Gwynn Raimondi, MA

Dysregulation, compassion, & finding equilibrium

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When you have a persistent sense of heartbreak and gutwrench, the physical sensations become intolerable and we will do anything to make those feelings disappear. And that is really the origin of what happens in human pathology. People take drugs to make it disappear, and they cut themselves to make it disappear, and they starve themselves to make it disappear, and they have sex with anyone who comes along to make it disappear and once you have these horrible sensations in your body, you’ll do anything to make it go away.
~Bessel A. van der Kolk

The only consistent thing about living as a human being is that change is inevitable.

Sometimes the changes that come our way are out of our control.  

Sometimes the changes that come our way we do not consent to.

Sometimes the changes that come our way stem from our own choices.

Sometimes the changes that come our way are our own choice, and still we may wish they didn’t happen.

Life is complex and rarely stagnant.

When big changes come our way, they can throw us off kilter.  Our systems may become dysregulated. Our old traumas may be triggered.  The change itself could be traumatic in its own way. This can happen even when a change is of our own conscious choosing.  

I have witnessed that basic human response to change, sometimes even to changes of our own choosing, is to fight like hell to return to the status quo – the way things were before the change.  This fight is almost always a losing battle.

The dysregulation our systems experience when change happens is inevitable.  Systems theory confirms that when a change happens within a system, the parts of the system will do all they can to find equilibrium again.  Sometimes we call this “finding our new normal” when it comes to the changes that come into our lives.  Until we find this equilibrium however, our systems, including our nervous systems, will be agitated. 

Change happens.  Dysregulation happens.  It is how we move through the changes, how we find our ways back to equilibrium, or our new normals, that matters.  How we do this is up to us and frankly is unique to each person and each situation.

And.

What I would love all of us to remember, including myself, is to have some compassion for the dysregulation that is an inevitable part of being human.  To have compassion for ourselves as we find our ways to the new normal of each new change in our lives.  To have some compassion for trying things and feeling like failing and trying different things until we are able to figure out what works for us. 

This is true even when the changes we experience are of our own choosing, are welcome, perhaps even wanted. It will still take time for us to find our feet again, to find that “new normal,” to get back to our equilibrium. 

Reminding ourselves that we are trying to find our way back to a “steady state” as we shift through a major or even minor life change is important, and is part of where our self-compassion comes in.  Giving ourselves the grace of knowing we are doing the best we can with the resources we have.  Slowing down to allow ourselves to feel the myriad of emotions that may be coming forward, some possibly expected and some probably not.  

We are all complex beings, and our life experiences are complex.  Sometimes change is welcome, and even in this welcoming for a short period the change will cause some amount of chaos and dysregulation.  Remember to be gentle with you.  Remember to give yourself time and space to breathe and feel all the feelings you are having.  Remember to be patient with yourself.  And most importantly remember to have compassion for yourself as you stumble along finding your ways to your own new normal. 

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This was originally written for my weekly(ish) newsletter on July 15, 2018. It has been revised and edited for publication here. To receive my most recent essays you can subscribe here.

On insecure anxious preoccupied attachment

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An anxious-preoccupied attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a negative view of self and a positive view of others.

People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like”, and “I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.” People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their attachment figure. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on the attachment figure. Compared with securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They may feel a sense of anxiousness that only recedes when in contact with the attachment figure. They often doubt their worth as a person and blame themselves for the attachment figure’s lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, emotional dysregulation, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships. ~Wikipedia, August 2019

The anxious attachment style is one I developed due to my particular traumatic childhood experiences. Of all the attachment styles it is the one I am most personally familiar with and have spent years working to unraveling and shifting myself more to a secure attachment style. With that said, this style still pokes its head up and is something I need to intentionally redirect.

Some of the ways this style shows up in our lives:

  • Trying to prove to another why we are worthy of their love
  • In school, always needing and striving to be “teacher’s pet”
  • Chasing after people, even as they pull further and further away. In fact the more they pulled away, the more we chase
  • Bottling up our emotions and feelings about hurtful behavior from another until we couldn’t any more and would explode. (These explosions can look like screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, breaking things, hitting our own body until we bruise, among other not so helpful behaviors)
  • Beating our self up emotionally and psychologically with the stories of how unlovable and unwantable we are
  • Jumping from one intimate relationship to another without taking time to grieve the relationship that was ending/had just ended
  • Constantly seeking external approval; being “charming” so we could get it
  • Enmeshed relationships, with both sexual partners and friends
  • Completely breaking down at the slightest hint of criticism
  • A push-pull game where we would withdraw, waiting for a person to “chase” us, and if they didn’t, upping the ante in one way or another, chasing them for a bit and then withdrawing again to have the other chase us.
  • Picking fights to just get some reaction/attention from a person

I could probably go on for another few pages with all the ways this attachment style can show up in our lives, I know it so well. Most of the above behaviors I have been able to move past and no longer do. And in recent months I’ve seen my this insecure style show up in my life in some of the following ways:

  • Constantly checking my phone for text messages from particular people. Becoming increasingly stressed and anxious the more time passes before receiving a response
  • Seeking external validation via dating apps
  • Penduluming between the stories of how unlovable I am and the deep knowing that I am lovable and okay.

Those last two behaviors, in truth, have felt more like habits. I wasn’t so much driven to those behaviors and patterns as much as it was I couldn’t really think of what else to do to attempt to soothe the wounds that had once again been exposed. Which is often how shifting happens – we have a behavior, we do the work to change it, and at some point, we are still doing the behavior, but it doesn’t feel that same. That is the point when we can actually stop the behavior, when it truly is a habit and not a compulsive or unconscious action.

It is safe to say that all insecurely (avoidant and anxious) attached people have experienced abuse and or neglect when we were children. What seems to really be the key to the insecure attachment styles is more the neglect than the abuse. 

This may seem odd to some, that “simply” being neglected would cause more long term harm than being physically or sexually abused. And here’s a thing, for those of us who experienced chronic physical and or sexual abuse, there was also neglect. Always. Because the abuse was able to occur, over and over again, it is because people were not paying attention to us, were not seeing the signs of our abuse, were not stopping the abuse from happening.

It is the neglect that I believe in the end causes the most harm in regard to the ways our neural pathways develop. The overt or subtle messages that we aren’t worth paying attention to, that we don’t matter, that our pain isn’t relevant… that is what creates the pathways that grow deeper and deeper, until, long after the abuse has ended, long after we have outgrown the need to be physically and emotionally cared for by our primary caregivers, we still have thoughts and feelings that we don’t matter, that we are a bother, that we are too “needy” or want “too much”.

Anxious preoccupied attachment feels like we are constantly reaching and grasping. That is the sensation within our bodies. It shows up in our behaviors in a variety of ways, some of which I listed above.

The good news is that we can re-wire our brains and shift our attachment styles. I posted recently how, apparently, I have a mostly secure attachment style now. This was so shocking to me, because I have gone through a period of feeling that reaching and grasping, the anxiety that comes with the sense of abandonment pretty recently. I still felt anxiously attached.

The key was, and is, though that I was doing my best to not act anxiously attached. That I could slow down, get my logic brain engaged, consider all the circumstances of the situation, and then, usually, act and respond to the situations appropriately. Was I able to do that every time? No. No, I was not. Because I am human, and learning, and the whole not acting out of my trauma and raw emotions is a relatively new concept for me. And. I can say, that I was able to slow down more times than I not was able to.

I couldn’t have said this a year ago. Definitely not two years ago. Absolutely not three or more years ago. Though I could say that two years ago I was a bit better than three years ago, last year I was better at slowing down than the year before. Practice, patience, intention, self-compassion. Those have been the four pillars of getting me to this place.

I don’t believe I will ever be “perfect” at not reacting from my anxious attachment style. I am not striving for “perfection”. This is a life long journey. There will be good days and not so good ones. There will be circumstances that allow me to slow down immediately and others that will require a lot of intention and awareness on my part to slow down my reactions.

This is true for all of us. I don’t believe I will, or anyone will, become 100% securely attached one day. The traumas I experienced impacted me too deeply for one. For another, life happens, more traumas are sure to come my way, my very old wounding will be poked at and opened up and I will find another layer to process, to grow from.

I believe this to be true of all of us. Layers upon layers. Exploring, expanding, shifting.

/../

This essay was originally published to my weekly newsletter on August 4, 2019 and edited for publication here. If you would like to read my most recent essays, you can subscribe to my newsletter here.

High maintenance, low drama, and other code words

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She’s not high maintenance, you’re just low effort. ~Unknown

“High maintenance” is a great way to make a woman who puts tons of effort into her own life sound like a burden on a man. ~Unknown

Having standards doesn’t make you high maintenance. It makes you a bitch who knows what the fuck she wants. ~Unknown 

I’ve in and out of the online dating world since last fall.

Something I’ve noticed on many CIS/hetero male profiles are the phrases “No high maintenance” or “no/low drama“. These are code words for “I want a woman who I can walk all over and won’t state her needs or wants or, if she does, she won’t demand or fight for them.” These are code words for “I don’t want to have to deal the consequences of me being a jerk or selfish or inconsiderate of another human being I’m being intimate with“. These are code words for “I’m the only one who actually matters, who is actually fully human, in this relationship.“

I don’t think (most) men think these things consciously. They have been trained in this culture just like we all have. We have all been trained that women are meant to be accommodating, submissive, quiet. We have all been trained that when a woman is angry or frustrated then she is being hysterical and unreasonable. We have all been trained that when a woman states her needs or wants that she is being demanding and just too much.

And as a dear friend says “Priviledge. It’s a hell of a drug.“

This past week I read an article in the Paris Review titled The Crane Wife. It is a written by a woman telling the story of her breaking off her engagement and cancelling her wedding, the reasons why, and the ways she sold herself out in the name of not being a “burden” or a “bother” or too demanding.

I related to this article as if I could have written it myself. I look back on the twenty years I was with my ex and see all the ways I was “accommodating” and all the ways I “compromised” which translates to mean all the ways I didn’t ask for nor demand some of my own basic needs and wants. The ways I convinced myself those things weren’t important, that I didn’t need them, that I was expecting too much and being… unreasonable. I look back and see all the ways I gave my Self up, piece by piece, in the name of love, in the name of not being too much, in the name of not wanting to rock the boat and cause conflict.

I would love to be able to say that this behavior was all in the past. That I learned from the disintegration of my marriage how to not give up pieces of me, to stand up for myself, to honor my own wants and needs. 

I’d love to be able to say that.

But I’ve realized over this past few weeks, that I can’t. The pattern is still there, it’s just a different layer now.

I noticed over the last couple months how I was falling into this same pattern again with the person I’m currently dating. It looks different this time, of course. With my ex I wouldn’t state my needs or wants until I was completely overwhelmed and triggered, which always lead to a huge fight. I would bottle and suppress and try to convince myself things didn’t matter when they did, and there always came a point when I couldn’t hold it in anymore and would basically explode.

That hasn’t happened with the person I’m currently dating. And to that I say thank the gods and goddesses for therapy and growth. What has happened however, is that my own insecure anxious attachment has been triggered, more than once. Each time I have taken a step back, analyzed the situation, and then decided if it made sense for me to say something or not.

Good so far, right?

The problem became apparent when I constantly and consistently decided that it was all on me. That is was just my anxious attachment, my childhood trauma, the wounding from the betrayal of my ex. For a long time I didn’t say anything to the person I’m dating. I didn’t mention how much certain behaviors were hurting me.

And that wasn’t fair to him, just as it wasn’t fair to me.

Over the last couple months I have begun to speak up. I have begun to say how certain behaviors were hurting me, I’ve asked that he tell me before he’s going to do certain things. I’ve stated my needs and wants. 

I haven’t demanded he change. I haven’t told him he’s a horrible person or blamed him for my wounding. 

I have told him clearly what my needs and wants are.

There, with all relationships, of course, needs to be some compromise. There needs to be understanding of circumstances. There needs to acceptance that sometimes we just don’t have enough spoons to be the person our partners or friends or family may want or need us to be and sometimes they don’t have enough spoons either. This is life. 

And.

It is also true that we cannot be the only one being “understanding” or making concessions. Just as we know those close to us have their own struggles, they too need to understand we have ours. This doesn’t mean anyone accepts abuse. It does mean we all recognize that we all can’t be our Very Best Selves 24/7. And if we can look at the whole and see how the hurtful or stressful behaviors are the exception and not the rule, then that is when it makes sense for us to compromise. But again, only when we can look at the whole and see those behaviors as the exception.

We also need to look at our own patterns and determine if we have expressed our needs in a way and at a time that they can be heard and acknowledged. I found myself in a variation of my old pattern of not speaking up, and this wasn’t fair to the person I’m dating. It also wouldn’t have been fair to yell at them or tell them they were a bad person for doing the things that were triggering (because they are not a bad person, they are actually a pretty great person!). What was fair and appropriate was realizing my pattern, and then stating my needs and why I need them. Not demanding. No threatening. Asking if he could do what I needed.

This is all a bit of a challenge. We get to own our own wants and needs. We get to express them. That doesn’t make us “high maintenance” or “high drama”. It makes us humans who have a right to having our needs and wants honored, by ourselves and others. 

It means that we are human and do not have to sell ourselves short or shrink ourselves or give away pieces of our Self so that we aren’t a bother or a burden. 

It means that we have as much right and deserving to be respected, heard, and regarded as any other person. 

It also means we need to do the same for those in our lives. To hear their asks and decide if it’s something we can do. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. That’s true both ways. And when those we care about can’t meet our needs and wants, we need to then decide what our own next courses of action are; be that getting some of those needs met by friends or family or ourselves or if we need to examine the relationship as a whole and decide how we want to go from there.

Another person not meeting a specific need or want at a specific time doesn’t need to be a deal breaker. A consistent pattern of a person not meeting our needs or wants perhaps should be. When looking at the pattern, consider the circumstances, the context. If there are legitimate reasons for a behavior, not that it makes the behavior okay, but to understand it more. When we are able to learn to do this for others we can also learn to do this for ourselves.

We are all human. We all make mistakes. 

And.

For each of us, it is important to be able to state our needs and wants, to not shrink ourselves or give away pieces of who we are. To not try mold ourselves into someone we aren’t. Rather, we need to be our whole selves, the messy, the not messy, and the complex, both with ourselves and with those we are in relationship with.

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This essay was originally published in my newsletter on July 29, 2019 and has been edited for publication here. If you’d like to read my most recent essays and learn about my current offerings, you can subscribe to my weekly(ish) newsletter here.

Allowing space & managing anxiety

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The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~Carl Gustav Jung

I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together. ~Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil

We all deal with stress and our emotions differently. Some of us need to hide away and process in solitude, others of us need to talk things out (and then talk them out some more), some of us need to write things out to get clear, and many, but not all of us, need some combination of these.

When we are in relationship, be that friendships or sexually intimate relationships, we tend to want the other person to process things in the same ways we do. It can be confusing in the least, and jarring and anxiety provoking towards the other end of the spectrum, when they don’t. 

So what do we do, when in relationship, our own anxiety (and therefore attachment needs, sense of worth, etc) is activated because a person we care about is managing their own stress and emotions in a way that is not our way, or not in a way we are familiar with?

Well, if you are like me, we initially freak the fuck out. 🙂

This especially can show up when one person in the relationship has a more anxious attachment style and the other person in the relationship has a more avoidant attachment style. But it doesn’t have to be about attachment styles. It can also be about personality types.

Introverts tend to need solitude to process. Extroverts tend to need their village to process. 

Of course these are all general statements. Each of us are unique individuals, with unique histories and ways of doing things. Yes, there is overlap, yes many of us experience similar things; and we are also all still unique.

This includes our ways of dealing with stress and highly emotional situations.

When we see our loved ones are in pain of some sort, be that stress or emotional distress, our initial instinct tends to be to fix it, to make them feel better, to do whatever we can to make the hurting stop.

On the surface this is about our love of the other person and not wanting them to be in distress.

However, if we go a little deeper, this manic need to stop the other person from feeling bad is more about our own inability to tolerate difficult or painful emotions. So, when another is in distress, it raises our own uncomfortable feelings of anxiety and so in order for us to feel better, we need to make the other person stop feeling bad. Now. If not sooner.

But others get to feel their feelings and process them in the ways that work for them just as we also get to feel our feelings and process them in the ways that work for us.

So what do we do with that anxiety, with those uncomfortable feelings of seeing someone we care about in pain? How do we manage our own discomfort without trying to force the other person to change?

Well if I had an easy five step program for this I bet I could make my millions and retire in the next few years.

A truth is, there is no easy way to learn how to manage our own feelings of anxiety and discomfort. It takes time, it takes actually sitting in our own discomfort and learning how to tolerate it, first in tiny bits, and with practice more and more.

Coming into our bodies is part of this process. Learning to feel all the sensations that our bodies express when anxious can give us the clues we need to signal that we need to regulate our own systems in that moment, to take a moment, to slow down and breathe. To bring our frontal lobe online and not allow our limbic system hijack things and put us in instinctual reactionary mode. To allow ourselves to consciously and intentionally think through what is happening in our bodies and why it is happening.

I know for me, my immediate response to situations where another person is processing in their own ways that are anxiety provoking for me is to flee. To walk away. To shut down. And then I jump into fight mode. And then I go on a pendulum ride back and forth between wanting to bolt and run far, far, away and wanting to pick a huge fight just to get the other person present with me, regardless how that “presence” shows up. I want to take action. I want to either fix it or completely break it.

At least that is my immediate, primal, wounded response.

Thankfully, over the last few years I have been learning to slow down. To breathe. To check-in with myself and my own defense mechanisms and how to self-regulate and self-correct so that I don’t turn an already stressful time for the other person into an even more stressful time by freaking the fuck out all over them.

Am I perfect at this? Hell no. It is a practice and it is ever evolving. And I can see the progress from where I was five years ago, one year ago, six months ago.

Remembering that those we love have their own ways of doing things, and that as long as they aren’t causing physical harm to anyone or lashing out and causing emotional or psychological harm to anyone, then they get to just do things in the ways that work for them, regardless of what it may or may not trigger within us.

Our work is in managing our own anxiety in these situations. Of course we can let the other person know we are there if they need/want our support (assuming we can actually hold the space for their own pain and not have that activating us to the point of trying to fix things). Of course we can check in every few hours or days or whatever is appropriate and simply say “thinking of you” or “I know things are rough right now, just want you to know you are on my mind/I’m here/etc”. 

And in those in-between spaces of our reaching out and them responding in some way (and remember silence is actually a response), we need to find the ways that work for us to manage our own stress and anxiety around our loved one’s discomfort and what it has brought up for us.

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This essay was originally published in my newsletter on June 16, 2019 and edited for publication here. If you’d like to receive my weekly(ish) newsletter with my most current essays and offerings, you can do so here.