Reclamation

Dance till you ache and drop, laugh till you cry. Sing till your lungs burst, and journey till the very road ends and dream by the moonless starless nights. Sleep with a secret smile on your lips, your body flush with the imprints of lips. Come alive, my dearest …reclaim yourself from the living dead.

Life beckons. ~Srividya Srinivasan

Over the last few weeks I have written to you about individuation and two parts (Release and Revolution (The Goo)) of the individuation process as I see it. This week I will talk to you the third part :: Reclamation.

First though, I want to share with you a bit more of how I view this entire process. I see it through the lens of the myth of Inanna.

In short (links to fuller versions of the myth are below), Inanna, the Sumerian Goddess of Heaven and Earth goes to the Underworld to sit with her grieving sister Ereshkigal. To enter the Underworld she must pass through seven gates and at each gate she removes a piece of clothing, so that she finally enters the realm of her sister naked.

This is the process of release. Of setting down that which we do not need, that which does not serve us.

When Inanna enters the Underworld, her sister kills her, hangs her on a hook, naked and leaves her for dead.

This is the time of The Goo. Of transformation. Of revolution. Of being in-between death and rebirth.

Inanna’s handmaiden, Ninshubar, goes to Inanna’s uncle after she has been gone for three days and asks for help to bring her back from the Underworld. The uncle creates two creatures that Ninshubar takes to the Underworld and gifts to Ereshkigal.

It is important to note this part of the story :: that ultimately our rebirth is in many ways dependent on those who are in our community. That it is only with the support of others that we can move through challenging, death-like times. That not one of us can return from the depths of the Underworld, of our own shadows and unconscious, without the help of others.

Eventually, the creatures ask Ereshikgal to release Inanna. Because the creatures held space for Ereshkigal’s grief, allowing her to wail in the rawness of her own pain without judgement or trying to “fix” her, Ereshkigal agreed.

This is another important part of the story to take note of :: it is through the love and acceptance of others that we are each able to change ourselves (and our own minds). If the creatures hadn’t accepted Ereshkigal as she was in her rawness and profound grief, the story would have ended very differently.

And so Inanna returns to reclaim her role as Queen of Heaven and Earth, first passing back through each of the seven gates and (consciously, mindfully) reclaiming the clothing she had left behind on her descent.

The ascent is the time of reclaiming. At each gate Inanna, has the opportunity to retrieve what she left behind or not. Perhaps some of the articles of clothing have also transformed. It is a time of looking within and deciding what is wanted, what is needed.

(There is a bit more to this particular myth, after Inanna returns, but I won’t be talking about it in this essay.)

This reclamation is perhaps, in many ways, the most challenging part of the process. It is different from challenge of setting down or the discomfort of sitting in the in-between.

It is a time of deep vulnerability. As we connect to those parts of us that need and want filling, satiating, to be fed. As we connect to our own strengths and power and daring. As we do the work of claiming our space and time in the world, going against all we were conditioned to believe.

This is when we bravely go against the status quo, against our patriarchal culture and mindfully step into who we deeply want to be, without apology, without shame.

I talk more about all this in the 9-minute video below ::

This essay and video series is in part to share with you the topics we’ll be unearthing, unraveling, and unlearning in the six month circle Becoming Unleashed. We begin September 22. If you are interested, you can learn more and request an application here. xoxo

To read the other essays and view the other videos in this series, click the links below ::

What is “Individuation”?

Release

The Goo as Revolution

Self Actualization in Community

Here are a couple links that give more detail and analysis of the Inanna myth:

Inanna’s Descent into the Underworld

Inanna’s Descent: A Sumerian Tale of Injustice

August 17, 2017September 3, 2017

The Goo as Revolution

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first. ~Jim Morrison

Last week I wrote to you about releasing those stories we’ve all been told since birth – those stories of how we are too much, not enough, how we should be ashamed of who we are, of even daring to exist. This week I want to write to you about what I call The Goo.

The Goo is that space and time of metamorphosis. It is when the butterfly is in its cocoon and has fully disintegrated from its caterpillar state, but has not yet begun to form into a butterfly.

It is an uncomfortable time.

It is an in-between time.

It is a time of not-knowing where we are really going or what is going to happen next.

And often, it can be a time with lots of fear, worry, and anxiety.

It is that middle time between being unconsciously compliant to mindfully defiant; between being fearfully silent and courageously speaking up and out; between mindlessly going along to get along and willfully demanding justice for our selves and others.

It is a time of transformation.

It is that space between letting go what no longer serves us and (re)claiming those parts of us we have shoved down, ignored, pretended weren’t important.

It is a time, like releasing, like reclaiming, that we approach over and over, revisiting with each layer, each aspect of our unconscious, the conditioning handed down to us, the stories that were fed to us. It is a time that ebbs and flows with our own seasons and rhythms.

In some ways it is a time of rest. A time of stillness. A time of opening and allowing.

In other ways it is a time of massive action. Of profound moving. Of destruction and then creation.

Some liken it to the time in the Underworld from the myths of Inanna or Christ.

It may look like death, and is also the early moments of rebirth.

It is a time of revolution.

Of allowing the destruction of what no longer fits, what no longer works, what is no longer right for you.

Of embracing creation of who we want to be, new ways of doing, new ways of being in the world, in our communities, with our families, with ourselves.

I talk more about this in the 12-minute video below ::

To read the other essays and view the other videos in this series, click the links below ::

What is “Individuation”?

Release

Reclamation

Self Actualization in Community

August 10, 2017September 3, 2017

Release

How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole. ~C.G. Jung

I wrote last week about the process of individuation, what it is, what it means, and if it’s even necessary. This week I want to dig a bit deeper into this part of our human evolution, part of what it may look like, and why it it is important for the shifting and changing of our patriarchal culture.

To be honest, our culture doesn’t want us to move through this process. It doesn’t want us to know our own minds, to be self-aware, or to bring our unconscious and shadow into consciousness and light. Because when we do this, when we move from a state of unconscious reaction to a place of mindful being, well, our authoritarian culture starts to fall apart.

As you know, I deeply believe that the personal is political; that we need both self-actualization AND social liberation to become truly free.

How can we begin this process? How can we begin to take off the cultural leashes that have been put on us? How can we shift from a place of unconscious reaction to mindful being?

A possible place to begin is by unearthing, examining and then releasing from our being all those stories we each have about being too much, being not enough, being ashamed of who we are, being ashamed of our very existence.

Those stories we’ll all been fed since birth. By our families. By our communities. By our culture.

Those stories that got into our skin and sinew and bone.

Those stories that keep us quiet, small, focused on pleasing and caring for others while sacrificing our own pleasure and care.

Releasing these stories is a life long process. We release them in layers. I think of this work in terms of a three dimensional spiral that we move up and down, in and out of. We each have many aspects to these stories we all hold, unique to our own lived experience and ancestral history.

As we unearth, examine and release each piece, however, we are creating space for different ways of being. As we bring each of these stories out of our unconscious and into our consciousness, we can mindfully shift the ways we are in the world and with ourselves.

It isn’t a direct path. There is no lock-step prescribed “right” way of doing this work.

And.

There are some pretty common tools and processes that we can all use to connect to these stores and move them out of our being.

I talk more about this in the 12 minute video below ::

To read the other essays and view the other videos in this series, click the links below ::

What is “Individuation”?

The Goo as Revolution

Reclamation

Self Actualization in Community

August 3, 2017August 23, 2022

What is “Individuation”?

The aim of individuation requires that one should find and then learn to live out of one’s own center, in control of one’s for and against. And this cannot be achieved by enacting and responding to any general masquerade of fixed roles. ~Joseph Campbell, Myths to Live By

A person with a well-differentiated “self” recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can support others’ views without being a disciple or reject others’ views without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy. ~excerpt from The Bowen Center (Differentiation of Self)

What does it mean to individuate? How is it related to self-awareness? Is it even necessary?

Individuation is a term used originally by Carl Jung. According to Jung, it is a process in which the individual Self develops out of an undifferentiated (i.e. still connected to familial and social norms and conditioning) unconscious. It is seen as a developmental psychological process during which innate elements of personality, the components of the immature mind, and the experiences of the person’s life become, if the process is more or less successful, integrated over time into a well-functioning whole. It is a process that begins as early as the age of two and continues on throughout our lives.

In short, individuation is our ability to know our own minds. To not be ruled by our unconscious (which includes our social and familial conditioning). To be able to think for ourselves, to understand what motivates us to do the things we do, to be able to hold our own thoughts even when they are unpopular or go against the current “norm” (while also being open to reason and logic and other ways of thinking and doing).

To be “individuated” is directly related to being self-aware. Through the process of becoming more self-aware we are able to individuate more. It is a life long journey. We do not “arrive” or become fully individuated 100% self-aware – there will always be layers to the unconscious for us to unearth, unravel, and integrate or dislodge.

It is the process of unearthing, unraveling, sifting, unlearning, and reclaiming all the messages we have been given since (perhaps before) birth.

It is the process of releasing our stories of too much, of not enough, of shame.

It is the process of learning to sit in discomfort, in the unknown, in the in-between. The ability to look at the shadow and not only the light aspects of who we are.

It is the process of (re)claiming who we are and who we want to be. It is in the (re)claiming of our wants, our desires, our deserving. It is in the connecting to our strength, our power, our daring.

It is owning all of who we are.

In terms of survival of the human species, individuation is not necessary. We don’t need to do this to live. It is not a basic human need. In could be argued that it may be a part of our evolutionary process, and even so, it is not necessary.

When we look at Maslow’s Hierarchy (right), individuation (what Maslow calls “self actualization”) is that the “top” of the pyramid. This implies that it cannot be achieved unless the other needs are met. As in, if you do have stable sources of food and shelter, you aren’t going to be working on “self-awareness” – you’re going to be working on finding stable sources of food and shelter!

What I find to be true of the pyramid is that the three base layers are necessary for our survival as humans. We need food, water, shelter. We need a sense of safeness. We need a sense of belonging.

We do not need self-esteem or self-actualization in order to survive.

However.

I would argue that in order to thrive, we do need those two “upper” levels.

I talk more about this in the 15 minute video below.

To read the other essays and view the other videos in this series, click the links below:

Release

The Goo as Revolution

Reclamation

Self Actualization in Community

**Essay now published on Substack.

May 8, 2017May 8, 2017

Rape Culture, 13 Reasons Why, & the Mental Health community

They are all innocent until proven guilty. But not me. I am a liar until I am proven honest.

~Louise O’Neill, Asking For It

I’ve read many criticisms of the graphic portrayal of suicide in the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why. I’ve seen posts and articles railing against the “irresponsibility” of Netflix to “glorify” suicide and countless comments from mental health professionals (i.e. my colleagues) about how now there will be an epidemic of suicides across the country and how the show doesn’t once mention mental illness as the “real” cause of suicide and other towing the line statements and declarations.

With every criticism, particularly from therapists, social workers and psychologists, I became more and more irritated. I disagree with there stance and opinions, yes, but my reaction was more visceral, more intense than a simple professional differing of opinion. I was furious. I was rolling my eyes. And at one point with one discussion I was literally shaking.

It took a conversation with my own therapist, being in a space to talk without interruption or needing to defend my opinion and reaction, to understand why so much rage was coming up with these comments and “professional statements”.

Where I came to was this:: Not a SINGLE therapist or counselor mentioned in any way, shape, or form the depiction of rape culture and how it contributed to Hannah’s suicide.

Not one.

No where.

(I did find a single site when researching for this article originally, written by a therapist, talking about depiction of rape culture in the show.)

As I continued talking in my session, I realized how I believe many mental health professionals miss the mark when it comes to discussing topics like anxiety, depression, and suicide and their root causes. How they ignore the impacts living in this culture has on all of us. How the interconnections and intersections of our own lived experiences, our culture, and our ancestral history affect us. How living in a culture where women and girls are only seen as valuable when it comes to the male gaze. How sexual assault and harassment take their toll on our mental and physical health – DAILY – whether we have personally experienced either or now. How witnessing rape and or being raped impact us to the point of considering and for some attempting suicide (According to the National Center for PTSD, it’s estimated that one in three women who have been raped contemplate suicide, and one in 10 victims attempt it.) How culturally it is more important to us to protect rapists than the person who was raped. (Remember how Brock Turner received an incredibly lenient sentence because the (white male) judge didn’t want to impact Brock’s precious future?)

These are not discussions we typically have within the mental health community. It is only in recent years that any discussion of how our greater environment (including our culture and ancestral history) impacts our mental health. We, mental health professionals, seem to want to pretend that a person lives in a vacuum and that our mental health has nothing to do with our daily lives or outside forces. That it is all in our heads. And while there is acknowledgement that childhood experiences can and do impact our mental health, we don’t talk about the systems that create and allow those experiences to exist and how they impact us and compound things.

I’ve said it before and will say it many times more:: We live in a culture that hates women.

And frankly the professional “outcry” (and absolute lack of outcry in regard to rape culture) around this Netflix series only emphasizes this truth.

If we (mental health professionals) think for one moment that living a world where we (girls and women) are considered less than human, where we are unable to earn an equal wage, where what we wear and where we choose to walk or socialize are up for dissection when we are assaulted raped, where our bodies are mentally dissected and compared and contrasted with others… if we think for one moment that none of this impacts our mental (and physical) health, then we should absolutely give up our licenses and find another line of work.

Because if we don’t believe these things impact us, we doing far more harm than good.

Because if we don’t believe these things impact us, we are being complicit to a culture that causes great harm.

Because if we don’t believe these things impact us, we are being compliant and doing harm to our clients, friends, and family members ourselves under the guise of being “professionals” and “authorities”.

Rape culture is real. It is part of this world each of us lives in. It impacts all of us, in varying degrees. It causes harm. It can cause depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and attempts.

These are facts.

And.

Those who experience rape and sexual assault (in any or all its forms from being touched without consent to being placed on a “Hot or Not” list to having rumors spread about us) are not the only ones who are victimized by this culture either.

The people who perpetrate the rapes and assaults are victims too.

Because they are given the message, over and over and over again, that it is acceptable to objectify women and girls. Because they are given the message over and over and over again that no doesn’t really mean no. Because they are given the message over and over and over again that it is perfectly acceptable to take what they want, no matter what. Because they are given the message over and over and over again that they will not be punished for their crimes. Because toxic masculinity goes hand in hand with rape culture.

I am not saying that rapists and abusers are not responsible for their actions. They absolutely are. AND. They are also pawns in a system that subjugates women to a role of only being as valuable as the male we are attached to.

Bryce (the rapist in the series for those of you who have not watched it) is a victim. Not in the oh-the-poor-boy-and-his-future-Brock-Turner way. Rather in the way that he lives in a world that says there is nothing wrong with what he has done or continues to do. Because he was not taught about consent and boundaries from an early age. Because he was not taught that silence DOES NOT MEAN COMPLIANCE. Because he was protected and defended by many different peers. Yes, he is responsible for his actions, as is every rapist and abuser, and we are responsible, due to our own compliance and complicity in this culture, for his actions too.

I am irritated (again) with my profession. I am irritated with the “outcry” that has been targeted against this show (and also the lack of outcry). I am irritated at my profession for not addressing rape culture. I am irritated at the world for not supporting victims and instead re-victimizing and victim-blaming them over and over and over again.

She shouldn’t have gone to that party.

She shouldn’t have gotten in the hot tub in her underwear.

She shouldn’t have drank so much.

She shouldn’t have worn that.

She shouldn’t have had her hair that way.

She shouldn’t have talked to him.

She shouldn’t have expected to NOT be raped.

She shouldn’t have expected anyone to stand up and speak up for her.

She had mental health issues.

It was all her own fault.

It was meant as a compliment.

She’s being too sensitive.

What a bitch.

She was asking for it.

If you won’t give his name, you just have to deal with it.

Are you sure that is what happened?

Fuck. All. Of. That.

It is time that we as a culture start to name these behaviors and insinuations for what they are:: complicity in rape culture. It is time we stop victim blaming and gas lighting. It is time that we stop avoiding difficult conversations, including our own compliance and complicity in a culture that harms other humans.

It is time my profession pull its collective head out of its collective ass.

It is time we begin to understand how living in this culture impacts us, especially women, people of color, the LGBTQi community, the differently abled, those who live or have lived in poverty… the list could go on and on. It is time we stop blaming victims and gas lighting our clients. It is time we begin to understand how deep the wounds and scars of cultural and ancestral trauma run.

It is time we stop causing the harm ourselves.

In rebellious solidarity, always.

xoox

This essay was originally shared in my weekly love letter on May 6, 2017. If you’d like to read more essays where I breathe fire and talk about the intersections of the personal and political, the social and singular, the communal and individual, you can sign up right here.

Resources and References

13 Reasons Why Shows the Deadly Impacts of Rape Culture

US Veterans Administration Center for PTSD (Sexual Assault) Public Site

US Veterans Affairs Center for PTSD (Sexual Assault) Professional Site

13 Reasons to Make Violence Against Women Unacceptable (tons of resources at the bottom)

13 Reasons Hits Hardest When Depicting Rape Culture

The Truth Behind Rape Culture

Psychological Analysis of ’13 Reasons Why’: People’s Feelings About Hannah Say a Lot About America’s Rape Culture (the only article I could find by another therapist on this topic)