we each need to be doing the work of unraveling the ways we have internalized our indoctrination of shame and repression of pleasure, of taking full ownership over our own bodies and lives. 

This internal investigation is not a linear nor easy path, and there will be layers and layers to explore. Finding all the ways that we have had our bodies controlled, taken from us, from young ages; all the ways we have been shamed into believing life is not for us to enjoy for ourselves, but to only provide service for others; all the ways we continue to oppress ourselves, allowing culture to maintain its stronghold on our lives…. this all takes time, patience, curiosity, and self compassion.

Learning to savor life, to enjoy the small and big pleasures that are part of being human, is an important part of our individual and collective evolution. 

It is also an act of defiance, of rebellion.

Reclaiming our bodies as our own, reclaiming pleasure as a birthright, is another way we can fight back against this current onslaught of the basic human rights of people who are born with a uterus. While we fight for our basic rights and freedoms in the political realm, remember to continue to fight for the same rights within your own home and your own mind and body. 

The political is personal. The social is individual. Breaking ourselves from the leashes our oppressive, authoritarian culture is how we become free, how we reclaim our bodies, our very lives.

It is true that the abortions bans are about our reproductive rights, and it is also true that they are about so much more than that. They are about our very humanity. 

It is time for each of us to rise up, to reclaim our bodies, our voices, our very lives. 

* Information regarding abortions bans found on Wikipedia. 

/../

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Embodied Writing :: Pleasure Edition will begin in a little under three weeks. In it we will spend seven weeks exploring different aspects of pleasure, our internalized narratives about pleasure, and learning to reclaim pleasure as a part of our lives through stream of conscious writing and embodiment practices. To learn more click here. 

My response to “not all men”

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Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.
~Leonardo da Vinci

Domination is a relationship, not a condition; it depends on the participation of both parties. Hierarchical power is not just the gun in the policeman’s hand; it is just as much the obedience of the ones who act as if it is always pointed at them. It is not just the government and the executives and the armed forces; it extends through society from top to bottom, an interlocking web of control and compliance. Sometimes all it takes to be complicit in the oppression of millions is to die of natural causes.
~CrimethInc.,Contradictionary

I’m a member of several different online groups related to trauma.  In general I basically quietly observe because at this point in my life I don’t have a lot of time to have hours and days long discussions online about anything, not even one of my most favorite topics ever (trauma). Even so, I am observing and reading, and sometimes learning, and sometimes nodding along, and sometimes shaking my head and needing to walk away.

One thing that has me shaking my head vehemently and wanting to shake people is this particular reaction that certain “leaders” in the trauma processing (or “healing”) world have about sexual trauma and what is and isn’t okay to say in reference to these topics.

Specifically what I have seen happen is a women or femme makes a post about her own experience of sexual abuse or harassment or trauma.  Other women jump in to support.  Eventually someone says something along the lines of “Men are pigs”. And then the “leader”/facilitator of the group will jump in, always also a women, and tell folks to “tone it down” and “not all men” and “all people, regardless of gender, have trauma and deserve to heal it”and “remember there are men in this group and we don’t want to offend them,” and perhaps my all-time favorite, “my husband and the men I work with are all Good Guys™ so we can’t talk about men like that.”

As you can guess, I have a bit of an issue with this.

First, it’s silencing and shaming at best and exacerbates trauma at worst. Not allowing women and femmes to express their outrage, frustration, fear, anxiety, or sadness about the state of the world, that women are unsafe in this world, is gaslighting.  These types of statements are saying that an individual woman’s experience is invalid because “not all men” are bad.  (More on this “not all men” crap in a few). It is saying that our anxiety of being unsafe in the world is “all in our heads.”

A truth is, the world IS unsafe for women and femmes.  A truth is that actually, yes all men.  No, not all men rape, not all men assault.  But I’d be hard pressed to say that “not all men” harass women (though they might not call it harassment).  And absolutely all men benefit from the privilege bestowed upon them simply because they were born with a penis (and that privilege includes women being fearful for their lives around men and therefore being compliant and docile and “supportive” of “their” men in an attempt to survive).

Do I believe there are good men in the world? Yes, absolutely.  AND my definition of a good man is one who acknowledges his privilege and utilizes it to bring about change for women.  A good man calls out other men.  A good man notes when he screws up, apologizes, and then does the inner work he needs to in order to do different the next time. A good man doesn’t silence women or say “not me” or “not all men”.  A good man listens and creates spaces for women’s voices to be heard and respected.

A good man doesn’t need a woman to silence other women on his behalf.

Which brings me to the second part of my issue: women defending “innocent” men at the expense of other women.

A truth is, men don’t need us defending their “honor.”  Their actions in the world defend their honor.  The ways they speak up and out against rape culture defends their honor.  Every time they call out another man on some misogynist “joke” or comment they defend their honor.  Every time they listen to a woman and don’t interrupt or “mansplain” they defend their honor.

They do not need us defending them.  Or making statements like “not all men” or “my partner/colleague/friend” is a Good Guy™.

They, as the cultural oppressor and ones with the upper hands, can defend themselves just fine.

What women need to be doing instead of making statements like “not all men” is standing in solidarity with other women.  We need to not be silencing women who are sharing their story and pain and trauma.  We need to not gaslight each other. We need to to not throw each other under the bus so we can maintain our own status as “good” (and by “good” I mean obedient, complicit, and compliant) women in the eyes of men.

We need to stand in solidarity with each other.
We need to support each other.
We need to believe each other.
We need to encourage each other to speak up and out (when we are ready).

Looking at the Senate race in Alabama in December 2017, I was frustrated at see again how much work we have to do.  That 63% of white women voted for Roy Moore is disgusting to me.  That 63% of white women threw the safety of their own daughters out the window to maintain the patriarchal status quo (and their own place in the hierarchy in doing so) is nauseating to me. (There have been multiple similar examples since then, including most recently Jill Biden jumping to the defense of her husband Joe around the Anita Hill hearings.)

Our daughters deserve better.

Our daughters deserve to live in a world where men in power don’t have the right to sexually, physically, emotionally, or psychologically abuse or assault them.  A world where there are real and dire consequences to harming women.

Our daughters deserve us to stand up and protect them.
Our sisters deserve the same.
Our women and femme friends deserve the same.
Women and femmes we have never met deserve the same.
WE deserve the same.

When we, as women, make statements like “not all men” or try to defend men from the atrocities they as a collective have and continue to commit, we are only being complicit and compliant players in our oppressive, misogynist, patriarchal culture.

Because a truth is, yes all men.

Even your husband.  Even my (ex)husband. Even your son.  Even my son.  All men have their own work to do.  And us loving them isn’t going to change the reality that they were raised and conditioned and trained in a misogynist culture and that, through no fault of their own, they internalized these messages.

There is not a totally innocent man out there.  And unless they are actively and intentionally doing their own inner and outer work to tear this shit down and atone for their own wrong doing and the that of other men, they are that much more of the problem.

Men don’t need us making excuses for them.  They don’t need us defending them.  They don’t need us say “Well, not MY man.”

Men need to do their own work.

And we, as women, need to do our own too.

Which includes taking a deep look inside to explore why we may feel a compulsion to defend the “innocent” men of the world.  Why we feel a compulsion to make statements like “not all men.”  Why we feel a compulsion to disregard and discredit the experiences of other women in favor of the “reputation” of a man.

Yes, we are all in this together. Yes, we cannot change rape culture into consent/nuturance culture without men.  Yes, men are also harmed by our oppressive, misogynist, patriarchal culture.

And we need to stop coddling them and instead begin pushing them to prove to us that they are indeed one of the Good Guys ™ through their actions, not just their in-actions.

Not being a rapist doesn’t automatically make one a good man.  It takes a lot of intentional internal and external work to get that title.

We all need to remember that.

This essay was originally written for my weekly newsletter in December 2017 and has been edited for publication here.

To subscribe to my weekly newsletter you can sign up here.

Learning to tolerate pleasure

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A revolution is the solution. 
Sex is not the enemy.
~Garbage, Sex is not the enemy

If you want to break through to the multi-orgasmic level, you have to be willing to kind of push through something that feels like discomfort the first few times.
~adrienne maree brown, Pleasure Activism

A couple weeks ago I wrote you about learning to tolerate enjoyable emotions as well as uncomfortable ones.  Today I want to hone in on the feelings – emotions and sensations – of pleasure and how it does take work to learn to enjoy them. 

A little over a week ago I wrote this on IG:

For the last couple years I’ve been unraveling, exploring, and reclaiming the idea, emotions, and sensations of pleasure.  This started with my own personal therapy, coming into my body, learning to tolerate all the different feelings that swirl within and throughout me.
It hasn’t all been about sex, though that’s been a part of it most definitely.  It’s also been about resting (and taking naps) when I not only need it, but also when I simply want it.  It has been about reading and writing.  It’s been about watching shows and movies I enjoy.  It’s been about being in environments that are calming and soothing or if my mood wants it energizing.  It’s been about being around people who feed me: emotionally, intellectually, physically. It’s been about allowing myself to experience, on a deep and visceral level, happiness.
There have actually been times that I have been so overwhelmed with happiness that I cried, sobbed. Learning to regulate “positive” emotions is just as intense as learning to regulate the generally less desirable ones.  We can use the same tools, and it also takes practice either way.
We aren’t taught how to tolerate pleasure, let alone enjoy it, anymore than we are taught to tolerate grief, anxiety,  or anger.  It is something we need to choose to learn.  And learning to tolerate pleasure is as uncomfortable initially as learning to tolerate grief or sadness.
When I started this journey of coming home to my body over a decade ago I never imagined I’d come to a place of enjoying some of the sensations and emotions this life as a human has to offer.  I just wanted to be a better mom and not yell as much. Now, while I still continue my work in part so I can be the mom I never had for my kids, it is at least equally if not more true I am doing this now for me, so I can thrive in my life and truly enjoy it.
I share this all to say, it doesn’t matter why we enter into this work.  And we never know where it will lead us. What is important, I believe, is simply that we enter into it.

Pleasure isn’t only about sex and sexuality.  Pleasure is also about joy.  Pleasure is also about love.  Pleasure is also about contentment, happiness, satisfaction.  Pleasure is about feeling good in our own skin, in our work, in our relationships, in the world and in our lives. Pleasure is about feeling alive.

Part of our cultural conditioning and socialization is the demonizing of pleasure or those who seek and enjoy pleasure.  In Christianity the Seven Deadly Sins are almost entirely about pleasure; specifically::

  • sloth (resting, going slow, enjoying the moment)
  • greed (wanting to be satiated, satisfied)
  • lust (sexual pleasure)
  • gluttony (satiating oneself, taking in until we feel ful(filled))
  • pride (feeling good in your own skin, feeling good about your accomplishments)

The other two, wrath and envy, can also be about pleasure, in that they show up when we chronically deny ourselves pleasure.

For those of us with complex trauma, any type of body sensation – even ones that are “normally” pleasurable – can feel uncomfortable, even gross or “icky”.  Living outside our bodies is a matter of survival, and so feeling any type of sensation or emotion, be it painful or pleasurable, can overwhelm our systems. 

Just as we need to learn to tolerate uncomfortable sensations and emotions in order to recalibrate our nervous system and fight/flight response, we also need to learn how to tolerate and enjoy pleasurable sensations so we can not just survive, but also thrive in our lives.

Another aspect of all this is allowing ourselves to slow down and enjoy our lives.  We live in a culture that is all about busy-ness, that does not celebrate the slowing down, the doing nothing.  If we aren’t accomplishing something, if we aren’t producing something, we are taught we then have little to no value or worth.  

Many of us also have a need to “prove” our value and worth, due to the abuse and or neglect we experienced as children.  We do this by hyper-performing; being the best at All The Things, and if we aren’t The Best then the thing isn’t worth doing.  We constantly strive for approval and validation from others, be they “superiors” or peers, and in this striving we also do not allow ourselves rest or enjoy who and where we are now.

So not only are we not able to enjoy pleasure because we are unable to tolerate sensations  in our body, we also have a generations old narrative about how pleasure is bad and if we partake in pleasurable experiences then we are also bad.

As we come into our bodies we can also begin to unravel these narratives and do a bit of rewiring in our brains.  It is true that I strongly believe in the importance of body-centered trauma work; and it is also true that in tandem we need to use cognitive and verbal ways to reinforce new messaging.  

I often encourage my clients to argue with themselves.  When they have a “negative” or harmful thought about themselves to fight back and remind themselves that no, that is not true and this helpful statement IS true.  Then after a minute or two of the back and forth to move onto something else – be it a nervous system exercise to focus on or any other task to disrupt that thought that is causing us harm.

We can do this with any of the non-helpful narratives we have within our psyches, including those around pleasure.  Yes, we need to also be learning how to tolerate the physicality of the emotions and sensations that go with these narratives; and we also need to grow some new neuropathways, and the only way to do that is through our actual thought process.  

I am learning the importance of pleasure in my own life, for myself and for those who matter most to me.  The importance of doing what feels good to us, be that the food we eat or the clothes we wear or the ways we move our bodies or explore our creativity or yes, experience our sexuality.  It is a shift from just getting through each day to actually enjoying my days – perhaps not every single moment because life, but enjoying more and more moments nonetheless.  It is the difference between surviving and thriving.

I highly recommend we all find our ways to thriving and including more pleasure in our lives, whatever that may look like for each of individually. It is a process, it takes time and practice and patience, and I so deeply believe it is worth it.

This was originally written for my weekly newsletter 5, May 2019. It has been edited for publication here.

To subscribe to my weekly newsletter you can sign up here.

Admissions, “apologies,” & other patriarchal nonsense (aka I am furious)

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We have to constantly critique imperialist white supremacist patriarchal culture because it is normalized by mass media and rendered unproblematic. ~bell hooks, Homegrown: Engaged Cultural Criticism

In late 2017 I watched celebrity male after celebrity male come forward and admit to having assaulted or harassed women or other men.  And with each admission and pseudo-apology, my eyes rolled a little bit harder and wider. I had the same response to Joe Biden’s recent string of non-apologies to Anita Hill as well as the women who have come forward stating he had hugged or touched them without their consent.

My initial response to all these “admissions” is No shit.  No shit that a man in power wielded that power to get sexual gratification from those who couldn’t, for any number of reasons, say no.  No shit that these men didn’t think this was “bad.”  No shit that it would appear that every man in the world has done this.

Just like, #yesallwomen have been sexually assaulted or harassed, #yesallmen have at least harassed, if not assaulted women or other men.

(I know there are a few men who read this.  Please don’t write me and tell me #notallmen or #notme.  Yes all men and yes you.  I’m not open for a discussion on this particular point. Complicity is as bad as an actual act as far as I’m concerned.)

I don’t find it surprising or shocking that all these men have done what we all know they have done.  I do find it surprising that other people are shocked by these admissions.

I don’t even find it particularly shocking that they are coming forward.  Because what a great publicity stunt. What a great way to get yourself, the perpetrator, centered instead of those you assaulted.  What a great way to make this, again, all about the men and their power. Or worse, they twist the narrative in such a way as trying to appear to be the actual victim, like Biden seems to be trying to do by saying he won’t apologize for his “intentions” or making quips about how “times have changed”. This is all a re-centering of the perpetrator and pushing the actual victims out to the margins. Again.

I do find it irritating that now that the men are coming forward and saying “oh yeah, I did that” that now women are finally being believed.  Because lord knows we need a man to corroborate our story in order for it to be true.  (Please note the dripping sarcasm there.)

I also find it to be telling that now that these men are either coming forward or admitting guilt to allegations against them that they are losing their jobs and careers.  Because let’s be real honest and clear here, everyone knew this shit was going on.  All the studio and theater executives were crystal clear that this behavior was happening and they normalized it, “looked the other way” (at best), encouraged it (at almost worst), and participated in it themselves (at worst).

There is the term “casting couch” for a reason, folks.

So that now these executives are firing male perpetrators tells me a couple things.  The first is these executives are very smart.  The second that in their smartness they realize that at least 50% of their revenue comes from women.  The third is that they realize those women who make up about 50% or more of their revenue are pissed and are speaking up and out more and more and more and are beginning to no longer tolerate this behavior.

Let’s not think for one moment that these executives are firing folks out of any sense of ethical or moral outrage.

They are following the money.  End of story.

And.

As I am watching as some of these men make pseudo-apologies, I am also watching to see what their next step is.  How are they going to behave moving forward.  What are they going to do to make reparations, not only to their own victims, but also to women everywhere?

Because talk is cheap.

And actions speak louder than words. (As a note, since this was originally written over a year ago, the actions of apology and reparations have been sorely lacking.)

Isabel Abbot wrote this on her Facebook page in November 2017
just so it is made plainly clear.
here in this space #notallmen will not be tolerated. 
victim blaming will be shown the door. 
defending perpetrators and praise for shitty apologies and hand wringing over critique of apologies because “what about redemption” is not worth my time and will be asked to leave.
expressing fear over a perceived witch hunt of even the good ones and claiming men can’t even have a hug or say a word without the threat of being misunderstood and accused of assault is not welcome and if it shows up here it will be called out quickly and completely.
what is happening now is the truth coming into the light. we burn it all down together, all the idols made of our father’s house and false power. nothing spared. this is where the life lives.
and here in this space, i will not qualify my critique of patriarchy and mysogyny with professing i do still love men. i don’t have time for that bullshit.
here, in my spaces, women and femmes are trusted,
and when women speak of their experiences of harm, i believe them and link arms in solidarity with them.
and we keep our eyes on them, keep the attention on their voices and narratives and truth and do not center the frantic scrambling to keep men and patriarchal power forever our focus.
here, we continue to center the margins and celebrate the righteous rising up of those who say no more.

I am weary of the idea that women are on some sort of witch hunt and that “good men” are going to be persecuted and that we need to think about the trauma that the perpetrator endured as a child and well, she didn’t actually say no or stop lines of bullshit.

Even “good men” are complicit.  Even “good men” have looked the other way.  Even “good men” have not spoken up.  Even “good men” have harassed and assaulted. Even “good men” benefit from the fear that rape culture instills in women and femmes.

Because this isn’t about “good men” or “bad men”.

This is about living in a culture that normalizes and justifies the objectification and dehumanization of women.  And all men benefit from this.

I am neutral about these men coming forward.  I question their motives in doing so.  I question the executives and their motives in firing these men.  I really don’t care that these men are finally admitting their guilt and complicity in our culture. I don’t care that some men find it “confusing” or feel like the “rules have changed”.

I do care that up until now women have not been believed.

I do care that women have been told “oh it wasn’t that bad” or asked “well, what did you do to encourage him.”

I do care that dress codes are still focused on sexualizing girls instead of having a conduct code that punishes boys for objectifying these girls or even better yet creating and teaching and modeling a culture of consent.

I do care that these men have gotten away with this behavior for hundreds and thousands of years.  And that, frankly, they will continue to get away with it, because the old boys club is real.

Not only do I care about these things, I am also furious and filled with rage.

I am furious that women have been gaslit for millennia.

I am furious that 1 in 3 women have been victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.

I’m furious that 1 in 5 women in the United States has been raped in their lifetime.

I am furious that these numbers are likely much higher because these are only the numbers that are reported and the entire process of reporting this type of assault is rife with victim blaming and actually discourages victims from reporting.

I am furious that 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.

I am furious that 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.

I am furious that between 21-60% of victims of intimate partner violence lose their jobs due to reasons stemming from the abuse.

I am furious that between 2003 and 2008, 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser, which is 78% of women killed in the workplace during this time frame.

I am furious that men think they have a right to touch or talk about a woman’s body without her permission.

I am furious that some people seem to think the men who are finally coming forward and admitting their guilt deserve cookies and medals and praise for being “so brave.”

I am furious that in my circles I need to differentiate between a sense of safeness within our bodies and actual physical safety out in the world.

I am furious that I have to remind the women in my circles NOT to do any of the exercises and practices I offer them when they are not in a physically safe environment.

I am furious at the amount of trauma that lives in our bodies, because of the culture we live in and the normalization of rape, objectification of women, and victim blaming and silencing.

I am furious that women earn less than men yet are often more competent and do better at their jobs.

I am furious that reproductive rights is even a topic of conversation, let alone that “heartbeat” laws are being passed across the US, the Roe vs. Wade will be challenged at the Supreme Court level within the next decade and that the current Supreme Court will likely reverse RvWade.

I am furious that those who would take away my reproductive rights, also would take away my ability to care for and feed a child (by cutting funding to social services that benefit women and children).

I am furious and repulsed by the excuse making for pedophiles that crops up periodically.

I am furious that we have all suffered in relative silence for far too long.

I am furious that we have not been believed and need men to corroborate our stories.

I am furious, about all this and so much more.

Remember:: Our rage is valid.

And please, don’t ever forget that.

/../

This was originally published as one of my weekly newsletters in November 2017 and has been edited for publication here.

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