Category: Self Awareness

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Release

How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole.  ~C.G. Jung

I wrote last week about the process of individuation, what it is, what it means, and if it’s even necessary.  This week I want to dig a bit deeper into this part of our human evolution, part of what it may look like, and why it it is important for the shifting and changing of our patriarchal culture.

To be honest, our culture doesn’t want us to move through this process.  It doesn’t want us to know our own minds, to be self-aware, or to bring our unconscious and shadow into consciousness and light.  Because when we do this, when we move from a state of unconscious reaction to a place of mindful being, well, our authoritarian culture starts to fall apart.

As you know, I deeply believe that the personal is political; that we need both self-actualization AND social liberation to become truly free.

How can we begin this process?  How can we begin to take off the cultural leashes that have been put on us?  How can we shift from a place of unconscious reaction to mindful being?

A possible place to begin is by unearthing, examining and then releasing from our being all those stories we each have about being too much, being not enough, being ashamed of who we are, being ashamed of our very existence.

Those stories we’ll all been fed since birth.  By our families.  By our communities.  By our culture.

Those stories that got into our skin and sinew and bone.

Those stories that keep us quiet, small, focused on pleasing and caring for others while sacrificing our own pleasure and care.

Releasing these stories is a life long process.  We release them in layers.  I think of this work in terms of a three dimensional spiral that we move up and down, in and out of.  We each have many aspects to these stories we all hold, unique to our own lived experience and ancestral history.

As we unearth, examine and release each piece, however, we are creating space for different ways of being.  As we bring each of these stories out of our unconscious and into our consciousness, we can mindfully shift the ways we are in the world and with ourselves.

It isn’t a direct path.  There is no lock-step prescribed “right” way of doing this work.

And.

There are some pretty common tools and processes that we can all use to connect to these stores and move them out of our being.

I talk more about this in the 12 minute video below ::

This essay and video series is in part to share with you the topics we’ll be unearthing, unraveling, and unlearning in the six month circle Becoming Unleashed.  We begin September 22.  If you are interested, you  can learn more and request an application here. xoxo

To read the other essays and view the other videos in this series, click the links below ::

What is “Individuation”?

The Goo as Revolution

Reclamation

Self Actualization in Community

 

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What is “Individuation”?

The aim of individuation requires that one should find and then learn to live out of one’s own center, in control of one’s for and against. And this cannot be achieved by enacting and responding to any general masquerade of fixed roles.  ~Joseph Campbell, Myths to Live By

A person with a well-differentiated “self” recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can support others’ views without being a disciple or reject others’ views without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.  ~excerpt from The Bowen Center (Differentiation of Self)

What does it mean to individuate?  How is it related to self-awareness?   Is it even necessary?

Individuation is a term used originally by Carl Jung.  According to Jung, it is a process in which the individual Self develops out of an undifferentiated (i.e. still connected to familial and social norms and conditioning) unconscious.  It is seen as a developmental psychological process during which innate elements of personality, the components of the immature mind, and the experiences of the person’s life become, if the process is more or less successful, integrated over time into a well-functioning whole.  It is a process that begins as early as the age of two and continues on throughout our lives.

In short, individuation is our ability to know our own minds.  To not be ruled by our unconscious (which includes our social and familial conditioning).  To be able to think for ourselves, to understand what motivates us to do the things we do, to be able to hold our own thoughts even when they are unpopular or go against the current “norm” (while also being open to reason and logic and other ways of thinking and doing).

To be “individuated” is directly related to being self-aware.  Through the process of becoming more self-aware we are able to individuate more.  It is a life long journey.  We do not “arrive” or become fully individuated 100% self-aware – there will always be layers to the unconscious for us to unearth, unravel, and integrate or dislodge.

It is the process of unearthing, unraveling, sifting, unlearning, and reclaiming all the messages we have been given since (perhaps before) birth.

It is the process of releasing our stories of too much, of not enough, of shame.

It is the process of learning to sit in discomfort, in the unknown, in the in-between.  The ability to look at the shadow and not only the light aspects of who we are.

It is the process of (re)claiming who we are and who we want to be.  It is in the (re)claiming of our wants, our desires, our deserving.  It is in the connecting to our strength, our power, our daring.

It is owning all of who we are.

In terms of survival of the human species, individuation is not necessary.  We don’t need to do this to live. It is not a basic human need.  In could be argued that it may be a part of our evolutionary process, and even so, it is not necessary.

When we look at Maslow’s Hierarchy (right), individuation (what Maslow calls “self actualization”) is that the “top” of the pyramid.  This implies that it cannot be achieved unless the other needs are met.  As in, if you do have stable sources of food and shelter, you aren’t going to be working on “self-awareness” – you’re going to be working on finding stable sources of food and shelter!

What I find to be true of the pyramid is that the three base layers are necessary for our survival as humans.  We need food, water, shelter.  We need a sense of safeness.  We need a sense of belonging.

We do not need self-esteem or self-actualization in order to survive.

However.

I would argue that in order to thrive, we do need those two “upper” levels.

I talk more about this in the 15 minute video below.

This essay and video series is in part to share with you the topics we’ll be unearthing, unraveling, and unlearning in the six month circle Becoming Unleashed.  We begin September 22.  If you are interested, you  can learn more and request an application here. xoxo

To read the other essays and view the other videos in this series, click the links below:

Release

The Goo as Revolution

Reclamation

Self Actualization in Community

**Essay now published on Substack.

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Fluffy Positive Thinking

I’ve been feeling annoyed lately. Like really annoyed. Hell, let’s just name it: I’m angry. Pissed off even. And yes frustrated, disgusted and annoyed too.

Mostly I’m angry though.

I’ve been doing my thing, my work, guiding people to connect to their own embodied wisdom; to shedding their shoulds; to connecting deeply to their whole Self, the Light and the Shadow. I talk about the ebb and flow of this work and how sometimes we are deep in it and sometimes we aren’t. I discuss the importance of rest and replenishing and nourishing and allowing our Self to be.

I talk a lot. I do my best to model this way of being by doing my best to live it myself. Which means sometimes I’m deep in the work and sometimes I’m not, and sometimes I’m deep in my practices and sometimes I’m not and regardless of where I am in my journey or what I am or am not doing, I try to be gentle with me and to allow the space for me to be right where I am.

I’m not perfect. I fail all the time. Well, maybe not all the time, and enough to remember why I have my practices and so I pick them up again and they drop off and so it goes.

I’ve become acutely aware lately of pithy quotes and fluffy positive thinking and this idea that our thoughts create our world and if we only think the right thoughts then all the things will perfect and great.

And it’s pissing me off. And it’s time I publicly call bullshit.

First of all let’s break (ha! I first typed “breathe”!) down this idea of thinking the right thoughts. What the hell are the “right” thoughts? If I have the “right” thoughts that does mean I can magically prevent a loved one from dying? Myself from having cancer? A hurricane from devasting the lives and homes of people I know and love (and even the ones I don’t)? If I think the right thoughts does that mean that life stops and nothing bad will ever happen to me? Will I never trip and break a bone or get in a car accident or catch the flu?

Because if thinking the “right thoughts” means all that, then please, will someone tell me what the Right Thoughts are? What are the exact words I need to be thinking? What is the exact mantra I need to have on repeat on my mp3 player and posted on post-its all over my house?

I’m sure there are plenty who will jump in and tell me what some of my “Right Thoughts” could be. And I also bet they won’t own that and allow themselves to be held accountable for what happens when I do every thing that lets me think the “right thoughts” and then still something bad happens.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for gratitude. I’m all for appreciating all that we have. I’m all for seeking and seeing beauty in the world. As long as we don’t shut our eyes to the Shadow, the darkness, to the really shitty parts of being human and living life.

As long as we don’t blame people (and not thinking the right thoughts) for things like cancer and accidents and layoffs and hurricanes, then yes, let’s all do look to the light – BUT let’s not forget for one moment that there is Shadow right behind us and sometimes we need to turn around and have a dance or three with it.

As long as we allow ourselves and others to grieve, to sink into despair, to speak out about how hard life/parenting/partnering/living/being can be.

Also long as we don’t offer “at leasts” and “look on the bright sides” and “silver linings” and the one I hate the most “well if this shitty thing didn’t happen then you wouldn’t have the fabulous life you have today!”

As long as we don’t try to fucking constantly fix it. And by it I mean the dark, the Shadow, the shitty parts of our Self and life.

As long as we can allow ourselves and others to be right where we are, whether that’s in our deepest Shadows or our brightest lights.

Then yes, I’m all for practicing gratitude, seeking beauty, appreciating what we have and who we are.

…

 

Something has shifted in me. Perhaps it’s connecting to the women who came before me and all their (righteous) anger that lives in my bones and muscles and womb. Maybe it’s that I’m going out into the world more, expanding my circles and seeing more and more of this Positive Fluffy Thinking because of it. Perhaps it’s because three different people have mentioned the Law of Attraction to me in the last 48 hours and now my head just wants to explode.

Bad things happen to good people.

Your thoughts do not control reality.

Focusing only on the positive and ignoring and stuffing down the negative only causes imbalance and dis-ease within. It’s makes us ill, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.

I invite you to step into your anger. To open your throat to your roars.

I invite you to sink into your grief. To open your self to body-wracking wails.

I invite you to stumble into your sadness. To open your being to your most guttural moans and howls.

I invite you to dance with your Shadow. To wrestle with her. To play with her. To fight with her.

I invite you to acknowledge and accept your darkest self. To allow this part of you to be. She is not all of you. And she is part of you. I invite you to open your arms to her, and to weep together for all that could have been, all that was lost and all that will never be.

I invite you to be fully and imperfectly human. To connect with all your parts and pieces. To love them all: your Light and Shadow. To allow your Self to be exactly where you are, right now.

 

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