Category: Consent

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Commitment, Consent, & Boundaries

A thing about personal change or growth or transformation is that it typically takes time. It takes time to do all the unearthing and unraveling and dismantling and dislodging. It takes time to see all the different ways not only we ourselves have been harmed but also to see the many ways we have actually (unintentionally, unconsciously) participated in harming others.

We don’t just wake up one day and suddenly no longer have any implicit biases or internalized isms. We may wake up one day and suddenly be aware of a lot of these biases and ~isms. And being aware of them and removing them from our being are two very different things.

This is why I now only have online groups or circles that are six months or longer. And it is why all my in-person work is for a minimum of three months.

Because this work takes time. And we need the space. We need space for the stops and starts. We need space to allow some work to settle before moving on to the next. We need space to experiment and try different things to see what fits us and what doesn’t.

Connecting to our consent and boundaries, and learning how to respect and honor the consent and boundaries of others takes time. In a “good enough” family dynamic, it takes about 20 years (the span from infancy to young adulthood). And so, if we are only beginning to dive into this work, we have however many years we’ve been alive worth of training and conditioning to unravel on top of actually learning what boundaries actually feel like in our bodies and how to honor them.

This is not to say we can’t learn some things quickly. We can. Absolutely. And “quickly” is a relative term. Six months is quickly in my book. And a LOT can be unlearned and relearned in that amount of time.

This is why Isabel Faith Abbott and I decided to have our collaboration, Body of Consent, have a six month duration. Because we want to take the time to truly get into this work, to allow space for the mess and exploring and experimenting. To give time for the retreating and coming back to it. To truly practice and get into our skin and being what boundaries and consent feel like and know when our own is being crossed and when we are crossing that of another.

And it is a commitment. A commitment to this work. A commitment to learning and unlearning. A commitment to understanding and feeling and knowing that we are all in this work for the long haul.

If this sounds like your next steps, if this sounds like a way for you to commit to the work of healing and shifting and unlearning and relearning, we’d be honored to have you join us.

You can learn more and register at http://gwynnraimondi.com/bodyofconsent

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Speaking up and out

We are not jackass whisperers. This is perhaps one of my most favorite sayings ever (I heard the original quote through Brene Brown who was quoting Scott Stratten ). What this means to me is: knowing when to just walk away from a discussion.

This used to look like, for me, smiling and nodding and giving the impression that I agree with whatever bullshit a person is spewing. As I have grown older I smile and nod less and less and since November 8th the smiling and nodding is pretty much non-existent.

And I do still walk away. And part of this is because I also have a tendency to do a total mean girl smack down, especially when it’s a topic I’m actually an expert about. And I haven’t found a way to be very clear about what I know and stating the facts without doing a lot of undertone of “you are total idiot for not knowing this.”

I’m learning. I’ll get there. So, in the name of not being a bully I just walk away.

But.

Really, what I’m realizing as I’m writing this, is that this doesn’t really serve anyone either. That people making statements like “Sure there are facts, but we can disagree with the facts” is something we really need to be very clear about calling bullshit on.

And perhaps, what I’m more worried about is coming off like a bitch or a know it all or as rude or as impolite. Maybe it’s not about being a bully at all. Maybe it’s about being a Good Girl.

So many fucking layers to this cultural training we receive. So much for all of us to unravel. Me included.

There are so many ways we silence ourselves. There are so many ways that we each remain complicit in and compliant in the status quo. There are so many ways we each allow oppression, of ourselves and of others. And there are layers and layers and layers for each of us to unearth and unravel and dismantle and dislodge.

So, here’s to the messy and uncomfortable and not really fun at all work of unearthing and unraveling and dismantling and dislodging. Because it is the only way we’re ever going to tear all this shit down.

In rebellious solidarity and love. Always.
xoox

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Gaslighting & Boundaries

Jung said “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” This is often misquoted as something along the lines of “what we don’t like in others is something we don’t like about ourselves.” There is a difference in these messages. The second, not what Jung said, implies that if we don’t like someone or don’t like something they did that it is about our own internal stuff and not about that person or what they actually did. The actual quote invites us to look at ourselves and understand more fully why we are irritated: perhaps we are irritated because this person is constantly crossing our boundaries or giving unsolicited advice or tries to gas light us and so our irritation is showing us our boundaries and what we are willing to tolerate from other people.

A thing is, we don’t have to like every person on the planet. I think it is safe to say that the majority of our population doesn’t like a particular leader (or several) right now. This is a GOOD THING. It means we are clear on our own boundaries of what we are willing to tolerate from others. And when others are clearly immovable (thank you Kelly Diels for this word) around issues that are vital to our humanity, well… I don’t have time or energy to spend on them.

And a few words about gas lighting: I can smell gas lighting from about a mile away. When I witness another being gas lighted or when someone is trying to gaslight me, I have a very specific physical reaction. So, while my mind may not be able to piece together logically what is going on, my body knows and I have learned to listen.

If a person is really good at gaslighting, and most who do it are, our mind is typically left with a feeling of unease but we don’t really know why. Looking at behavior they aren’t doing anything “wrong”. But there is a repetition and pattern that you can observe over time if you continue to stay aware and listening to those feelings.

Gaslighting is abuse. Period. It is also about control and having a sense of superiority and status.

I don’t tolerate gaslighting. At all. And because I have a finely tuned sensor I know when it’s happening. I still also always check in with myself to see if there is something about me in the situation or not. Most of the time there is not. And so I will either clearly state NO to the person or walk away (because another thing about gas lighters is that I really don’t know they realized what they are actually doing and would never own that they are attempting to gas light another).

This comes back to us not being required to like everyone and needing to be “be nice” or “polite” to everyone. And also, saying NO is NOT being impolite. Setting boundaries is NOT being rude. Not tolerating unacceptable behaviors, like gas lighting, doesn’t mean WE are the one with the problem.

So, yes, if someone irritates you, do stop and look within and take the time to see if this is an opportunity for you to grow. And maybe where the opportunity for you to grow is in setting and defending boundaries and learning when to walk away.

In rebellious solidarity.
xoox

If you’d like to explore gas lighting, boundaries and consent in a community of other women, I invite you to join Isabel Abbott and I for our six month circle, Body of Consent.  To learn more and register, click right here.

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Resilience & Boundaries

Last month we celebrated the birth of my husband. He got presents and we went out to lunch and we had cake. It was a good day, if exhausting, because toddler.

The night before his birthday, when we were talking about tomorrow being my husband’s birthday, our son (2.5 yo) starting talking about how he wanted presents too. We of course explained that no it’s daddy’s birthday and only daddy gets presents on his birthday. Our son was having none of this. He was pissed and he wanted presents.

When I was growing up, my maternal grandmother would make sure there were gifts for all three of us girls (myself, my sister and our mother) on all our birthdays. Usually the birthday person got two gifts and the other two got one. I’m not sure when this “tradition” started, but I have a feeling it began when I was around two and it was probably my mother’s birthday and I wanted presents and sweet jesus where were my presents and there was much screaming and raging from toddler me.

(I say this because my mother was an only child so it wasn’t a tradition from her childhood and my grandmother had nine or ten siblings and I am deeply doubtful that my great-grandmother make sure everyone had gifts on all the birthdays. Also, I was the only child of my parents for six years and the only grandchild on both sides for six years too. So, to say I got my way a LOT is probably a bit of an understatement.)

I related the story of everyone getting gifts when I was young to my son as I was changing his diaper that night. He, of course, thought this was a GREAT idea. And I did my best to explain to him why it wasn’t.

Because when it was *my* birthday, even though the cake was for me and I got two gifts instead of one, it didn’t really feel special. And my guess is this is probably true for my sister and was true for my mother too.

And because, it is important for those we love to feel special, at least one day of the year. That on one day of the year, the day is about them and what they want to to do. This is also still something I’m trying to teach our daughter as she tried to plan the entire day for my husband.

And the real truth is, for the first six years of my life, while also a lot of super shitty and traumatic things happened, I was also the center of the universe and really got almost anything I wanted when I wanted it.

This didn’t help me out very much when my younger sister was born. I had had zero preparation for not being the center of attention at all times. And honestly, this impacted our relationship for a very long time because suddenly I had to share and this was something I’d never really had to do before.

This is only one of the ways my family failed to teach me resilience. And it is a lesson that I am taking to heart for my own kids.

Because not matter how pissed my little guy was that my husband’s birthday is not about two year old him (and he declared several times that it was HIS birthday too and he needs presents too), he also needs to learn that not every moment of every day is about him. And he perhaps especially needs to learn this because he is a white male.

And the same is true for our daughter. She may want to do this or that to celebrate my husbands (or my) birthday, but the day isn’t about her. And if he (or I) don’t want to do what she thinks we should do, she needs to learn to be okay with that. I know that her planning is coming from a good place and I know that it is her way of giving, and still, the world will not end if a person says “no thank you.”

I feel like these are lessons a lot of us still need to learn: that it isn’t all about us and that we will survive if someone tells us “no thank you.” I’m still unraveling it all in myself, and there is nothing quite like being a 45-year old woman and feeling a temper tantrum coming on because I’m not getting my way. Thankfully, I have the frontal lobe connection and capacity to catch it and analyze it and learn from it. And it took a lot of work for me to get here.

All this to say, I believe we all (and I do include me in this) have a lot of work to do. And some of that work may show up as we teach our kids resilience. And some of it may show up as we fight for civil and reproductive rights and social justice. Because all of this is uncomfortable and challenging and even sometimes hard. And I believe we can do it and that we will make lots of mistakes along the way and we can learn from those mistakes if we allow ourselves to.

I’m stumbling right along side you. And I believe together we will figure it out.

xoox

If you’d like to be in circle with other women exploring the ideas and intersections of resilience and consent and boundaries, I invite to join Isabel Abbott and myself in our six month circle Body of Consent.  We will begin on March 1 and we’d love to have you join us.  You can learn more and register right here.

If you enjoyed this essay, I invite you to sign up for my weekly love letter that comes out each Saturday night.  You can subscribe to it right here.

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Power of community

The last few weeks have been interesting. An admitted sexual predator took the White House. We have seen blatant attempts at gaslighting by the White House press secretary. Hundreds of thousands of women ACROSS THE GLOBE on ALL seven continents marched for women’s rights. And then all the executive orders that have been flying at us, including a ban on refugees and immigrants from Muslim countries.  And during all of this I have been checking in with various feminist spaces, connecting and witnessing and observing.

I have witnessed both curious and beautiful discussion and learning as well as shaming and silencing.

I have watched people give advice or their opinions when it wasn’t asked for.

I have watched boundaries being crossed and consent being disregarded.

I have watched people clam up and/or get defensive and go on attack.

I have watched as some express their valid pain and rage and frustration.

And some of this has been online and some of it in person and some of it between adults and some of it with my children as they work out their own relationship of mutual respect and consent.

And where I’m landing in this moment, is we all have a lot of work to do.

And yes I mean the macro work of calling representatives and getting our hands and minds and bodies busy volunteering and doing the work of resisting and disrupting this new administration at every turn.

And I also mean we all, and I do mean WE ALL and I am most definitely including myself in this, have a lot of inner work still to do too.

We need to look at our own internalized misogyny.

We need to look at all our implicit biases.

We need to examine the ways each of us have silenced or shamed or gaslighted another, whether it was intentional or conscious or not.

We need to build our resilience.

We need to have a deep and clear and embodied understanding of consent and boundaries.

And we need to learn to sit in discomfort and know we’ll all live if we make a mistake or turn out to be in the wrong in some way.

We each have a lot of unlearning and relearning to do.

There are many, many ways to do this learning.

And I find one of the best ways to do this learning and unlearning is in community. With others who are also stumbling and finding their way in the unraveling and exploring and dismantling and dislodging.

In community where we can be witnessed and supported.

In community where we can be lovingly pushed outside our own comfort zones.

In community where we can make mistakes without risk of being shamed or ridiculed.

In community where we can connect with each other and see we are very much not alone.

I believe in the power of the community.  It is why most of my work is in the form of circles and groups.  There is magic that happens when people come together to dig deep, to find support, to be witness to others.  Something greater than the sum of each of the individuals  is born.  And it is amazing to be a part of and witness to.

I invite you to find your brave communities.  The ones where you will be both held and lovingly pushed.  The ones where you can sit in discomfort.  The ones where you can bear witness to the pain and struggles of others.  The ones where “negative emotions” aren’t dismissed or banned.  The ones where you can both be you just as you are and also learn to do and be different.

We all need these communities.  And sometimes our communities will stumble.  These are growing pains and we all come out of isolation and learn to be together again.  These are the growing pains of taking off our patriarchal leashes.  These are the growing pains of revolution and burning it down and building something new and different and better.

xoox

If you would like to join me in community, I have four circles that will be starting in March::

On March 1 Isabel Faith Abbott and I and others will gather together in circle to explore specifically the ideas of consent and boundaries. We will look at trauma and resilience. We will unravel stories and dislodge some of our conditioning of how we are “allowed” to be from our bodies and being. We will heal some of our wounds. And while I can’t tell you how this work will change you or how you will be different at the end of our six months together, I can tell you that shifting and unlearning and dismantling will happen – perhaps in big ways and perhaps in small.  You can learn more and register right here: http://gwynnraimondi.com/bodyofconsent

Also on March 1 a group of us will gather to explore our relationships with other women (including our mothers and grandmothers) and how our patriarchal wounding and conditioning has informed and affected these relationships.  We will be together for nine months, going deep, looking at intergenerational trauma, healing wounds, and connecting to our strengths.  You can learn more and request an application at http://gwynnraimondi.com/unleashingourself

On March 3 my six week in-person women’s circle workshop on self care will begin.  We’ll be learning and practicing how to soothe our nervous systems, embody our boundaries, and process and sit in uncomfortable emotions and sensations. It will be on Friday evenings from 7-9pm at Cunning Crow Apothecary in the Greenwood neighborhood of Seattle.  If you’d like to learn more and register go to: http://gwynnraimondi.com/rebellionselfcare

And on March  15th we will gather for my six month on-line women’s circle on self care for resistors, disruptors and fire breathers.  We will also be learning and practicing how to soothe our nervous systems, embody our boundaries, and process and sit in uncomfortable emotions and sensations. To learn more and register go to http://gwynnraimondi.com/selfcarerevolution

And of course if you would like to receive my weekly love letter, you can sign up for it right here http://gwynnraimondi.com/newsletter