I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living. ~ Anais Nin
You torment yourself wondering
how they could not love your
and the answer is darling,
You are not the star
you thought you were.
You are the fucking universe.
and not everyone is an astronaut.
~wild moon woman
And you tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake… You can’t make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love. ~Unknown
Oh you gorgeous human, breathe.
You live in a world that hates you. That wants to mold you and reduce you and put you in a box of its own liking.
But you won’t let it.
You live in a world that wants you quiet, silent, agreeing with everything the status quo says is right.
But you speak out. You speak up. You use your voice. You have the audacity to disagree, sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly.
You live in a world that views you as a thing. An object. Something to be used and abused and consumed at someone else’s whim.
But you demand to be recognized as a human being. Who is not to be used or objectified or trifled with. An autonomous being of your own creation.
Oh you fabulous, effervescent human, breathe.
We live in a world that says we only have value if we are producing. Babies. Content. A beautiful home for our husband.
But we take time to slow down, to rest. We decide for ourselves if children are to be a part of our path or not. We demand that any spouse or partner take equal part in creating and maintaining a shared home.
We live in a world that tells us we are hysterical, that our rage and sadness and frustration are all invalid. That we want and expect too much of others, of the world. That we are unreasonable.
But we know that our rage and sadness and frustration stems from generations of oppression, of abuse, of murder. That all our feelings are valid. That expecting others to treat us with basic respect and dignity and kindness is a baseline. That we are beyond reasonable and are always looking for ways for everyone to get their needs met, but not at the cost of our own.
We live in a world that expects us to beg for scraps and when we receive them, even though they aren’t nearly enough to sustain us, we are supposed to be and act so fucking grateful.
But we know our worth, we know our value, and we know it is bullshit to accept scraps that aren’t nearly enough to nourish us, to sustain us.
You gorgeous, amazing human, breathe.
You are beautiful and amazing. You are strong and capable. You are brilliant and so fucking deserving of everything good and incredible.
You wake up every single morning and you fight. You fight by getting out of bed and making yourself (and or your kids) food. You fight by taking a shower. You fight by saying you are going to keep going, even if only for today.
You are gorgeous and awe inspiring. You are a force of nature. You are dazzling and so worthy of love and respect.
You do your work, every single fucking day. Your work in the world. Your inner work. You do all that you can, what you must, to stop the generations of abuse, neglect and trauma from being passed down through you.
You are exquisite and magnificent. You are uplifting and awesome. You are luminous and significant.
You bring light and hope to those who know you. You give love, so much fucking love, to those who are in your world. You matter to so many. The world would be a darker place without you in it.
Oh you stunning, sparkling human, breathe.
Thank you for all you bring into the world.
Thank you for doing your work, for stumbling and getting up and trying again the next day.
Thank you for wanting more, for wanting different, for wanting better, for yourself, for the world, for the generations to come.
Thank you for all you do in this world. Even if you feel like it isn’t enough. Even if you are so fucking beyond exhausted. Even if all you can do many days is simply keep breathing.
Remember that you are enough.
All you do is enough.
You don’t need to prove your worth.
You are already worthy.
You don’t need to prove your deserving.
You deserve all amazing things simply because you are alive.
Remember to give yourself credit for all you have done. For the person you are today. For the changes you have already made. For the work you have struggled through. For the darkness you have clawed your way out of.
Remember to give yourself credit for all that you are. For the love you give. For your willingness to grow and shift and change. For all those generations old patterns and cycles you have already broken.
Remember you are amazing. You are gorgeous. You are deserving and worthy.
Of course you still have work to do. Of course you still struggle with certain patterns and cycles. Of course you fuck up, on the daily.
You are human.
All of that does not make you less beautiful. It does not make you less luminous. It does not make you less deserving of love, respect, liberation.
Today remember all you are. You are made of star dust. Of raging fire. Of luscious earth. Of vast oceans. Of life giving air.
You are strong, even when you feel weak. You are loved, even when you feel you don’t deserve it. You are part of the web of humanity and the cosmos, even when you feel so very, very soul-crushingly lonely.
You are a fighter. You are a survivor. You are a warrior. Even if you don’t feel it most days. By simply continuing to exist you are these things. Be simply demanding to take in breath, you are these things. By doing all you do beyond this, you are these things.
And because of this, because you are wholly you. Unapologetically you. Unfailingly you, human, flawed, perfectly imperfect. Struggling, scared, anxious. Fucking up and still continuing to try and do different.
Because of this and so much more, I am so deeply grateful you are here.
In this world. To those who know you personally and intimately. And to me.
This essay was written and originally published in my weekly(ish) newsletter on March 8, 2020. It has been revised and edited for publication here. To receive my most recent essays you can subscribe here.
We will talk a bit about self-worth, deserving, and self compassion in the six month Trauma Informed Embodiment™ for Sexual Trauma Survivors (TIE™ STS) group that being on March 16. To learn more, click here.