Gwynn Raimondi, MA

One of Those days

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It’s been one of Those days. You know, the kind of day you just aren’t proud of. The kind of day you wish you could hit rewind and start all over. The kind of day where you just lose it and it feels so awful.

Yeah, one of Those days, today, for me.

It was one of those days where I. couldn’t. stop. I couldn’t let it go. I kept getting more spun up and becoming more of the mama I absolutely do NOT want to be. My girl, my heart, in tears. No one being heard. Everyone yelling. No peace. Chaos. Seeking control. Trying to control. Being totally out of control.

Yeah, one of Those days, today, for me.

Eating lunch helped. I started to calm a little bit. I was able to calmly convince my girl to eat something too.

Then it slowly started up again. I wanted the house cleaned up, it was a disaster. It made my incredibly sensitive self want to explode. More with me controlling, knit-picking, shaming. More frustration. More yelling. More no one being heard. More tears.

Finally, dear gods in heaven, finally I  s l o w e d  down.

I picked my girl up, and sat with her in our pink chair. I let her melt into my arms. I asked if I could listen to her heart beat. She said yes.

I listened.

I slowed down, and listened to the most beautiful sound in the universe… the beating heart of my child.

I melted.

I held her, her head resting on my chest, listening to my heart. I held her close and now it was my turn – the tears came.

I apologized for being mean. I explained that mama is frustrated and worried and stressed about things that have nothing to do with my girl. Grown up things. Money. Food. Bills. I told her that I wouldn’t be working at my job anymore and that it scared me a little. I explained that when I get scared I get so frustrated so easily. I explained that even though I was scared, she would be okay, always. Mama and Papa would always make sure she was okay.

As my tears flowed and I voiced the truth that my frustrations had nothing to do with her, as I held my beautiful girl in my arms and remembered the beautiful sound of her beating heart, I calmed. I found center. I found peace.

I’m not sure how long we sat there. It was long enough for me to let go of some of my crazy controlling, to let go of directing my frustration with life at my girl. We got up and worked on cleaning for about a minute more and then she took out one of her workbooks and asked me to help her with it. I made tea. We worked together on her writing and then went and watched a movie. We played some online games after that.

We found our calm, our peace. We found our balance together again. No more yelling. Lots of listening. Lots of being heard.

Centering, slowly.

Repairing, slowly.

Practicing, always.

Nourishment

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There’s been a lot of talk about support in my world lately. I have a big issue with the word support. Support to me, is about others helping you stay right where you are, not having someone who helps to grow, helps you change, helps you look deep inside of who you are and how you want to change.

Sometimes I need those pats on the back and those you-go-girls. Most of the time however, I need nourishing: I need people who will gently point out my role in the dance I’m frustrated with, who will gently, yet firmly, shift me from a place of blaming the other towards looking inside myself and how I have contributed to the relationship.

There’s a phrase, it takes two to tango. And it certainly does.

The thing is, we can’t control the other dancer. We can’t make the other take the steps we want him or her to take and we can’t make him or her dance a waltz if they are determined to dance a polka.

We can look at ourselves. We can determine how we want to enter the dance floor. We can breathe in our own truth and recognize the truth of another. We can enter the dance with an open heart, or not.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in blaming the other. It’s easy to see all the faults and mistakes of our dance partner. What’s hard stopping and looking deep within. Sometimes we need another person to help us with that.

My husband seems to have this all figured out. He knows when I need someone to simply love me, to give me space to cry and be sad and have a little temper tantrum about how life is not fair. And he has a special knack of reigning me in when I start to board the Blame Train. He does more than support me, he helps me grow. To paraphrase a line from a movie “He makes me want to be a better person”. And he helps me be that better person.

He nourishes me.

I have friends who do this too. Who gently point out when I’m being a wee bit crazy, when I’m totally off my center, when I’m looking outside for truth and not inside. These women are my sisters, one of them in blood and all of them in my Soul. They live in different parts of the world and my contact with them all varies. And yet I know they will always be there for me, to help me be the person I want to be.

These Sisters nourish me.

They will be there in times of crisis too. When it really is just about support, having someone to keep me safe, someone who can help me hold my life together. Times of crisis are not times for growth, they are truly times for support, times of being stable.

Every day life isn’t crisis. Everyday life is about growth and being that person you are deeply called to be. Are you surrounded by people who help you reflect and look deep inside yourself? Or are you surrounded by people who keep you stuck in patterns and behaviors and relationships that don’t nourish you?

I’m here to provide nourishment for you. Nourishment for your soul. Nourishment so you can grow and become the beautiful and amazing person you are called to be.

 

The last session of Centering in Community starts in just a couple days (February 5), and registration closes that same day. This is an amazing program that provides you with exercises to get back in your body and back to your center and reflection topics to look deep at who you are truly called to be. It’s pay-what-feels-good and go at your own pace. I would love to have you join our growing community.