Category: boundaries

Posted on

Gaslighting & Boundaries

Jung said “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” This is often misquoted as something along the lines of “what we don’t like in others is something we don’t like about ourselves.” There is a difference in these messages. The second, not what Jung said, implies that if we don’t like someone or don’t like something they did that it is about our own internal stuff and not about that person or what they actually did. The actual quote invites us to look at ourselves and understand more fully why we are irritated: perhaps we are irritated because this person is constantly crossing our boundaries or giving unsolicited advice or tries to gas light us and so our irritation is showing us our boundaries and what we are willing to tolerate from other people.

A thing is, we don’t have to like every person on the planet. I think it is safe to say that the majority of our population doesn’t like a particular leader (or several) right now. This is a GOOD THING. It means we are clear on our own boundaries of what we are willing to tolerate from others. And when others are clearly immovable (thank you Kelly Diels for this word) around issues that are vital to our humanity, well… I don’t have time or energy to spend on them.

And a few words about gas lighting: I can smell gas lighting from about a mile away. When I witness another being gas lighted or when someone is trying to gaslight me, I have a very specific physical reaction. So, while my mind may not be able to piece together logically what is going on, my body knows and I have learned to listen.

If a person is really good at gaslighting, and most who do it are, our mind is typically left with a feeling of unease but we don’t really know why. Looking at behavior they aren’t doing anything “wrong”. But there is a repetition and pattern that you can observe over time if you continue to stay aware and listening to those feelings.

Gaslighting is abuse. Period. It is also about control and having a sense of superiority and status.

I don’t tolerate gaslighting. At all. And because I have a finely tuned sensor I know when it’s happening. I still also always check in with myself to see if there is something about me in the situation or not. Most of the time there is not. And so I will either clearly state NO to the person or walk away (because another thing about gas lighters is that I really don’t know they realized what they are actually doing and would never own that they are attempting to gas light another).

This comes back to us not being required to like everyone and needing to be “be nice” or “polite” to everyone. And also, saying NO is NOT being impolite. Setting boundaries is NOT being rude. Not tolerating unacceptable behaviors, like gas lighting, doesn’t mean WE are the one with the problem.

So, yes, if someone irritates you, do stop and look within and take the time to see if this is an opportunity for you to grow. And maybe where the opportunity for you to grow is in setting and defending boundaries and learning when to walk away.

In rebellious solidarity.
xoox

If you’d like to explore gas lighting, boundaries and consent in a community of other women, I invite you to join Isabel Abbott and I for our six month circle, Body of Consent.  To learn more and register, click right here.

Posted on

Resilience & Boundaries

Last month we celebrated the birth of my husband. He got presents and we went out to lunch and we had cake. It was a good day, if exhausting, because toddler.

The night before his birthday, when we were talking about tomorrow being my husband’s birthday, our son (2.5 yo) starting talking about how he wanted presents too. We of course explained that no it’s daddy’s birthday and only daddy gets presents on his birthday. Our son was having none of this. He was pissed and he wanted presents.

When I was growing up, my maternal grandmother would make sure there were gifts for all three of us girls (myself, my sister and our mother) on all our birthdays. Usually the birthday person got two gifts and the other two got one. I’m not sure when this “tradition” started, but I have a feeling it began when I was around two and it was probably my mother’s birthday and I wanted presents and sweet jesus where were my presents and there was much screaming and raging from toddler me.

(I say this because my mother was an only child so it wasn’t a tradition from her childhood and my grandmother had nine or ten siblings and I am deeply doubtful that my great-grandmother make sure everyone had gifts on all the birthdays. Also, I was the only child of my parents for six years and the only grandchild on both sides for six years too. So, to say I got my way a LOT is probably a bit of an understatement.)

I related the story of everyone getting gifts when I was young to my son as I was changing his diaper that night. He, of course, thought this was a GREAT idea. And I did my best to explain to him why it wasn’t.

Because when it was *my* birthday, even though the cake was for me and I got two gifts instead of one, it didn’t really feel special. And my guess is this is probably true for my sister and was true for my mother too.

And because, it is important for those we love to feel special, at least one day of the year. That on one day of the year, the day is about them and what they want to to do. This is also still something I’m trying to teach our daughter as she tried to plan the entire day for my husband.

And the real truth is, for the first six years of my life, while also a lot of super shitty and traumatic things happened, I was also the center of the universe and really got almost anything I wanted when I wanted it.

This didn’t help me out very much when my younger sister was born. I had had zero preparation for not being the center of attention at all times. And honestly, this impacted our relationship for a very long time because suddenly I had to share and this was something I’d never really had to do before.

This is only one of the ways my family failed to teach me resilience. And it is a lesson that I am taking to heart for my own kids.

Because not matter how pissed my little guy was that my husband’s birthday is not about two year old him (and he declared several times that it was HIS birthday too and he needs presents too), he also needs to learn that not every moment of every day is about him. And he perhaps especially needs to learn this because he is a white male.

And the same is true for our daughter. She may want to do this or that to celebrate my husbands (or my) birthday, but the day isn’t about her. And if he (or I) don’t want to do what she thinks we should do, she needs to learn to be okay with that. I know that her planning is coming from a good place and I know that it is her way of giving, and still, the world will not end if a person says “no thank you.”

I feel like these are lessons a lot of us still need to learn: that it isn’t all about us and that we will survive if someone tells us “no thank you.” I’m still unraveling it all in myself, and there is nothing quite like being a 45-year old woman and feeling a temper tantrum coming on because I’m not getting my way. Thankfully, I have the frontal lobe connection and capacity to catch it and analyze it and learn from it. And it took a lot of work for me to get here.

All this to say, I believe we all (and I do include me in this) have a lot of work to do. And some of that work may show up as we teach our kids resilience. And some of it may show up as we fight for civil and reproductive rights and social justice. Because all of this is uncomfortable and challenging and even sometimes hard. And I believe we can do it and that we will make lots of mistakes along the way and we can learn from those mistakes if we allow ourselves to.

I’m stumbling right along side you. And I believe together we will figure it out.

xoox

If you’d like to be in circle with other women exploring the ideas and intersections of resilience and consent and boundaries, I invite to join Isabel Abbott and myself in our six month circle Body of Consent.  We will begin on March 1 and we’d love to have you join us.  You can learn more and register right here.

If you enjoyed this essay, I invite you to sign up for my weekly love letter that comes out each Saturday night.  You can subscribe to it right here.

Posted on

Power of community

The last few weeks have been interesting. An admitted sexual predator took the White House. We have seen blatant attempts at gaslighting by the White House press secretary. Hundreds of thousands of women ACROSS THE GLOBE on ALL seven continents marched for women’s rights. And then all the executive orders that have been flying at us, including a ban on refugees and immigrants from Muslim countries.  And during all of this I have been checking in with various feminist spaces, connecting and witnessing and observing.

I have witnessed both curious and beautiful discussion and learning as well as shaming and silencing.

I have watched people give advice or their opinions when it wasn’t asked for.

I have watched boundaries being crossed and consent being disregarded.

I have watched people clam up and/or get defensive and go on attack.

I have watched as some express their valid pain and rage and frustration.

And some of this has been online and some of it in person and some of it between adults and some of it with my children as they work out their own relationship of mutual respect and consent.

And where I’m landing in this moment, is we all have a lot of work to do.

And yes I mean the macro work of calling representatives and getting our hands and minds and bodies busy volunteering and doing the work of resisting and disrupting this new administration at every turn.

And I also mean we all, and I do mean WE ALL and I am most definitely including myself in this, have a lot of inner work still to do too.

We need to look at our own internalized misogyny.

We need to look at all our implicit biases.

We need to examine the ways each of us have silenced or shamed or gaslighted another, whether it was intentional or conscious or not.

We need to build our resilience.

We need to have a deep and clear and embodied understanding of consent and boundaries.

And we need to learn to sit in discomfort and know we’ll all live if we make a mistake or turn out to be in the wrong in some way.

We each have a lot of unlearning and relearning to do.

There are many, many ways to do this learning.

And I find one of the best ways to do this learning and unlearning is in community. With others who are also stumbling and finding their way in the unraveling and exploring and dismantling and dislodging.

In community where we can be witnessed and supported.

In community where we can be lovingly pushed outside our own comfort zones.

In community where we can make mistakes without risk of being shamed or ridiculed.

In community where we can connect with each other and see we are very much not alone.

I believe in the power of the community.  It is why most of my work is in the form of circles and groups.  There is magic that happens when people come together to dig deep, to find support, to be witness to others.  Something greater than the sum of each of the individuals  is born.  And it is amazing to be a part of and witness to.

I invite you to find your brave communities.  The ones where you will be both held and lovingly pushed.  The ones where you can sit in discomfort.  The ones where you can bear witness to the pain and struggles of others.  The ones where “negative emotions” aren’t dismissed or banned.  The ones where you can both be you just as you are and also learn to do and be different.

We all need these communities.  And sometimes our communities will stumble.  These are growing pains and we all come out of isolation and learn to be together again.  These are the growing pains of taking off our patriarchal leashes.  These are the growing pains of revolution and burning it down and building something new and different and better.

xoox

If you would like to join me in community, I have four circles that will be starting in March::

On March 1 Isabel Faith Abbott and I and others will gather together in circle to explore specifically the ideas of consent and boundaries. We will look at trauma and resilience. We will unravel stories and dislodge some of our conditioning of how we are “allowed” to be from our bodies and being. We will heal some of our wounds. And while I can’t tell you how this work will change you or how you will be different at the end of our six months together, I can tell you that shifting and unlearning and dismantling will happen – perhaps in big ways and perhaps in small.  You can learn more and register right here: http://gwynnraimondi.com/bodyofconsent

Also on March 1 a group of us will gather to explore our relationships with other women (including our mothers and grandmothers) and how our patriarchal wounding and conditioning has informed and affected these relationships.  We will be together for nine months, going deep, looking at intergenerational trauma, healing wounds, and connecting to our strengths.  You can learn more and request an application at http://gwynnraimondi.com/unleashingourself

On March 3 my six week in-person women’s circle workshop on self care will begin.  We’ll be learning and practicing how to soothe our nervous systems, embody our boundaries, and process and sit in uncomfortable emotions and sensations. It will be on Friday evenings from 7-9pm at Cunning Crow Apothecary in the Greenwood neighborhood of Seattle.  If you’d like to learn more and register go to: http://gwynnraimondi.com/rebellionselfcare

And on March  15th we will gather for my six month on-line women’s circle on self care for resistors, disruptors and fire breathers.  We will also be learning and practicing how to soothe our nervous systems, embody our boundaries, and process and sit in uncomfortable emotions and sensations. To learn more and register go to http://gwynnraimondi.com/selfcarerevolution

And of course if you would like to receive my weekly love letter, you can sign up for it right here http://gwynnraimondi.com/newsletter

 

Posted on

Consent, Boundaries, & Trauma :: Trauma

Trauma is a messy beast.  And not only do we have the trauma of our own lived experience swirling within our bodies, we also, in our very DNA, have the trauma of our ancestors.

None of this we asked for.  None of this we consented to. None of this we said yes to.  None of this we were ever given a choice about.

Regardless, it’s there, within us.

And it our choice, and I believe our sacred responsibility, to process, to heal, to dislodge it from our bodies and being.

I have my own experiences with trauma.  As a young child I was abused physically and sexually and psychologically.  In my teens and again in my 20s I was raped. I have been in physically abusive relationships.  I have been gaslighted by people who were supposed to love me, from parents and grandparents to partners to mentors I trusted.

Many of you have had similar yet unique experiences to mine.  Sadly, these experiences are not uncommon, they are not rare.  Sadly, these experiences are the norm.  The statistics tell us this. Our lived experience tells us this.

I share with you that I’ve had these experiences to also share with you that I have done my own share of trauma work.  And am still in the process of doing it.

At the beginning of every single appointment with my therapist I tell her that I don’t want to do this work.  I have told her over and over that I am tired of my trigger responses.  That I am sick of living with PTSD.  That I want all this shit to simply go away.  Because I am D.O.N.E.

Processing our trauma is difficult and uncomfortable and messy.  It is the complete opposite of fun or enjoyable.  It is something I personally had avoided doing most of my life. Because, seriously, who wants to do with this shit?  Certainly not me.

And.

As I have slowly, so slowly, and quickly, oh so quickly, come home to my own body, connected to her sensations and whispers and screams, listened to her stories and memories, I came to know that truly, I need to work through the fear and terror and avoidance and process through the things that were done to me, that I never once consented to, that I never once asked for, so that I can be present and available in my own life, with my children and husband and sister and friends and greater community and world.

That while I never once asked for any of these things that were done to me I have a responsibility to those I love, including myself, to find ways to process and heal.

And in this processing and healing, I connect even more fully to my consent; I connect even more fully to my boundaries; I connect even more fully to my body and her knowing and her sensations, pleasurable, painful and everything in between and beyond.

Even if you are one of the very fortunate (and rare) people who have never experienced trauma in your own life, my guess is that you still carry within you the markers of trauma passed down to you by your ancestors in your DNA.

Trauma is unavoidable in our culture and time.

And while unavoidable, we can process it and heal it and not pass it on to the next generations.

I talk even more about trauma and it’s relation to consent and boundaries in the video below.

This essay and video are part of my new series Consent, Boundaries, & Trauma.  There are three essays total and you can read the essay on consent (with the embedded video) here and the essay on boundaries (with its video) here.

These essays and video series are in part to share with you the topics we’ll be unearthing, examining, dislodging and embracing in the six month circle Body of Consent.  We begin on March 1 (the video says February, we changed the start date to March).  If you are interested, you can learn more and register right over here. xoxo

If you enjoyed this essay, I invite you to subscribe to my weekly love letter right over here.

Posted on

Not our fault, still our responsibility

We are told, particularly as young girls and then it just continues the rest of our life, to be kind. To be polite. To not argue. To take what we are given and be happy with it. To not be rude. To not be loud. To never, ever, be a bitch.

These messages find their way into our skin. Into our bones. Into our being.

And so we don’t learn how to say no. Ever.

And so we don’t learn what a healthy boundary is. And we learn when we put up our own boundaries it’s a Bad Thing and so we learn to criticize others for having boundaries.

And never learn about consent. Or choice. Or options.

Our never learning these things isn’t our fault. It is the fault of our culture. It is fault of the training of our parents and grandparents. It is the fault of unresolved trauma. It is the fault of patriarchy and misogyny and racism and ablism and homophobia and transphobia.

We never asked for the messages we were given. The messages we received. The messages we internalized.

AND.

Even though how all this lives within us is not our fault, I deeply believe it is absolutely our responsibility to disrupt these messages. To unravel them. To dislodge them from our muscle and sinew and blood and being.

It is not our fault, no. And still we are adults. And as adults we DO have the choice to explore how these messages live within us and to kick them the fuck out. The choice, and I believe absolutely, the responsibility.

And in this exploration and unraveling and disrupting and dislodging we will be uncomfortable. We will feel, physically, psychologically, spiritually, the dissonance of this shifting and rebelling and learning.

And learn we will.

And.

We truly cannot do this alone. In a vacuum. By ourselves.

We need community.

We need brave spaces.

We need to both be accepted where we are and pushed outside our comfort zones.

Because that is how change happens. This is how healing happens. This is how liberation happens.

xoxo

Isabel Faith Abbott and I have come together, locked arms and joined minds and hearts. For six months we will be facilitating, guiding, holding brave space. We will dig into the consent and all it means and doesn’t mean. We will explore what boundaries are and when ours matter more than someone else’s and when they don’t. We will offer tools and conversation and community.

We begin on February 1. And we would be honored if you joined us.

http://gwynnraimondi.com/bodyofconsent

If you enjoyed reading this essay, w00h00!  And I’d like to invite you to sign up for my weekly love letters.  You can do so right here.