Blog – Page 59

Nourishment

February 2, 2013 By gwynn

There’s been a lot of talk about support in my world lately. I have a big issue with the word support. Support to me, is about others helping you stay right where you are, not having someone who helps to grow, helps you change, helps you look deep inside of who you are and how you want to change.

Sometimes I need those pats on the back and those you-go-girls. Most of the time however, I need nourishing: I need people who will gently point out my role in the dance I’m frustrated with, who will gently, yet firmly, shift me from a place of blaming the other towards looking inside myself and how I have contributed to the relationship.

There’s a phrase, it takes two to tango. And it certainly does.

The thing is, we can’t control the other dancer. We can’t make the other take the steps we want him or her to take and we can’t make him or her dance a waltz if they are determined to dance a polka.

We can look at ourselves. We can determine how we want to enter the dance floor. We can breathe in our own truth and recognize the truth of another. We can enter the dance with an open heart, or not.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in blaming the other. It’s easy to see all the faults and mistakes of our dance partner. What’s hard stopping and looking deep within. Sometimes we need another person to help us with that.

My husband seems to have this all figured out. He knows when I need someone to simply love me, to give me space to cry and be sad and have a little temper tantrum about how life is not fair. And he has a special knack of reigning me in when I start to board the Blame Train. He does more than support me, he helps me grow. To paraphrase a line from a movie “He makes me want to be a better person”. And he helps me be that better person.

He nourishes me.

I have friends who do this too. Who gently point out when I’m being a wee bit crazy, when I’m totally off my center, when I’m looking outside for truth and not inside. These women are my sisters, one of them in blood and all of them in my Soul. They live in different parts of the world and my contact with them all varies. And yet I know they will always be there for me, to help me be the person I want to be.

These Sisters nourish me.

They will be there in times of crisis too. When it really is just about support, having someone to keep me safe, someone who can help me hold my life together. Times of crisis are not times for growth, they are truly times for support, times of being stable.

Every day life isn’t crisis. Everyday life is about growth and being that person you are deeply called to be. Are you surrounded by people who help you reflect and look deep inside yourself? Or are you surrounded by people who keep you stuck in patterns and behaviors and relationships that don’t nourish you?

I’m here to provide nourishment for you. Nourishment for your soul. Nourishment so you can grow and become the beautiful and amazing person you are called to be.

The last session of Centering in Community starts in just a couple days (February 5), and registration closes that same day. This is an amazing program that provides you with exercises to get back in your body and back to your center and reflection topics to look deep at who you are truly called to be. It’s pay-what-feels-good and go at your own pace. I would love to have you join our growing community.

Love and Repair

January 14, 2013 By gwynn

Love is a very special kind of emotional bond, the need for which is wired into our brain by millions of years of evolution.

– Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy

We’re social creatures, humans. We need to have another person in our lives who loves us, who will be there to support us, who has our back, no matter what. For children this other person would be a parent. For adults it would be our romantic partner or a sibling or very close friend. Having this other person is fundamental to our resilience in regard to stress and trauma. Having this other person allows us to be free to explore our world and express our true self.

As a child I didn’t have that kind of support or bond with my parents. Now that I’m an adult, I have that person. My husband is truly amazing. He is patient. He is supportive. He loves me, truly unconditionally. He’s not perfect, none of us are, however he is truly perfect for me.

I forget that sometimes.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in my old myths. You know, those stories a lot of us have about not being worthy of love; that we can’t trust another person to take care of us. Or sometimes I get so spun up that I can’t even see how much he loves me, because of all my old stories or my own panic mode is activated for some reason which leaves me terrified of being abandoned.

I have seen this panic in my daughter in the past. It usually came out when I was in my own panic mode and shutting down, going into my own self-preservation mode, leaving me unable to truly provide the connection that my daughter needs to feel safe.

I’ve become an expert at repair.

The key to repair isn’t about simply saying “I’m sorry”. True repair happens as we reach out and start to authentically connect with the Other. Those steps to connection – to strengthening the attachment bonds – are basically the same whether we are repairing with our child, with our spouse or partner or with a close friend or sibling. These steps can be challenging, because it requires me to step a bit out of my own myth and story to and actually see and hear the other person. Letting go of those old stories can be scary and yet, so very freeing and exhilarating.

The best part of stepping into deep connection repair is how it has opened my life to joy. How many more peaceful moments and loving days I get to have with my family. How my husband and I can always come back together after a separation and go straight into a deep connection without being stuck in old stories about ourselves, each other or our relationship.

I am deeply in-love with my life. I want you to be deeply in-love with your life too, to have authentic and connected relationships with those close to you. Because of my longing for you to have this sense of peace and joy, I have developed an on-line program, sharing these steps to repair and connection. Included in the program are daily emails as well as personal one-to-one email correspondence. Once the program has ended you will also have the opportunity to have either a telephone or skype session with me, as I truly want to know how you are doing and help you work through any place in the steps you may be stuck.

Today I release my program, Repairing in Relationship, to you. We will start on the traditional day of love, February 14 and work together for seven weeks exploring the steps to repair and reconnection. I’m looking forward to helping you and your family find your way to peace, love and joy.

Bridges

January 10, 2013 By gwynn

“Mama, there’s a big crack in the bridge!” my daughter exclaimed as we were driving this afternoon to the airport. I explained to her that the “crack” was there on purpose – to allow for the materials of the bridge to contract and expand in different weather.

I didn’t go on to explain that it’s there in case of earthquake and allowing the bridge to buckle a bit. She doesn’t need to worry about that just yet.

Bridges are interesting structures – they connect two spaces, making the distance between them traversable.

Bridges are all about Connection.

I’m leaving tonight for my week away from home. My week of in-person time for school where I spend from 9am to 6pm in seminars, workshops and classes. At the end of my days I am worn out and can barely think – completely physically and mentally exhausted. The first two to three days are fun – a little holiday from my full-time mama life, where I’m only in the company of adults and I get to discuss Deep and Important things.

Then Day Four arrives. I start to miss them. My husband. Our girl.

Day Five arrives and I’m questioning why I felt the need to pursue this degree, why I chose this program. Being away from my loved ones and my home, my space, my people, is almost unbearable. I fantasize about leaving the Conference early.

I endure the last two days on a sheer force of will. Knowing that if I want this degree from this program I need to stay the full week. I need to get through it, regardless of how mentally and physically exhausted I am, regardless of how much I miss my Little Family.

I always bridge this time away for my daughter. I leave a special shirt or give extra love to a special lovey for her, give her permission to play dress up in my dress up clothes. She gets a small present every morning I am gone, from me. Some game to play or jewelry or a new nightgown or something, just to let her know I love her, that I am thinking of her, always. I talk to her every night after dinner and she tells me all about her day. I stay on the phone with her until she decides the conversation is over, letting her get her fill of mama, to get her through to the next day.

In the past I haven’t bridged this time for myself. Last semester my daughter insisted I pack Millie, a pink stuffed cat that she got me for Mother’s Day last year. I was actually surprised how much that lovey helped me through the separation. Day 5 came and I wasn’t completely miserable. I was able to be reminded of my family and our love for each other, just by looking at Millie. Millie came with me to class a couple times. Everyone in my cohort has met and held Millie.

Separations from our loved ones can be hard. Many of us are good at keeping our children’s attachments safe, we are good at protecting them and keeping their emotional health in a good and resilient place. Often times we forget about our own emotional health. Many of us as children had our own emotions ignored, disregarded. As a result we in turn disregard our emotional needs.

Millie is with me today. She’s in my arm as I edit this in-flight. She’ll sleep with me and she’ll probably come with me to class at least a couple times. She’ll help me relax into the present moments and be able to absorb the knowledge and wisdom of my instructors and cohort.

She’s my bridge to my family. Keeping our distance apart traversable, even if it is only so in spirit.

A little pink stuffed cat is helping me heal. Helping me connect. Helping me learn to care for myself, to self-regulate.

Another gift from my daughter. Another lesson. Thank you, to my girl. Thank you, Millie.

Traditions

December 26, 2012 By gwynn

Growing up there are a few holiday traditions that I remember and hold dear to my heart: Christmas Eve with the Italian side of my family; eating Chex Mix; playing with the nativity set at my grandma’s.

The traditions of my childhood were set in place before my birth, growing in the childhoods of my parents. Now that I have a family of my own I want my daughter to have traditions that she will hold close to her own heart when she grows up and has a family of her own. I struggled the first couple holiday seasons of her life, trying to make everything happen: baking cookies, making Chex Mix, creating Christmas Eve and Christmas Day feasts that would feed an army. Inviting our chosen family to share our meals. Making sure all the decorations were just right. I focused on detail after detail trying to create perfect holidays filled with magic.

What I didn’t understand those first few years of my daughter’s life is that magic can’t be made by hyper-focusing on every detail. Magic happens when we let go of control and let it flow. Traditions are created over time – they are the beautiful things that occur every year because we want to do them, not out of obligation, rather, out of love and joy.

The last couple years I have been letting go of control and letting our holiday traditions manifest and grow. After years of creating the “perfect” Christmas Feast with friends, last year Nick requested we have a quiet Christmas Dinner, just the three of us. We compromised – Christmas Dinner just the three of us and a Boxing Day Feast with our friends. As fate would have it, we lost power at our house on Christmas Day and couldn’t cook at home. So, ala a Christmas Story, we went out to Chinese food. It was packed, and it took forever for the food to come. Still, it was fun and nice and something totally different from what we had done for years (including the years we were together before our daughter was born).

This year we asked our daughter what she wanted for Christmas Dinner. I had let go of controlling the Holiday Feast, having the same thing year in and year out. Our daughter said she wanted Chinese food. And so, we went to Chinese food again this year. It wasn’t as crowded as last year, we got our food in a timely manner. It was beautiful spending the time with my family, sharing our entrees, talking and laughing.

I don’t know if we’ll go to Chinese food next Christmas. I’m letting this tradition grow as it will. I’m opening our life to the possibilities that life has to offer, letting go of control and letting beauty and joy manifest into my life. It’s both freeing and scary, exhilarating and terrifying and I can’t wait to watch our family traditions grow over the year to come.

Beginnings

November 30, 2012 By gwynn

I’m sitting in my living room, tree lit, winter village up with twinkle lights all around it, candles glowing softly throughout the house. Music is playing quietly on the ipod and our daughter is at the family laptop typing up a letter to her Gram while my husband is upstairs working.

Our new Advent calendar is up on the wall. I made the calendar this year and each day has a special activity for us. Traditionally, since our daughter’s second Christmas season when she was a little over 18 months, I make a countdown chain and each night she gets to tear off a link of the chain to see how much closer to Christmas we are. I didn’t intend on doing that this year, thinking this new calendar tradition would replace the old countdown chain.

I never intended the countdown chain to be a tradition. I did it last minute that first year because the felt advent calendar kit I had purchased sat unmade in it’s box. The same happened the next year and the next. Last year we bought a Lego City advent calendar and did the chain too. (The felt calendar kit still sits in a box, in our closet, taunting me, daring me to make it.)

When I told our daughter that the experiential calendar I made was going to be our Advent calendar, that we wouldn’t have the countdown chain, she got so upset. She wanted the countdown chain. I hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that the chain IS a family tradition, whether it was my intention or not. While I was thinking it’s just some construction paper and glitter glue, my daughter is thinking this is family ritual, holiday tradition.

We made the countdown chain together this year. She helped cut the strips and helped me glue some of the chain links. After a lot of consideration, she decided she wanted it to hang across the bookcases that also holds our stockings and the winter village, where it traditionally lives.

While the countdown chain is an “old” tradition for our family, having our daughter help me make it is new this year. It marks the beginning of a new stage in our family, as she grows older and more independent. As she wields scissors and helps make decisions about where some of the holiday decorations should go we continue our quiet traditions with love and anticipation. We stay cozy in the old–decorating our tree on Thanksgiving Day, hanging our stockings from the JOY mantle hangers–as we bravely go into the unknown of a holiday without shopping, seeing the magic and abundance in the quiet moments instead of creating large moments filled with excess.

As our home transforms to welcome the holiday season and the countdown to days filled with more light begins, I also bravely embark on a new adventure. This new site marks the launch of my new business, the quiet beginning of acknowledging my special gifts and offering them to you.

I look forward to our journey together, through this beautiful holiday season and beyond. May we all find Joy, Connection and Light in the quiet–and not so quiet–moments this time of year brings.

joy connection light — Joy, Connection and Light

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