motherhood – Page 4

Love and Repair

January 14, 2013 By gwynn

Love is a very special kind of emotional bond, the need for which is wired into our brain by millions of years of evolution.

– Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy

We’re social creatures, humans. We need to have another person in our lives who loves us, who will be there to support us, who has our back, no matter what. For children this other person would be a parent. For adults it would be our romantic partner or a sibling or very close friend. Having this other person is fundamental to our resilience in regard to stress and trauma. Having this other person allows us to be free to explore our world and express our true self.

As a child I didn’t have that kind of support or bond with my parents. Now that I’m an adult, I have that person. My husband is truly amazing. He is patient. He is supportive. He loves me, truly unconditionally. He’s not perfect, none of us are, however he is truly perfect for me.

I forget that sometimes.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in my old myths. You know, those stories a lot of us have about not being worthy of love; that we can’t trust another person to take care of us. Or sometimes I get so spun up that I can’t even see how much he loves me, because of all my old stories or my own panic mode is activated for some reason which leaves me terrified of being abandoned.

I have seen this panic in my daughter in the past. It usually came out when I was in my own panic mode and shutting down, going into my own self-preservation mode, leaving me unable to truly provide the connection that my daughter needs to feel safe.

I’ve become an expert at repair.

The key to repair isn’t about simply saying “I’m sorry”. True repair happens as we reach out and start to authentically connect with the Other. Those steps to connection – to strengthening the attachment bonds – are basically the same whether we are repairing with our child, with our spouse or partner or with a close friend or sibling. These steps can be challenging, because it requires me to step a bit out of my own myth and story to and actually see and hear the other person. Letting go of those old stories can be scary and yet, so very freeing and exhilarating.

The best part of stepping into deep connection repair is how it has opened my life to joy. How many more peaceful moments and loving days I get to have with my family. How my husband and I can always come back together after a separation and go straight into a deep connection without being stuck in old stories about ourselves, each other or our relationship.

I am deeply in-love with my life. I want you to be deeply in-love with your life too, to have authentic and connected relationships with those close to you. Because of my longing for you to have this sense of peace and joy, I have developed an on-line program, sharing these steps to repair and connection. Included in the program are daily emails as well as personal one-to-one email correspondence. Once the program has ended you will also have the opportunity to have either a telephone or skype session with me, as I truly want to know how you are doing and help you work through any place in the steps you may be stuck.

Today I release my program, Repairing in Relationship, to you. We will start on the traditional day of love, February 14 and work together for seven weeks exploring the steps to repair and reconnection. I’m looking forward to helping you and your family find your way to peace, love and joy.

Bridges

January 10, 2013 By gwynn

“Mama, there’s a big crack in the bridge!” my daughter exclaimed as we were driving this afternoon to the airport. I explained to her that the “crack” was there on purpose – to allow for the materials of the bridge to contract and expand in different weather.

I didn’t go on to explain that it’s there in case of earthquake and allowing the bridge to buckle a bit. She doesn’t need to worry about that just yet.

Bridges are interesting structures – they connect two spaces, making the distance between them traversable.

Bridges are all about Connection.

I’m leaving tonight for my week away from home. My week of in-person time for school where I spend from 9am to 6pm in seminars, workshops and classes. At the end of my days I am worn out and can barely think – completely physically and mentally exhausted. The first two to three days are fun – a little holiday from my full-time mama life, where I’m only in the company of adults and I get to discuss Deep and Important things.

Then Day Four arrives. I start to miss them. My husband. Our girl.

Day Five arrives and I’m questioning why I felt the need to pursue this degree, why I chose this program. Being away from my loved ones and my home, my space, my people, is almost unbearable. I fantasize about leaving the Conference early.

I endure the last two days on a sheer force of will. Knowing that if I want this degree from this program I need to stay the full week. I need to get through it, regardless of how mentally and physically exhausted I am, regardless of how much I miss my Little Family.

I always bridge this time away for my daughter. I leave a special shirt or give extra love to a special lovey for her, give her permission to play dress up in my dress up clothes. She gets a small present every morning I am gone, from me. Some game to play or jewelry or a new nightgown or something, just to let her know I love her, that I am thinking of her, always. I talk to her every night after dinner and she tells me all about her day. I stay on the phone with her until she decides the conversation is over, letting her get her fill of mama, to get her through to the next day.

In the past I haven’t bridged this time for myself. Last semester my daughter insisted I pack Millie, a pink stuffed cat that she got me for Mother’s Day last year. I was actually surprised how much that lovey helped me through the separation. Day 5 came and I wasn’t completely miserable. I was able to be reminded of my family and our love for each other, just by looking at Millie. Millie came with me to class a couple times. Everyone in my cohort has met and held Millie.

Separations from our loved ones can be hard. Many of us are good at keeping our children’s attachments safe, we are good at protecting them and keeping their emotional health in a good and resilient place. Often times we forget about our own emotional health. Many of us as children had our own emotions ignored, disregarded. As a result we in turn disregard our emotional needs.

Millie is with me today. She’s in my arm as I edit this in-flight. She’ll sleep with me and she’ll probably come with me to class at least a couple times. She’ll help me relax into the present moments and be able to absorb the knowledge and wisdom of my instructors and cohort.

She’s my bridge to my family. Keeping our distance apart traversable, even if it is only so in spirit.

A little pink stuffed cat is helping me heal. Helping me connect. Helping me learn to care for myself, to self-regulate.

Another gift from my daughter. Another lesson. Thank you, to my girl. Thank you, Millie.

Beginnings

November 30, 2012 By gwynn

I’m sitting in my living room, tree lit, winter village up with twinkle lights all around it, candles glowing softly throughout the house. Music is playing quietly on the ipod and our daughter is at the family laptop typing up a letter to her Gram while my husband is upstairs working.

Our new Advent calendar is up on the wall. I made the calendar this year and each day has a special activity for us. Traditionally, since our daughter’s second Christmas season when she was a little over 18 months, I make a countdown chain and each night she gets to tear off a link of the chain to see how much closer to Christmas we are. I didn’t intend on doing that this year, thinking this new calendar tradition would replace the old countdown chain.

I never intended the countdown chain to be a tradition. I did it last minute that first year because the felt advent calendar kit I had purchased sat unmade in it’s box. The same happened the next year and the next. Last year we bought a Lego City advent calendar and did the chain too. (The felt calendar kit still sits in a box, in our closet, taunting me, daring me to make it.)

When I told our daughter that the experiential calendar I made was going to be our Advent calendar, that we wouldn’t have the countdown chain, she got so upset. She wanted the countdown chain. I hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that the chain IS a family tradition, whether it was my intention or not. While I was thinking it’s just some construction paper and glitter glue, my daughter is thinking this is family ritual, holiday tradition.

We made the countdown chain together this year. She helped cut the strips and helped me glue some of the chain links. After a lot of consideration, she decided she wanted it to hang across the bookcases that also holds our stockings and the winter village, where it traditionally lives.

While the countdown chain is an “old” tradition for our family, having our daughter help me make it is new this year. It marks the beginning of a new stage in our family, as she grows older and more independent. As she wields scissors and helps make decisions about where some of the holiday decorations should go we continue our quiet traditions with love and anticipation. We stay cozy in the old–decorating our tree on Thanksgiving Day, hanging our stockings from the JOY mantle hangers–as we bravely go into the unknown of a holiday without shopping, seeing the magic and abundance in the quiet moments instead of creating large moments filled with excess.

As our home transforms to welcome the holiday season and the countdown to days filled with more light begins, I also bravely embark on a new adventure. This new site marks the launch of my new business, the quiet beginning of acknowledging my special gifts and offering them to you.

I look forward to our journey together, through this beautiful holiday season and beyond. May we all find Joy, Connection and Light in the quiet–and not so quiet–moments this time of year brings.

joy connection light — Joy, Connection and Light

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