Gwynn Raimondi, MA

On being an adult in relationship

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Our work, then, is not to abolish our connection to the past but to take it into account without being at its mercy.  The question is how much the past interferes with our chances at healthy relating and living in accord with our deepest needs, values, and wishes. ~David Richo, How To Be An Adult In Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

David Richo states in How To Be An Adult In Relationships, that in order to be an adult, we need to be self-aware and mindful in our actions. 

 In other words, self-awareness is vital on it’s own, but until it is coupled with mindful and intentional action (or inaction), we still aren’t fully acting in our frontal lobe, or “adult” brain.

Those of us who experienced chronic trauma in childhood have a lot to be angry about.  We have a lot to be sad about.  We have a lot to rage and scream and wail about.  I don’t believe anyone would deny that.  The atrocities that were done to too many of us as children are horrifying and all of it is held in our body and mind memory. 

The trauma doesn’t want to stay trapped within us however, it wants to get out.  This is great news if we are in therapy and doing a combination of talk and somatic therapies to help move that trauma on out of our systems and being.  It’s not so great news if we aren’t and so we try to stuff it down and eventually it bubbles up and out and we spew it all over an unsuspecting passer-by.

That passer-by could be our children, our intimate partner(s), our friends, other family members.  It could even be ourselves.

It is understandable that we have so much hurt and torment living within us.  I makes sense that it all needs to get out.  It is not okay for us to lash out at others.

Even when they cause us harm.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Even when  a person causes us harm, it is not acceptable for us to lash out and cause them harm.

The whole “two wrongs doesn’t make a right” thing.

Here’s a thing, though.  For most of us, I don’t think our “eruptions” or “lashing out” are intentional.  I know for me it mostly certainly isn’t mindful.  It comes from a primal place within that only cares about our survival. And so when we are already wounded, like any animal, if we get poked or prodded we go into fight/flight/freeze because we see any hurt as an attack and we need to protect and defend ourselves.

Rollo May wrote: “Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight. The capacity to create ourselves, based upon this freedom, is inseparable from consciousness or self-awareness.“

The work of self-awareness is to be able to grow that capacity to pause and allow space for us to mindfully choose the response we want to to actually have.

This is not to say there isn’t a part of us that wants our response to be screaming at the top of our lungs and stomping our feet.

It is to say however, that we need to take the moment to consider the longer term impacts of us screaming and stomping our feet.  And if the longer term impacts actually cause us and other (more) harm, then perhaps we could consider a different response.

Shifting from a space of automatic, mindless, response to one where there has been space created between being activated and actually responding, is no simple task.  We cannot undo the habit of a lifetime of automatic, mindless responding simply because we decide we want to do so.

It takes time.

AND.

It takes practice, a LOT of practice, learning to regulate our systems: calm our sympathetic nervous system, activate our parasympathetic nervous system, move the stored up cortisol out of our system.

It takes practice, a LOT of practice, connecting to our boundaries and coming into our bodies.  Learning to truly understand, on a very visceral level, where we end and another begins, physically, psychically, emotionally.

It takes practice, a LOT of practice, finding our ways to ground and our own center, being able to find our way to not only be in but stay in, the present moment, despite any and all the discomfort we may be feeling.

And after all of that, it takes practice, a LOT of practice, to break the patterns and cycles that we have become so accustomed to.  To actually not engage in an argument even though we may be being provoked, to walk away, to calm ourselves in the moment, to bite our tongues, to actually feel empathy for the person causing harm.

None of this comes easy.  Or at least, none of it has come easy to me.

Changing life long, if not generations old, patterns and cycles takes effort.  It requires compassion.  And we will all screw it up along the way, slipping back into old ways of being because that is what is known.  

And.

It can be done.  With practice.  

What is interesting about changing these patterns and cycles is that as we begin to do so on our end, the person(s) on the other side may try to up their game. When this happens it can be so tempting to engage.  Believe me, I know!  And, it is all the more important for us to continue practicing our own work, to continue growing that “pause”, to continue our own work of breaking harmful patterns and cycles.

Eventually those who try to engage us will change too.  Either they will simply go out of our lives because they aren’t getting the emotional charge from us anymore, or they too will begin to create space, to cultivate and grown that pause, to break their own patterns and cycles.

We can’t do any of that for them though.  We can only do our own work.  Even in those moments when, right then, we really just want to scream and stomp, and perhaps, especially in those moments.

In rebellious solidarity, always.

/../

This essay was originally written in May 2018 for my weekly newsletter and has been updated and edited for publication here. To receive my most recent essays, you can subscribe to my newsletter here.

The pursuit of pleasure while living with Complex Trauma

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Pleasure is the point. Feeling good is not frivolous, it is freedom.  ~Adrienne Maree Brown, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good

There is no way to repress pleasure and expect liberation, satisfaction, or joy.  ~Adrienne Maree Brown, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good

Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies. Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard. Angry people live in angry bodies. The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe. In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.  ~Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Living with complex trauma in our bodies is not an easy or fun experience.  Many of us dissociate from our bodies entirely, not feeling the various sensations that are part of every day life.  Some of us dissociate and live with chronic pain or anxiety (or both) and only are able to feel painful and uncomfortable sensations.  Living in a state of constant pain and anxiety, or not being present at all in our bodies, is a cage many of us have felt, or still do feel, trapped  in.  We can feel there is no escape from the discomfort and so will find even more ways to numb, to escape.

And those other ways of numbing may work for a while.  I’m all for pain relief.  I’m also fully aware that some pain is more about trapped trauma than anything else and no amount of medication is going to help in the short or long runs.

When our only experience with our body and its sensations is that of discomfort or pain or not feeling it at all, it’s challenging to imagine what pleasure is, what it could possibly feel like.

We also assume that pleasure should actually be pleasurable.  It’s a relatively reasonable expectation, right?  Except when we’ve lived a good portion of our lives outside our bodies, feeling any type of body sensation is strange and uncomfortable at first.  This includes pleasure.  

So, if pleasure initially is uncomfortable, why bother?  

Well, because with patience, intention, and practice, pleasure can become pleasurable – and a life without pleasure is not us living our best lives, it is not thriving, it is merely surviving.  

To feel pleasure we need to come back home into our bodies.  Or for some of us be in our bodies for essentially the first time in our lives.  And this means feeling all the sensations of our body – pain, anxiety, discomfort and pleasure, peace, and comfort.  We can’t experience one without the other.  We can’t pick and choose which sensations we are going to allow ourselves to feel and which we aren’t.  It’s an all or nothing type of deal.

And in order to really feel pleasure, peace, and comfort in our bodies, we need to first go through the initial discomfort of beginning to feel them.  This may seem like an oxymoron, and yet it is part of the process.  

Complex trauma impacts our whole body.  It impacts our nervous systems; our brain and the neuro pathways within it; our sensory receptors and how we notice sensations.  When trauma occurs at a young age it sets our minds and bodies on a course of constant survival.  Being aware of pain is an important part of our survival as a species.  

Feeling pleasure on the other hand, is not necessary for our survival as a species nor as individuals.

I would argue however that feeling pleasure is necessary for us to thrive in our lives, to find joy, to live and enjoy our lives to fullest.  I’m not only talking about sexual pleasure here.  I’m also talking about the pleasure of eating certain foods, of wearing certain fabrics, of being hugged by and hugging those we love, of appreciating art in its many forms, listening to and feeling music and how it lights us up.

Moving from a place of surviving, where many of us have lived most of our lives, to a place of thriving, a place that is wholly unknown and foreign, is a process in an of itself.  It is a part of our trauma processing work, in fact I believe it is the entire point of our trauma processing work. 

Of course it takes time, patience, intention, and most importantly practice.  

And as I have said many a time before, and will say many more times in the future, I believe all the work involved to move from surviving to thriving is totally worth it.

Learning and relearning to trust our Self

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The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.  ~Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.  ~Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

Within you is a fountain of wisdom. And you sell yourself short every time you allow some authority to define your limitations and cage your potential. Even if that authority lives in your head.  ~Vironika Tugaleva, The Art of Talking to Yourself

Sometimes there are things we know.  What our next steps are.  Decisions that need to be made.  Changes that need to happen.  We know, deep down in our bones and being.  

And yet.  We don’t listen.  Or we don’t want to listen.  

Because the change feels to big.  Because the process feels too painful.  Because there is a part of us that doesn’t want the change, wants things to go back to the way they were.  

Also because we were taught, from a very young age not to trust ourselves.  Not to trust our own inner knowing.  

So we look for ways out.

We look to signs from the Universe, the cards, the songs on the radio, the grocery store clerk.  We ask everyone under the sun what they would do.

We talk ourselves in circles trying to find any way we can to not do the thing we know we need to do.  

We do all this in an effort to avoid doing what we know we need to do. 
We don’t listen to our own inner truth.
We seek answers outside of us when they are screaming at us from within.

We do this to avoid pain, discomfort, the unknown.
We do this out of fear.

We do this to try and escape the grief that is welling up inside of us.
Or the hurt.
Or the anger.
Or the frustration.
Or all of the above.

Regardless of the whats or whys, we don’t listen to our Self.  We don’t listen to our Truth.  

We stop our own metamorphosis.
We keep ourselves stuck.
We hide.
We put on fronts and masks.
We try to pretend everything is fine as it is.

But everything is not fine.

And if there is one thing that is constant and inevitable in our lives it is change.
Sometimes that means trying harder, trying different.
Sometimes that means letting go, surrendering, allowing.
It always means going outside our own comfort zones.
It means doing what we know we need to do.
Even if we don’t know what is on the other side.
Even if we are terrified of the process.
Even if it breaks our hearts that things need to be the way they need to be.

Trusting ourselves, trusting our own knowing, is no easy task.  It is not something we learn to do, in fact it is something we were born with knowing and then it was taught out of us.  We were conditioned to trust others over our own Self.  We were told we don’t know what is best for us or our own lives.  We were trained to seek answers outside of us and to never look within.

But here’s a thing: we were born knowing how to trust our Self.  We were born with the knowledge of how to connect with our own innate wisdom.  We were born listening to our own needs, wants and truths, and never, ever questioning them.

We were born with a blind faith in ourselves.

I don’t know that we can, or should, get back to that blind faith.  I am a deep believer in curiosity, questioning, analyzing, and understanding.  I believe we should always check in with ourselves and see if there are shadow pieces, hidden motivations, unconscious agitators, to what we see as our truth, as our knowing.

And all of that requires deeper looking within.  Not outside.  Within.

And a willingness to actually trust ourselves.  And then to honor that trust and do what we know we need to do.

/../
This was originally written for my weekly newsletter in September 2018 and was edited and updated for publication here. To receive my most current essays you can subscribe here.

Legislation of sexuality & pleasure

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No woman can call herself free who does not control her own body. ~Margaret Sanger
No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor.
~Betty Friedan
A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.
~Marilyn Monroe
Pleasure is the point. Feeling good is not frivolous, it is freedom. ~Adrienne Maree Brown, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good

It has been an intense few weeks/months for people with a uterus here in the United States. Alabama and Missouri most recently passing abortion bans and Louisana about to sign theirs into law. Recently Georgia and Ohio also passed bans. In the past few years the following states have passed heavy restrictions on abortion: Arkansas (2013, vetoed by Governor), Iowa (2018), Kentucky (2019), Mississippi (2019), and North Dakota (2013).

There are lawsuits pending as to the legality of these laws in Arkansas (struck down in Federal court), Iowa (struck down by State court), North Dakota (struck down by Federal court), and Kentucky (temporarily blocked by Federal court).

Florida, Maryland, Minnesota, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia, have introduced bills to ban abortions.

Wyoming (2013) and Pennsylvania (2018) tried to introduce laws, however they died in committee. *

The attack on women and femmes is generations old. Having the right to our own bodies has been a battle since feudal times, at the least, and really since long before that in some parts of the world.

The attack on our bodily autonomy isn’t only about our rights to abortion. It is also our rights to our own sexuality, to pleasure, to our very humanity. 
The idea that women aren’t supposed to experience pleasure is perhaps older than the story of Eve. Our pleasure is a sin at worst, and unnecessary at best. We are taught this from such a young age. And it’s not just the pleasure of sex and sexuality that we are taught to avoid, it is any type of pleasure.

As women we are raised to be of service to others. To care for others. To work ourselves to the bone in order to please others. 

The idea of our own pleasure, of caring for ourselves, is not part of our upbringing. It is not part of our cultural training.

As women we are supposed to sacrifice. 
As women we are supposed to serve and care for others.
As women we are supposed to only ever think of others.
As women we aren’t allowed to have emotions beyond happiness. And if we have them, we are certainly not supposed to express them.

Rage doesn’t become us.
Anger doesn’t become us.
Grief doesn’t become us.

We are not supposed to be human. We are not supposed to explore the whole of our humanity. We are not supposed to know what it means to rest. To feel good in our own skin. To experience pleasure, on any level.

To take back our bodies, our lives, as our own, is an act of rebellion in our current culture. To speak up and out defending our own boundaries. Learning to come home into our bodies. Allowing ourselves to rest. Experiencing pleasure on any level, from cozy sheets, to art on our walls that makes us smile, to eating foods we enjoy, and yes, to sexual satisfaction and gratification. 

Because as they try to take our reproductive rights, we can fight back. 

Yes, in the public and political realm. That is absolutely necessary.

But also in the privacy of our own intimate lives. 

By taking naps.
By saying no.
By creating from our souls in the ways that feel good to us.
By learning to tolerate and then enjoy our own sexuality.

The personal is political and the political is personal. It is vital, I believe, that we create change not only in the outer world, but also in our inner worlds. In fact I would argue that in order for there to be lasting change in our outer world, in our culture, we each need to be doing the work of unraveling the ways we have internalized our indoctrination of shame and repression of pleasure, of taking full ownership over our own bodies and lives. 

This internal investigation is not a linear nor easy path, and there will be layers and layers to explore. Finding all the ways that we have had our bodies controlled, taken from us, from young ages; all the ways we have been shamed into believing life is not for us to enjoy for ourselves, but to only provide service for others; all the ways we continue to oppress ourselves, allowing culture to maintain its stronghold on our lives…. this all takes time, patience, curiosity, and self compassion.

Learning to savor life, to enjoy the small and big pleasures that are part of being human, is an important part of our individual and collective evolution. 

It is also an act of defiance, of rebellion.

Reclaiming our bodies as our own, reclaiming pleasure as a birthright, is another way we can fight back against this current onslaught of the basic human rights of people who are born with a uterus. While we fight for our basic rights and freedoms in the political realm, remember to continue to fight for the same rights within your own home and your own mind and body. 

The political is personal. The social is individual. Breaking ourselves from the leashes our oppressive, authoritarian culture is how we become free, how we reclaim our bodies, our very lives.

It is true that the abortions bans are about our reproductive rights, and it is also true that they are about so much more than that. They are about our very humanity. 

It is time for each of us to rise up, to reclaim our bodies, our voices, our very lives. 

* Information regarding abortions bans found on Wikipedia. 

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Embodied Writing :: Pleasure Edition will begin in a little under three weeks. In it we will spend seven weeks exploring different aspects of pleasure, our internalized narratives about pleasure, and learning to reclaim pleasure as a part of our lives through stream of conscious writing and embodiment practices. To learn more click here. 

Learning to tolerate pleasure

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A revolution is the solution. 
Sex is not the enemy.
~Garbage, Sex is not the enemy

If you want to break through to the multi-orgasmic level, you have to be willing to kind of push through something that feels like discomfort the first few times.
~adrienne maree brown, Pleasure Activism

A couple weeks ago I wrote you about learning to tolerate enjoyable emotions as well as uncomfortable ones.  Today I want to hone in on the feelings – emotions and sensations – of pleasure and how it does take work to learn to enjoy them. 

A little over a week ago I wrote this on IG:

For the last couple years I’ve been unraveling, exploring, and reclaiming the idea, emotions, and sensations of pleasure.  This started with my own personal therapy, coming into my body, learning to tolerate all the different feelings that swirl within and throughout me.
It hasn’t all been about sex, though that’s been a part of it most definitely.  It’s also been about resting (and taking naps) when I not only need it, but also when I simply want it.  It has been about reading and writing.  It’s been about watching shows and movies I enjoy.  It’s been about being in environments that are calming and soothing or if my mood wants it energizing.  It’s been about being around people who feed me: emotionally, intellectually, physically. It’s been about allowing myself to experience, on a deep and visceral level, happiness.
There have actually been times that I have been so overwhelmed with happiness that I cried, sobbed. Learning to regulate “positive” emotions is just as intense as learning to regulate the generally less desirable ones.  We can use the same tools, and it also takes practice either way.
We aren’t taught how to tolerate pleasure, let alone enjoy it, anymore than we are taught to tolerate grief, anxiety,  or anger.  It is something we need to choose to learn.  And learning to tolerate pleasure is as uncomfortable initially as learning to tolerate grief or sadness.
When I started this journey of coming home to my body over a decade ago I never imagined I’d come to a place of enjoying some of the sensations and emotions this life as a human has to offer.  I just wanted to be a better mom and not yell as much. Now, while I still continue my work in part so I can be the mom I never had for my kids, it is at least equally if not more true I am doing this now for me, so I can thrive in my life and truly enjoy it.
I share this all to say, it doesn’t matter why we enter into this work.  And we never know where it will lead us. What is important, I believe, is simply that we enter into it.

Pleasure isn’t only about sex and sexuality.  Pleasure is also about joy.  Pleasure is also about love.  Pleasure is also about contentment, happiness, satisfaction.  Pleasure is about feeling good in our own skin, in our work, in our relationships, in the world and in our lives. Pleasure is about feeling alive.

Part of our cultural conditioning and socialization is the demonizing of pleasure or those who seek and enjoy pleasure.  In Christianity the Seven Deadly Sins are almost entirely about pleasure; specifically::

  • sloth (resting, going slow, enjoying the moment)
  • greed (wanting to be satiated, satisfied)
  • lust (sexual pleasure)
  • gluttony (satiating oneself, taking in until we feel ful(filled))
  • pride (feeling good in your own skin, feeling good about your accomplishments)

The other two, wrath and envy, can also be about pleasure, in that they show up when we chronically deny ourselves pleasure.

For those of us with complex trauma, any type of body sensation – even ones that are “normally” pleasurable – can feel uncomfortable, even gross or “icky”.  Living outside our bodies is a matter of survival, and so feeling any type of sensation or emotion, be it painful or pleasurable, can overwhelm our systems. 

Just as we need to learn to tolerate uncomfortable sensations and emotions in order to recalibrate our nervous system and fight/flight response, we also need to learn how to tolerate and enjoy pleasurable sensations so we can not just survive, but also thrive in our lives.

Another aspect of all this is allowing ourselves to slow down and enjoy our lives.  We live in a culture that is all about busy-ness, that does not celebrate the slowing down, the doing nothing.  If we aren’t accomplishing something, if we aren’t producing something, we are taught we then have little to no value or worth.  

Many of us also have a need to “prove” our value and worth, due to the abuse and or neglect we experienced as children.  We do this by hyper-performing; being the best at All The Things, and if we aren’t The Best then the thing isn’t worth doing.  We constantly strive for approval and validation from others, be they “superiors” or peers, and in this striving we also do not allow ourselves rest or enjoy who and where we are now.

So not only are we not able to enjoy pleasure because we are unable to tolerate sensations  in our body, we also have a generations old narrative about how pleasure is bad and if we partake in pleasurable experiences then we are also bad.

As we come into our bodies we can also begin to unravel these narratives and do a bit of rewiring in our brains.  It is true that I strongly believe in the importance of body-centered trauma work; and it is also true that in tandem we need to use cognitive and verbal ways to reinforce new messaging.  

I often encourage my clients to argue with themselves.  When they have a “negative” or harmful thought about themselves to fight back and remind themselves that no, that is not true and this helpful statement IS true.  Then after a minute or two of the back and forth to move onto something else – be it a nervous system exercise to focus on or any other task to disrupt that thought that is causing us harm.

We can do this with any of the non-helpful narratives we have within our psyches, including those around pleasure.  Yes, we need to also be learning how to tolerate the physicality of the emotions and sensations that go with these narratives; and we also need to grow some new neuropathways, and the only way to do that is through our actual thought process.  

I am learning the importance of pleasure in my own life, for myself and for those who matter most to me.  The importance of doing what feels good to us, be that the food we eat or the clothes we wear or the ways we move our bodies or explore our creativity or yes, experience our sexuality.  It is a shift from just getting through each day to actually enjoying my days – perhaps not every single moment because life, but enjoying more and more moments nonetheless.  It is the difference between surviving and thriving.

I highly recommend we all find our ways to thriving and including more pleasure in our lives, whatever that may look like for each of individually. It is a process, it takes time and practice and patience, and I so deeply believe it is worth it.

This was originally written for my weekly newsletter 5, May 2019. It has been edited for publication here.

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