On February 1, 2019 I wrote the following :: “I am getting to discover what I actually want. Who I am. The kind of person I want to be with. Not forever and happily every after. Because that illusion is shattered. Rather for now and we’ll see where the days take us. I want to be with someone who feels as cozy as the idea of home and who pushes me outside my comfort zones in ways I never imagined. And I want to be the same for them. I want someone who has a whole life and identity outside of me and us. And I want the same for me. I’m learning not to compromise these things.“
Then, on February 14, 2019 I wrote: “Want :: feel like home; feel safe, at ease; be silly; honest; easy; sweet; gentle; tender; trust; amazing sex; physical; cuddly; funny.”
On February 15, 2019 I met a truly amazing person and could check all these things off.
I believe there is power in stating what we want in our lives. Not in a “manifesting” kind of way, more in a getting really clear on what we want in our lives so that we can learn to not settle or compromise when we don’t need to.
I created a revised list of wants in August and have been editing it over the last couple months. I have been holding this list relatively close. When I started I was going to limit my number of wants to 48 (as I’m turning 48 today) and then realized putting limits on our wants is kinda going against the point. So these wants flowed. Some are about the type of intimate partner/relationship I want. Some are about the friends I want; how I want to be with my kids; how I want to be in life in general. All of them are morphing and shifting and changing. And some of my wants are likely missing because I haven’t been able to fully articulate them yet.
For the days leading up to my birthday, each day I posted a different image that lists some of these wants on my secret IG account. I did this for me, to help me get clear with myself. To explore the ideas of adult relationships and wanting and wounding and getting curious about how some of my wants may not necessarily be so great for me, and also some are.
To be clear I don’t want all these things from a single person. Rather, these are things I want in my life, somewhere, with someone. And sometimes that someone is me, myself and not someone outside of me.
Below is the list of wants, in its entirety. It is a love poem of sorts, to myself, to the world, and to you.
In rebellious solidarity and wanting, always. xoox grr
I want (a declaration)
I want passion. Red. Hot. Smoldering and bursts of flames.
I want deep belly laughs that won’t stop.
I want to write. About processing trauma. Poetry. A memoir. A love story.
I want touching. I want not being able to keep our hands off each other. I want personal space respected.
I want to paint. I want to freely express my Self. I want to move it out. I want to let it in.
I want snow magic and summer heat.
I want saltwater and salt air, rocks and sand.
I want narrow trails through dense, lush forests.
I want open, honest, consistent communication.
I want political compatibility with just enough difference to spark debates so deep we get turned on and can’t help but want to kiss each other ravenously.
I want out of body experiences. I want deep dives into our souls.
I want support. I want to be told to never doubt myself, to never sell myself short.
I want safeness and home and being pushed outside my comfort zone.
I want mystery and curiosity. I want well known and semi-predictable.
I want rainy days curled up in bed and sunny days stretching on the water.
I want the sweetness of protectiveness knowing they know I can take care of myself.
I want games of pool and smooth bourbon and pale ales. I want witty conversation and knowing looks.
I want to light up at the sight them as they light up at the sight of me.
I want good morning texts when I can’t have good morning kisses.
I want hand holding, our hands fitting each other’s perfectly.
I want to feel valued, understood, appreciated. I want to value, understand, and appreciate.
I want texting just because, without concern about bothering or boring each other.
I want forehead kisses and ass slaps.
I want rolling over in his sleep and wrapping his arms around me.
I want dinners in and dinners out. I want movies in bed and movies at the cinema. I want drinks at home and at the bar.
I want dog walks at twilight.
I want safeness and ease.
I want honesty and emotional intelligence.
I want sweet and tender, gentle and kind. I want softness as strength.
I want to trust and be trusted.
I want flowers for special occasions and just because.
I want to get lost in his eyes and while I’m there knowing how loved and wanted I am.
I want to feel accepted, in all my awkwardness and dorkiness.
I want to not always be in control or making all the decisions. I want equal effort.
I want to break cycles and patterns. I want to shift . I want to fill the black holes within myself so they can no longer devour me or anyone else.
I want snuggles and secret sharing and telling dumb jokes.
I want childish giggles and smirks and the thoughts that go with them.
I want to be alone together, each doing our own thing in the comfort of each other’s presence.
I want singing together in the car to my favorite bands.
I want road trips and adventures. I want quiet Sundays together at home.
I want to feel so overwhelmingly happy I have to sob.
I want dancing late at clubs with loud music and dancing slow in our living rooms in the middle of the day to no music at all.
I want sparks. I want electricity. I want fireworks.
I want quiet. I want peace. I want breath.
I want the Marvelverse and vampires and campy thrillers.
I want butterflies and giddy nervousness. I want ease and relaxation.
I want to tingle at the sound of his voice.
I want lots of amazing sex.
I want sunsets and moonrise and star gazing and warm fires under dark skies.
I want sunrise and burning fog and cool crisp air and seeing our breath.
I want freedom and space and closeness and intensity.
I want creativity and rawness.
I want growth. Mine. Theirs. Ours.
I want to be wholly seen and still be adored. I want to feel wanted, every part of me.
I want open, honest communication. I want shadows shared. I want to bask in each other’s sun.
I want to live life in the fullest ways I can. I want rest and naps and regeneration.
I want gentle and rough. I want smooth and scratchy.
I want unbreakable love and appropriate boundaries. I want clarity. I want emotional maturity.
I want to be held together when I feel I’m falling apart. I want to hold them together when they feel like they are falling apart.
I want separate lives. I want our lives to blend and grow together.
I want expansion and contraction. I want beyond the edge of the universe and cuddled close together on the couch.
I want playfulness and fun. I want seriousness and dedication.
I want to go out and stay in. I want to be social and have solitude.
I want connection beyond this realm, indescribable, outside of language and the deep knowing that goes with this.
I want to not take life so seriously, not take myself so seriously.
I want pleasure in every sense. I want financial stability and security.
I want the hard times that bring us together and help us grow.
I want open communication & expressing our needs and wants, without demands or expectations.
I want presence. I want being here now. I want self-awareness and doing our own work. I want repair when harm is unintentionally done. I want loving each other and our selves enough to encourage growth, change, and healing.
I want long term with no contracts or promises. Decades filled with single days waking up and choosing each other and ourselves over and over.
I want to feel more alive than I ever have before.
I want what I had. I want what I have. And I want more.
*I reserve the right to edit and revise as I want.*