Category: Complex Trauma

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Moving into softness

If we turn away from our own pain, we may find ourselves projecting this aversion onto others, seeing them as somehow inadequate for being in a troubled situation.  ~Sharon Salzberg,Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection

Attachment is a unifying principle that reaches from the biological depths of our being to its furthest spiritual reaches.  ~Jeremy Holmes, John Bowlby and Attachment Theory

Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?  ~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

As we adjust to our “new normal” and social distancing, many of us staying “safe at home”, our anxiety may be running rampant.  As we are either in close quarters with those we normally live with or are alone because that is our normal, we may find ourselves feeling frustrated and our attachment wounds being activated.

This can have us turning to all kinds of unhelpful or even harmful behaviors.  Behaviors that we developed at a young age that were meant to either keep us alive, or are meant to try and get our attachment needs met (in perhaps a very backwards sort of way).

We may find ourselves picking fights.

Pushing people away.

Feeling “clingy” and demanding.

Allowing (untrue, harmful, and hurtful) narratives about others or about ourselves to run rampant in our heads.  

Falling back into ultimately harmful relationships (and remember, a relationship doesn’t need to be outright abusive for it to be harmful, any relationship that keeps us stuck in repeating hurtful patterns and cycle and doesn’t encourage our healing and growth, is harmful).

Our anxiety may be over the top.

Our fear of abandonment may be going wild.

So much is happening in our minds and bodies right now as we move through this unprecedented and totally unknown space.  

We can find ourselves becoming rigid.

Hard.

Immovable.

Ultimately stuck, stagnant, repeating patterns and cycles that hurt us and others. 

Now is the time for us to slow down.

To find ways to calm our systems, take a half step (or more) back, and to consider situations from a more rational place.

A time to examine if the reaction we are having is based in an old trauma, the present situation, or some combination of the two.

A time to consider how our past pain and hurts are impacting us in the present.

A time to find new, helpful ways, of soothing our systems.  Of managing our overwhelm.

A time to shift into softness.

To connect to compassion, for ourselves and others.

To find ways to be more vulnerable, with people who are safe enough.

To explore our own wants, our needs, our desires, for our relationships, for our world, for our Self.

To nurture our own bodies and minds, those we care about and for, our planet.

To consider what fulfills us, what ignites our passions, what gives us a sense of abundance.

To expand, to transform, to evolve.  

To move into softness is counter-intuitive when our fear response is activated.  It is challenging to do even in the best of times.  We live in a culture that encourages us to disconnect, to judge, to be harsh and hard.

Moving into softness can be challenging.  It requires self-awareness and a willingness to shift, to grow, to transform.  It asks us to come home into our bodies, to learn to sit in the discomfort of our emotions and their bodily sensations, to expand our windows of tolerance so we can respond to situations with love for ourselves, others, and our relationships.

We are in challenging and complex times.  Finding ways to calm our systems, to rest, to allow the space for our own evolution is vital.  We are at a precipice in the collective, a time for us to decide if we want to continue on in the harmful ways, destroying our relationships and planet, or if we want to shift into a nurturance culture, one of caring, of compassion, of coming together and lovingly encouraging each other to expand outside our comfort zones, to break generations old patterns and cycles, to revolt against all that keeps us apart and to evolve into the people, and the society, we have always dreamed of.

/../

This essay was originally written for my weeklyish newsletter and has been edited for publication here. To receive my most recent essays, you can subscribe here.

Last weekend Sarah Martland (Founder of Trauma & Co) met to figure out ways we can support our community right now.  We have changed the pricing the the Trauma & Co Community to make it more accessible to more people, and we’ve also made some changes to what all will be offered in it.  We have also brought an offering planned for later this year forward, as well as added an extra pricing level.  You can learn more about Resourcing for Complex Times: Supporting Ourselves Through Challenging Experiences here.

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Managing our stress & anxiety in challenging times

The bodies of traumatized people portray “snapshots” of their unsuccessful attempts to defend themselves in the face of threat and injury. Trauma is a highly activated incomplete biological response to threat, frozen in time. For example, when we prepare to fight or to flee, muscles throughout our entire body are tensed in specific patterns of high energy readiness. When we are unable to complete the appropriate actions, we fail to discharge the tremendous energy generated by our survival preparations. This energy becomes fixed in specific patterns of neuromuscular readiness. The person then stays in a state of acute and then chronic arousal and dysfunction in the central nervous system. Traumatized people are not suffering from a disease in the normal sense of the word- they have become stuck in an aroused state. It is difficult if not impossible to function normally under these circumstances.  ~Peter A. Levine

Unspeakable feelings need to find expression in words. However… verbalization of very intense feelings may be a difficult task.  ~James A. Chu, Rebuilding Shattered Lives: Treating Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders

There is no one way to recover and heal from any trauma. Each survivor chooses their own path or stumbles across it.  ~Laurie Matthew, Behind Enemy Lines

We are living in an unprecedented time.  The current COVID-19 pandemic is having us “socially distance” from each other, while (in the US at least) schools, community centers, and libraries are closing their doors.  We are being encouraged to stay at least six feet from other humans, to work from home, to “self-quarantine” while also receiving messages to go out and support local restaurants and other service based businesses, leaving us confused as to what is best for ourselves, our families, and our communities in general.

Add to this we have social media.  And the internet.  Which means access to information literally 24/7.  This can be soothing to some and activating to others.  The greater issue is the sometimes conflicting and misinformation.

This is all activating our survival response.  This is all exacerbating our anxiety.  This is all stressful and leaves us in a state of not being clear on what we should or shouldn’t be doing (other than washing our hands).

And.

Our need for connection, for belonging, is also increased right now.  Our bodies are wired to be in community and groups when crisis arises.  So when we are unable to connect to our communities, fear around our own survival (subconsciously and consciously) sets in. 

Part of our fear response is denial.  Denial that things are “that bad.” Denial that this crisis will affect us.  Denial that we need to worry about it at all.

As a whole we are on a spectrum between denial (fear suppression) and holy fuck we’re all gonna die (full on fear overwhelm).

I write all that, to try and help normalize what your personal response is.  What is happening for you.  How we can be vacillating between being completely annoyed by this all to being completely terrified.  How we simply feel lost in it all, are trying so hard to figure out what our new normal looks like and to accept that we don’t know how long this new normal will be for. 

This is all deeply stressful.

For those of us with complex trauma, for those of us who need routine and stability and predictability, this is beyond unsettling.  

This means that our practices of soothing and calming our nervous system are vital.  Whatever they may be.   

It means taking time to breathe.  To rest.  To be present with our people now.  

It means allowing all the complex and sometimes conflicting feelings (emotions and sensations) to come through.  To not deny our experience.  To acknowledge where we are in this moment.  Where ever that may be.  

It means having compassion for our Self, our loved ones, and our communities, as we navigate this “new normal” and figure out what does and doesn’t work for us, our families, and the greater collective.  

It means knowing that we are going to get some things wrong. It means those we love are going to get some things wrong.  It means those we trust and respect are going to get some things wrong.  

It means we are all stumbling.  Trying to figure out how to support ourselves, our families, our friends, our communities.  

It means there are no absolutely right or absolutely wrong answers or ways of being right now.

It means we are living in liminal space.

Which, whoa, our activated nervous systems DO NOT LIKE.

I invite you to allow yourself to stop.  To take a breath or a beat to allow yourself to not be in reaction mode.  To stop and just allow yourself to be, just for a moment.  To stop and not make a single decision, just for a moment.

Remember to care for yourself.  Remember that we absolutely can NOT be of service to anyone if we are in a state of constant overwhelm and or burn out.  Remember that our families, our communities, and our own bodies and minds, need us to be caring for our self.

Self care is NOT selfish.  It is necessary for survival.  

It is especially necessary during times of crisis.  Like now.

There is no “under-reacting” or “over-reacting” right now.  These are unprecedented times.  We absolutely do not know what to expect in the long or even short run.  Our fear response is both valid and understandable AND needs to be managed (not suppressed, managed).  

Reminding ourselves as best we can to create that pause between stimulus and response is important right now.  Sometimes we will be able to do it and other times not.  And that is okay.

Reminding ourselves to have compassion for ourselves AND others is important right now.  Sometimes we will be able to and other times not.  And that is okay.

Reminding ourselves that all our complicated, complex, and contradictory feelings are valid is important right now.  Sometimes we will be able to do this and other times not.  And that is okay.

Giving ourselves permission to show up as fully human, that is what matters.  To let go of shame and shaming as much as we can.  

We are truly all in this together.  AND we need to take care of ourselves as we take care of each other.  Be gentle.  Be loving.  Be kind.  Be compassionate.  Towards others, and most especially to your Self.

In rebellious solidarity, always.
xoox

/../

This essay was originally written for my weeklyish newsletter on March 15, 2020. It has been edited for publication here. To receive my recent essays, subscribe here.

If you are looking for resources and tools to help you regulate your system during this time, I invite you to explore our offering at Trauma & Co, Resourcing in Complex Times and or our Trauma & Co Community.

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Self regulation, body reclamation, & trusting ourselves

Knowing yourself is first step towards self reclamation.  ~Amit Gupta

We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.  ~Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

When we self-regulate well, we are better able to control the trajectory of our emotional lives and resulting actions based on our values and sense of purpose.  ~Amy Leigh Mercree, A Little Bit of Meditation: An Introduction to Mindfulness

Living with unprocessed complex trauma means living with a dysregulated nervous system.  It means living in a state of dissociation.  It means not being able to trust ourselves, our reactions, or others and our surroundings.

Living with complex trauma, living in that activated state, in that anxious state, more hours of the day than not, is exhausting.  Emotionally, psychologically, and physically/physiologically.

It impacts our health.  Physical, emotional, psychological.

The impacts of living with unprocessed trauma is exacerbated by the world we live in.  A world where womxn, people of color, trans and non-binary persons, are oppressed and murdered for simply having the audacity to breathe.

A world where being poor is essentially a death sentence.

A world where billionaires can buy their way into the presidency.

A world where victims are blamed and survivors aren’t believed.

A world that is ultimately unsafe.

Knowing this, knowing our world is unsafe, fundamentally so, that this reality activates and exacerbates our complex trauma, how to do we find ways of regulating our nervous systems, reclaim our body, and learn to trust our Self and not be at the mercy of our fight/flight and freeze/fawn reactions?

First, I believe it is so important that we don’t gaslight ourselves.  That we don’t tell our Self that the world is perfectly safe when it’s not.  Yes, there are spaces where we are more or even mostly safe.  In those spaces, we can tell our systems, body, and Self that we are safe enough. 

That said we can also go out and function in the world without being controlled by our limbic system.  We can learn to lower our baseline anxiety, to self regulate, to reclaim our body as OURS and ours only, and even to trust ourselves without lying to ourselves about the reality of the world we live in.

In fact, we need to be able to go out into the world and function.  We need to be able to learn to relate to others in ways that aren’t activating, that don’t escalate already tense situations.  To relate to others from a place of compassion, curiosity, community.  To actually relate to other humans, and ourselves, instead of constantly being on the defense or offense.

I believe in order for us to learn to relate to others, in any and all spaces, we need to bring our baseline anxiety down.  To regulate our autnomic nervous system.  To reclaim our body as our own and to come home into it.  To trust our deeper knowing, our body, our perceptions, while also being curious and open to check in with ourselves and see if what is happening is a response to a past trauma or the present moment.

We need to know if what is happening within is a response to the present moment or that our past trauma experience(s) is being activated in some way, in order to relate to people and situations in ways that are beneficial for all involved, and for the greater collective.

Ultimately, I’m saying it is important for us to do our work.  To learn to self regulate.  To reclaim our body and come home to it.  To know our self well enough so we know when we can trust and when we need to dig a little deeper.

It is important for us to do our work not only so we can enjoy our lives more and have deeper and more fulfilling relationships, but also so the the new ways we are in the world start to make a greater shift for our communities and the greater collective. 

We aren’t required to do this work.  It wasn’t our fault that we were harmed and what we do or don’t do with our processing or healing is wholly up to us.

AND.

We are required to not cause harm to others.  To not perpetuate abuse and trauma.  

I honestly don’t know another way to not cause harm, to ourselves, to other individuals, to the collective, to the planet, than to continue doing our own personal trauma work and breaking the generations old patterns and cycles that have brought us, individually and collectively, where we are today.

This is not simple work.  I don’t believe it’s ever done.  We have layers and layers, lifetimes worth of patterns and cycles to unravel and untangle.

Learning to regulate our nervous system takes practice and time.

Reclaiming our body as ours takes practice, compassion, and an understanding that this part of our work will ebb and flow.

Coming to a place of both trusting our inner knowing and being self-aware enough to know the difference between this knowing and an activated past trauma response takes knowing how to self-regulate, coming into our bodies, and practice, time, compassion, and patience.

This trifecta, self-regulation, body reclaiming, and trusting our Self, is so key to being able to change all our relationships and changing the world. It is how we shift from our own individual survival to having a life that is fulfilling and thriving.  It is a vital part of the revolution and evolution of our species.  It is an important piece of how we will burn down our authoritarian, white supremacist, oppressive systems and come together to build something different, where all persons are free, loved, and liberated.

/../

This essay was originally written for my weeklyish newsletter on March 1, 2020. It has been edited for publication here. If you would like to read my recent essays you can subscribe here.

In Trauma Informed Embodiment™ for Sexual Trauma Survivors we will explore this trifecta, learning tools to self regulate our nervous system, practicing exercises of reclaiming and coming back into our body, and exploring ways to deeper self-awareness, starting to know the difference between our inner knowing and an activated past trauma and seeing the ways we can begin to actually trust our Self.  We will begin on Monday March 16 and registration will close on Sunday, March 15 at 10pm PST.  There are nine spaces total and six are currently still available.  To learn more about this six month group program, you can click right here.  

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When we fall back on harmful patterns & cycles

There is in all things a pattern that is part of our universe. It has symmetry, elegance, and grace – these qualities you find always in that the true artist captures. You can find it in the turning of the seasons, the way sand trails along a ridge, in the branch clusters of the creosote bush of the pattern of its leaves. We try to copy these patterns in our lives and in our society, seeking the rhythms, the dances, the forms that comfort. Yet, it is possible to see peril in the finding of ultimate perfection. It is clear that the ultimate pattern contains its own fixity. In such perfection, all things move towards death. ~Frank Herbert, Dune

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
~Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear (Frank Herbert)

Be mindful of people who feel like home, when home wasn’t a safe place to be. ~TheMindGeek

Change is often challenging.

And if we’re really honest with ourselves and each other, change can also be terrifying.

Why is change so terrifying? Why is it so easy to fall back into old (often harmful) patterns, cycles, even relationships? Why do we keep going back to things we know are hurtful and or damaging?

The why we do this is simple enough. It’s because when we were young, as our brains were first developing and our neural pathways were forming, as we were learning about the world around us, we lived in abusive, neglectful, and or chaotic environments. The neural paths that were then formed, associated what is known and understood with this chaos or harm.

We learned at an early age how to navigate harm. How to side step it. How to get through it. The chaos, in many ways, became “safe.” Even as it was hurting us.

It was safe because it was known. Not because it was actually safe. Not because it wasn’t causing harm.

Simply because it was known.

Breaking patterns and cycles is stepping into unknown territory. A land without any type of road map or navigation system. A land without paths or trails for us to follow.

Breaking patterns and cycles is not known to our brains. It is not what our neural pathways understand. It feels foreign because it is.

Because of this it feels uncomfortable. Even terrifying. It may not feel right. It likely won’t feel good at first or for a while. Even though what we are doing is actually good for us.

We fall back on old (harmful) patterns and relationships because they feel safe. They feel safe because they are known. The cycles we fall back into again and again remind us of our chaotic childhoods and that is understood.

We know how to navigate chaos.

We have no idea how to navigate peace. Real (non-oppressive, non-abusive, non-demanding, assuming, expecting) love. Freedom. Calm. Actual safeness.

And because we don’t know how to navigate it, because it is foreign, it feels weird, uncomfortable. And not just weird, oftentimes boring. And even more often, out and out unsafe. And so we avoid it, run from it, resist it, reject it.

So what does this mean then, as we are doing our work to break life long, often generations old, patterns and cycles to also learn to trust ourselves? As we are doing the work of processing our trauma? Of coming into our bodies and the present? How can we trust ourselves if what feels “safe” is actually harmful? How do we sit in the discomfort of change when every fiber in our being is screaming No! Go back to what we know!! ?

How do we leave, and stop returning to, relationships that are abusive, oppressive; that stunt our personal growth and healing; that keep us stuck in patterns and cycles that are harmful not just to ourselves, but ultimately to our children, to our other relationships, to the ways we interact with and in the world, when those harmful relationships are what feel like “home”?

First we need to develop a metric fuckton (yes, I believe this is an actual measurement) of self-compassion. Because a truth is we will fall back into these patterns. We will revisit these cycles. We will retreat to these relationships. That all, ultimately, cause us harm. Cause those around us harm. Cause our world harm.

We need to understand this is not failure. This is part of the process. With each falling back, it will feel less and less “right.” Not that the new ways of being and doing in the world are comfortable yet, but that what we knew just doesn’t quite fit anymore, and we know it, we feel it, viscerally.

Then as we continue to do the work of processing our trauma, of coming into our bodies, of learning to be in the present moment, we need to be able to allow the space to be curious, to explore, to question ourselves and our motivations. Am I doing X because it is what I know? Is what I know about X ultimately harmful to me? Am I avoiding Y because it is unknown and therefore feels unsafe? Or is Y actually unsafe?

Sometimes we won’t know the answers to these questions, sometimes we will answer the questions incorrectly and end up continuing a pattern or cycle that causes us and or others harm.

This is part of the process. This is part of learning to do different. This is part of breaking those patterns and cycles.

When we enter into new relationships that feel “boring” we need to explore similar questions. Does this feel boring because it’s actually emotionally and physically safe? Or does it feel boring because we actually don’t have much in common and therefore is intellectually unstimulating? Do I feel anxious around this person because they may be a threat? Or do I feel anxious because they are offering me actual safeness, understanding, freedom?

Again, we will answer these questions “wrong” sometimes. And that is OKAY. That is part of the process. It is part of the learning. It is part of getting to know ourselves.

Remember that first step of developing some self-compassion? Yeah, that. We always fall back on that.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t do the repair work we need to do when we cause harm in our relationships, in our world. We do that too. Having a history of trauma is not an excuse to cause harm and does not give us free pass to perpetuate harm.

We can be gentle with ourselves as we journey through this work. As we enter into, then retreat from, then enter into again, the unknown territory of breaking patterns and cycles, of learning what it is to be in truly loving and freeing relationships. Of owning the ways we cause harm to ourselves and others, and doing the work of repair without shame, but rather with the true intent and motivation to create change, within ourselves, within our relationships, and out in our world.

/../

This was originally published in my weekly(ish) newsletter on February 17, 2020. It has been revised and edited for publication here. To receive my most recent essays you can subscribe right here.

We will be learning ways to break patterns and cycles, to slow down and self-regulate, to come into our bodies and reclaim them as our own in the six month Trauma Informed Embodiment™ for Sexual Trauma Survivors (TIE STS) program that beings March 16. To learn more click here.

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When the media activates us

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.  ~Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss

I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.  ~Elie Wiesel

Fear and anxiety affect decision making in the direction of more caution and risk aversion… Traumatized individuals pay more attention to cues of threat than other experiences, and they interpret ambiguous stimuli and situations as threatening (Eyesenck, 1992), leading to more fear-driven decisions. In people with a dissociative disorder, certain parts are compelled to focus on the perception of danger. Living in trauma-time, these dissociative parts immediately perceive the present as being “just like” the past and “emergency” emotions such as fear, rage, or terror are immediately evoked, which compel impulsive decisions to engage in defensive behaviors (freeze, flight, fight, or collapse). When parts of you are triggered, more rational and grounded parts may be overwhelmed and unable to make effective decisions.  ~Suzette Boon, Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists

A couple weeks ago there was a tragic helicopter crash in which eleven people were killed.  One of the deceased happened to be a celebrity.  A celebrity that was accused of a very brutal sexual assault in 2003.

Images of him and him and his daughter (who was also killed) were all over social media for a couple of days as well as all over the more “traditional” media outlets.  It seemed no matter where you looked, there was his face.

This was hard on many people, especially those who had experienced sexual trauma of their own.  Seeing not only the image of a sexual perpetrator all over the media, but also seeing him exalted and all his good deeds repeated with no to very little comment on the rape accusations, was retraumatizing, painful, and activating of our fight/flight/freeze responses.

Many people had similar responses during the Brock Turner trial in 2016.  Or during the presidential election of same year.  Or any other number of instances when a sexual offender is praised and their image is all over the media. When regard to a sexual predators future or career is given more credence than the future and trauma of their victims.

Our autonomic responses, our fight/flight/freeze, are understandable given our histories.  Our histories where we weren’t believed.  Where we were blamed for what happened to us.  Where the future of the perpetrator was more important than our present or future.  Where we were the one in the wrong for breaking the family apart, causing problems by speaking up. All of that contributes to why when events like this occur we go into an activated state.  We are reminded again and again why our stories don’t matter, why what happened to us was our fault, and why we aren’t important, weren’t important, aren’t relevant.

These responses are so completely understandable.  And to a great degree out of our control. 

So what do we do when the media is filled with images that are activating for us?

We do what we need to do to care for ourselves.  That is going to look different for each of us.  For some it is putting down our phones/going off social media.  For others it is curating our social media so it is only our close friends/family or others who “get it”. It could look like requesting an extra session with our therapist.  It could look like writing our own pieces from a survivor/victims point of view.  It could look like going out in nature.  Drinking lots of water. Eating comfort food.  Asking our friends or intimate partner to hold us or conversely to not touch us.  Telling our close people that we are activated and asking for some grace and support.  It could look like hermiting and having our own space binging on Netflix (or whatever streaming service).  

Most importantly, we need to have compassion for ourselves.  We need to recognize and acknowledge that we are activated and remind ourselves that it makes sense why we are.  We allow the space for the rage, the grief, the frustration.  We let ourselves feel the emotions and sensations that are coursing through our minds, bodies, and being.  

The event a couple weeks agao will not be the last time a sexual predator will be honored and exalted in the media.  It won’t be the last that victims were brushed under the rug, disregarded, or disrespected.  It will, unfortunately happen again.

It is true that tides are changing and we are starting to hold some perpetrators accountable.  It is also true that it is a slow process to change rape culture and there are those who are fighting like hell to keep it alive and well.

So it is vital that we develop the resources and tools to care for ourselves in these times.  To let those close to us know that these kinds of events can be activating for us and ask they check in on us or let them know how they can support us.  

I wish the world were different.  I wish we didn’t put the lives and futures of sexual perpetrators above that of their victims.  I wish that we could accept the complexities of humans and not try to put all people in either “good” or “bad” categories.  I wish that victims were believed, supported, and cared for by our culture as a whole.

And.

We are moving in that direction.  I believe that with all my being.  In the meantime though, we have to take care of ourselves.

/../

This essay was originally written for my weeklyish newsletter on February 3, 2020. To receive my most recent essays and more, you can subscribe right here.

Trauma Informed Embodiment™ for Sexual Trauma Survivors (TIE STS) begins on March 2. Part of the program is support during times like these when the outside world is activating our own trauma experiences. To learn more, click here.