In a few days I’ll be getting on a plane to my week of in-person seminars and workshops for school. I’ve been feeling a lot of resistance for this particular trip. I could list out a dozen reasons as to why I don’t want to go, each of them popping up to create a negative attitude about the whole situation and having me swirling in frustration, anger and resentment. This has been going on in the back of my head and heart for the last few weeks, even while I delve into softness.
It’s never 100% of anything, ever, is it?
In the last couple days however I’ve had a shift in attitude about the trip, and while I still hold the reasons as to why I don’t want to go or why I shouldn’t need to go as true, I’ve been slowly releasing my strong grip on them and allowing for the possibility of positive experiences to be had while I’m away.
I started packing my suitcase last night, carefully placing pajamas and underwear and one of my outfits within. I grabbed the box of ginger tea I purchased and put that in there. I went and took the books I’d borrowed from classmates and put them lovingly in the suitcase, saying a prayer of gratitude to those who loaned them to me.
Laundry is being washed and the “bathroom bag” is hanging on our shower rod, slowly being filled with the necessities, knowing that it won’t be filled completely until Thursday when all those things I use every day are ready to be packed.
I’m allowing for the slow shift into the reality of my departure, allowing all the feelings to come forward, allowing both me and my girl to process that we will be apart again soon.
The week away will be both busy and rejuvenating. I will be mentally and emotionally exhausted when I return home, a week later, having learned more about therapy and relationships, family dynamics and myself.
I try to make a slow re-entry into life when I return from these conferences. I try. My daughter doesn’t really let me and it takes several days for us all to adjust into our life, each of us changed from the week apart. We’ll be busy upon my return too: the next morning my daughter will have her cast removed and then later that day we’ll take a road trip as a family across the state to return my niece to her home. We’ll then return across the state the next day and the days that follow are already filled with appointments and errands.
I felt myself start to hyperventilate as I thought about how chaotic and busy life will be starting the moment they pick me up at the airport that night. I breathed into it and made the intention to continue to breathe once I am home and to keep grounded. Yes, it will be busy, and it doesn’t need to be chaotic or stressful. I can be gentle and soft and don’t need to be cranky or lash out because I am exhausted.
Setting this intention so far in advance is really key for me. It’s allowing me to figure out ways to help the time move more smoothly. It is requiring me to delegate and ask for help and trust those who will be here to take care of the things that need to be taken care of so that those few days of busyness can run smoothly.
It means letting go. Releasing control, letting others do what needs to be done in their own way and own time.
Not a small feat for me. Something I’ve been practicing for a while now, though, and with each practice it becomes easier and easier.
I leave home, my security, my routine and I have so much resistance to the shake up, the change. However if we never leave home, never open ourselves to new experiences, never shake up what may be secure and may have also become stagnant, we not only can’t grow, we don’t open ourselves to the joy of coming home again, to finding our new balance and new normal, to see those we love with new eyes and a new heart.
So yes, I leave. I resist, for certain, and still I leave. I leave so that I can come home again, to my family, to my life, to me.