Gwynn Raimondi, MA

Speaking up and out

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We are not jackass whisperers. This is perhaps one of my most favorite sayings ever (I heard the original quote through Brene Brown who was quoting Scott Stratten ). What this means to me is: knowing when to just walk away from a discussion.

This used to look like, for me, smiling and nodding and giving the impression that I agree with whatever bullshit a person is spewing. As I have grown older I smile and nod less and less and since November 8th the smiling and nodding is pretty much non-existent.

And I do still walk away. And part of this is because I also have a tendency to do a total mean girl smack down, especially when it’s a topic I’m actually an expert about. And I haven’t found a way to be very clear about what I know and stating the facts without doing a lot of undertone of “you are total idiot for not knowing this.”

I’m learning. I’ll get there. So, in the name of not being a bully I just walk away.

But.

Really, what I’m realizing as I’m writing this, is that this doesn’t really serve anyone either. That people making statements like “Sure there are facts, but we can disagree with the facts” is something we really need to be very clear about calling bullshit on.

And perhaps, what I’m more worried about is coming off like a bitch or a know it all or as rude or as impolite. Maybe it’s not about being a bully at all. Maybe it’s about being a Good Girl.

So many fucking layers to this cultural training we receive. So much for all of us to unravel. Me included.

There are so many ways we silence ourselves. There are so many ways that we each remain complicit in and compliant in the status quo. There are so many ways we each allow oppression, of ourselves and of others. And there are layers and layers and layers for each of us to unearth and unravel and dismantle and dislodge.

So, here’s to the messy and uncomfortable and not really fun at all work of unearthing and unraveling and dismantling and dislodging. Because it is the only way we’re ever going to tear all this shit down.

In rebellious solidarity and love. Always.
xoox

Gaslighting & Boundaries

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Jung said “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” This is often misquoted as something along the lines of “what we don’t like in others is something we don’t like about ourselves.” There is a difference in these messages. The second, not what Jung said, implies that if we don’t like someone or don’t like something they did that it is about our own internal stuff and not about that person or what they actually did. The actual quote invites us to look at ourselves and understand more fully why we are irritated: perhaps we are irritated because this person is constantly crossing our boundaries or giving unsolicited advice or tries to gas light us and so our irritation is showing us our boundaries and what we are willing to tolerate from other people.

A thing is, we don’t have to like every person on the planet. I think it is safe to say that the majority of our population doesn’t like a particular leader (or several) right now. This is a GOOD THING. It means we are clear on our own boundaries of what we are willing to tolerate from others. And when others are clearly immovable (thank you Kelly Diels for this word) around issues that are vital to our humanity, well… I don’t have time or energy to spend on them.

And a few words about gas lighting: I can smell gas lighting from about a mile away. When I witness another being gas lighted or when someone is trying to gaslight me, I have a very specific physical reaction. So, while my mind may not be able to piece together logically what is going on, my body knows and I have learned to listen.

If a person is really good at gaslighting, and most who do it are, our mind is typically left with a feeling of unease but we don’t really know why. Looking at behavior they aren’t doing anything “wrong”. But there is a repetition and pattern that you can observe over time if you continue to stay aware and listening to those feelings.

Gaslighting is abuse. Period. It is also about control and having a sense of superiority and status.

I don’t tolerate gaslighting. At all. And because I have a finely tuned sensor I know when it’s happening. I still also always check in with myself to see if there is something about me in the situation or not. Most of the time there is not. And so I will either clearly state NO to the person or walk away (because another thing about gas lighters is that I really don’t know they realized what they are actually doing and would never own that they are attempting to gas light another).

This comes back to us not being required to like everyone and needing to be “be nice” or “polite” to everyone. And also, saying NO is NOT being impolite. Setting boundaries is NOT being rude. Not tolerating unacceptable behaviors, like gas lighting, doesn’t mean WE are the one with the problem.

So, yes, if someone irritates you, do stop and look within and take the time to see if this is an opportunity for you to grow. And maybe where the opportunity for you to grow is in setting and defending boundaries and learning when to walk away.

In rebellious solidarity.
xoox

If you’d like to explore gas lighting, boundaries and consent in a community of other women, I invite you to join Isabel Abbott and I for our six month circle, Body of Consent.  To learn more and register, click right here.

Patriarchal Wounds

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We live in a culture that hates women. We grew up in this culture. We were raised in this culture.

As were our mothers.

And their mothers.

And their mothers.

And so on, back a few thousand years.

And since we are all still alive, what this means is that a long, long, long, LONG time ago, our female ancestors figured out how to survive. How to play the game. How to act the part. And in doing so, they bought not only their survival, but their daughters’ survival too.

And.

This playing the game and acting the part and all the rest of figuring out how to survive had its costs.

It meant disconnecting. From their own bodies. From ancient traditions and rituals and ways of being and knowing. From other women. And even from their own mothers and daughters.

This disconnection brought survival, yes. And it meant our ancient mothers taught and trained their own daughters how to survive. How to disconnect. How to play the game and act the part.

And all this disconnection also meant a severing from the Self. From embodiment. From innate wisdom and knowing.

And this severing and disconnection was wounding. To the psyche and the body and the spirit. To relationships with self and others. And to society and culture and humankind.

These wounds are often called the “Mother Wounds.” I kinda hate that term. I find it to be a distraction. Because while the wounding is partially passed down mother to daughter, the Truth is, that this wounding is passed down by our patriarchal culture. It is passed down by men and women, by fathers and mothers, by the media, by the systems that are meant to keep us in our place and compliant and complicit and obedient.

So, I call these wounds Patriarchal Wounds. Because, that’s what they are. And our mothers and their mothers and their mothers and so on back a few thousand years all had them too.

Some of these wounds were and are physical scars from mutilation or abuse or rape. Some of these wounds were and are psychological from being gaslighted and demeaned and devalued and labeled as less than (human). Some of these wounds are spiritual as religions washed away the goddesses and their stories and rewrote spiritual history so that male gods gave birth to the earth.

All of us have these wounds. And we have internalized the messages that come with this wounding.

That women are evil and can’t be trusted.

That we aren’t good enough at anything.

That we are way too much and take up too much space and air and thought.

That we have no value or worth and make not positive contributions to this world.

And while all these messages have burrowed into our skin and muscle and sinew and being… and while they did the same with our mothers and their mothers and their mothers back a few thousand years… and while at times it seems a losing battle to fight this culture and its hatred of women…

Fight we must.

Resist we must.

Disrupt we must.

Unravel and dislodge and destroy and create new, we must.

Because our daughters deserve better.

Because our nieces deserve better.

Because our sons and nephews and brothers and husbands deserve better.

Because WE deserve better.

xoxo

I am offering a six month circle of unearthing, unraveling, exploring, examining, disrupting, dislodging, destroying and creating new. Nine months of looking at these wounds and how they have been passed down and how we can apply salve and heal them. So we can do and be different than our mothers and their mothers and their mothers back a few thousand years. So our daughters and nieces and sons and nephews don’t need to heal as much. So we can stop the passing down of these wounds. So we can connect – to our daughters, our mothers, our Self.

If you’d like to learn more and request an application go to http://gwynnraimondi.com/unleashingourself/ Space is limited to 9 women (CIS, Transgender and AFAB non-binary all welcome). I’d love for you to join us.

xoxo